How To Maintain Good Interpersonal Relationships

The relationship between two or more people arises due to the interactions between them in a certain context, and given that both elements can present numerous variants, there will also be a diversity of possible relationships, so here we will focus on those that occur in a given context. equality range (those that imply some type of hierarchy are excluded: such as father-son, boss-subordinate) and take place constantly and reiterated, inducing the creation of emotional bonds and generating interdependence (relationships between family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc.); It does not therefore refer to sporadic or spontaneous interactions that do not generate any bond (for example, the relationship between two people who coincide on a trip or at a sporting or artistic event).

Although various factors intervene in the initial formation of a relationship, such as interpersonal attraction, physical attraction, personality, language, territory, culture or membership in a group or organization, the two most relevant factors to keep it alive are:

• The affinity regarding the issues that are shared.
• A reciprocity fair in benefits.

An analysis of these two factors in any relationship we have with another person will allow us to evaluate the basic issues that justify it, such as:

1. Is the amount and/or significance of related issues shared sufficient to keep the relationship alive?
2. Does this relationship meet the minimum needs and expectations that each person hoped to obtain from it?

It is understood here by interpersonal affinity the coincidence in interest in certain issues and in the similarity of points of view on them (similarity of tastes, beliefs, hobbies, objectives, traditions, etc.), which can be accompanied by a similarity in the way of valuing and feeling emotions when faced with these issues (sharing the value system, having the same emotional sensitivity), which generally gives rise to a similarity in the way of acting in response to them (similar lifestyle, analogous way of facing adversity, etc. ).

By contrasting our approaches, positions or points of view on these elements with those of the other person, affinity or rejection will arise. If affinity exists, the desire to share the things in which we are similar emerges.

Types of interpersonal affinity

Based on the characteristics and content of the affinity, three types can be distinguished:

1. Intellectual or cognitive affinity: It is based on sharing knowledge, opinions, beliefs, ideologies, hobbies, tastes, interests, objectives, etc.
2. Value affinity: When certain personal values ​​(freedom, trust, autonomy, sincerity) and/or social values ​​(solidarity, altruism, respect, etc.) are shared.
3. Affinity of meaning or purpose: If a purpose or purpose of special significance is shared, of a vital or existential scope (such as a relationship, a business, social activism or humanitarian aid projects).

It is important to keep in mind that affinity does not necessarily imply complete coincidence in the way of thinking, feeling or acting in specific situations. The psychological uniqueness of each person (as the traditional expression says: “Every person is a world “) justifies that it cannot be required. There may be disagreements regarding a political option, a religion or a sports team, but new interpretations can arise from these that enrich both parties.

Likewise, it is not required that the intensity of the feelings be identical, but that the type of feeling be the same, or that the way of acting in a given situation be identical, but that the objective itself coincide. It is essential to maintain a stable relationship to have great mental flexibility and to stay away from rigidities, dogmas and unfounded obsessions.

Social skills and affinity: psychological studies

On the other hand, the affinity is based on certain specific personal qualities and traits (certain skills, intelligence, friendliness, assertiveness, creativity, etc.), but not with the whole person (possibly he will have other qualities that do not intervene in the relationship), therefore, when an affinity cannot be established within the framework of that specific relationship, we should not reject the person himself, but rather this relationship in which we are not related, Well, maybe in another type of relationship there can be an affinity and create another type of bond.

It is shown that when the qualities of the other person on which the affinity rested disappear (for example, sympathy becomes antipathy, attention and concern for the other becomes indifference) so does our type of relationship and the bond that accompanied it. Thus, the lack of emotional bond caused by the disappearance of a quality in the other should not give rise to indifference, hatred or resentment towards him, but to a change in the type of relationship (for example, the disappearance of the initial love of the couple gives way to friendship, affection or simple coexistence).

Every interaction implies a benefit , whether by action (exchange of information, feelings, behaviors or attitudes) or omission (stopping doing something, inhibiting oneself on some issue) and requires reciprocity; but this has to be considered fair by the parties (the term fair refers to being impartial, fair, respectful, based on rectitude and equity in both intention and action), so that both have the belief that they benefit from the exchange.

A relationship between two people will be viable if it involves a benefit for both parties and this benefit is evaluated as greater than the effort used to maintain it.

The important thing is that both are aware that the benefits are equal and rewarding (in the physiological aspect, the beneficial relationship promotes the excitation of the brain reward system and makes the person feel “at ease” being part of the relationship).

In this sense, Kelley’s theory of interdependence is expressed.⁽¹⁾according to “The behavior of a person in a relationship depends on the results they can obtain individually, but above all, on the results for the two people in the relationship.”.

Therefore, the key would be in what people can get from the relationship and not so much in what each one can obtain for himself. Thus, for the relationship to be maintained, selfish preferences must become more generous preferences that exceed the limits of self-benefit. This leads us to ask ourselves: what attitude should reign in each of the parties? Is each one willing to renounce part of what they defend and accept part of what the other defends? We must also take into account the threshold of tolerance: to what extent are we willing to tolerate discrepancies, giving up our criteria, beliefs, ideologies, etc. and accepting those of the other?

Affinity and reciprocity: what matters most in interpersonal relationships?

One aspect to keep in mind is that a relationship based on affinity and equanimity generates a kind of force of attraction or psychological severity which increases as the intensity of the relationship and its duration increase. This psychological force is what determines the formation of different types of emotional ties between people: companionship, friendship, love, affection.

But the creation of these emotional ties involves an approach to the personal sphere between the parties, that is, the relationship generates a common space that represents a loss of privacy, of intimacy, which increases from simple companionship to conjugal love, and that can have negative consequences. if there is no correspondence between the type of bond and the degree of privacy that each party is willing to give up (for example, in couple relationships, individual privacy must be reduced in favor of a greater common space). The greater the number of shared issues (greater common space ) and the more balanced the benefits, the more intense and rewarding will be the relationship and, conversely, the fewer common issues and the more asymmetrical the benefits, the greater the possibility of rupture or conflict.

To establish a lasting and healthy interpersonal relationship, in addition to agreement on issues and feelings, the harmonious confluence of other factors is necessary:

• The characteristics of the people involved
• The context in which it develops (family, social or work)
• Communication between the parties

People involved in interpersonal relationships

To know if a relationship that has begun is likely to be stable and lasting, it is necessary to know the other person: their ideas, feelings, desires, needs, intentions, interests, objectives, beliefs, moral values, etc., that is, knowing how they think, evaluates, feels and acts in certain situations of daily life (in the field of psychology, the theory of mind -initiated by Gregory Bateson- is used to designate the ability to attribute thoughts and intentions to other people). This mental ability serves to think and reflect about what others know, think and feel. Without this ability it is difficult to relate and maintain satisfactory and quality social relationships. In this aspect, the attribution theory of psychologist Fritz Heider (1958)⁽²⁾ It is used to evaluate how people perceive their own behavior and that of others. Try to analyze how we explain people’s behavior and life events.

In this regard, it is important to pay attention to the attributions we make. Attribution, when it is not accurate, is a factor capable of causing tension, and even the breakdown of the relationship. We frequently make causal attributions of the thoughts, feelings or actions of others incorrectly, probably due to introducing emotional biases and/or cognitive distortions in the interpretation of events. A common attribution error is the human tendency to attribute behaviors to factors internal to the person, ignoring or minimizing the influence of situational factors.

In this sense, the attribution theory of Edward E. Jones and Keith Davis (1965) and their model of “corresponding inference ” points out that we make corresponding inferences when we believe that certain behaviors of a person are due to their way of being. According to this theory, when people see others act in a certain way, they look for a correspondence between their motives and their behaviors. To avoid these errors we should ask ourselves: could he have acted differently? Did he have freedom of choice? Was he aware of the consequences of his action?

Likewise, it is essential that there is a correspondence between the related people in the personal qualities that specifically contribute to the relationship, that is, that they are appropriate and compatible for the type of relationship they maintain.

• For example, even if they coincide in their interest in certain issues, an optimistic person will not get along very well with a pessimist, or an introvert with an extrovert, or an ambitious person with another restrained person. In this aspect, it becomes important specific style that each person expresses in the relationship (assertive, passive, distant, manipulative, etc.) that must be appropriate to keep it alive and satisfactory, although, generally, the best option is the assertive style.

The environment in which it takes place

It refers to the context (personal, family, work, social, cultural, commercial, etc.) and the external circumstances that occur in the relationship. It has been shown that a person can act in one way in a specific context (for example in the family) and differently in a different context (with friends or co-workers). The importance of the environment has been highlighted by Kurt Lewin⁽³⁾ in their field theory by pointing out that “the individual and the environment should never be seen as two separate realities, they are two instances that are always interacting with each other and that modify each other” (for example, Jacobson and Christensen -1996- point out that the resolution of numerous relationship problems is better achieved by changing the environment when it is from this that the disturbing stimulus arises, than by changing the problematic behavior, since this is a consequence of the stimulus and as soon as it appears, the same response behavior will be repeated). Following this premise, an interesting reflection that should be made is: is the type of relationship we maintain appropriate for the environment in which it takes place? (a personal relationship may be appropriate in a family environment but not in the workplace; or it may be normal in families of the same religious belief, but “toxic” between families of different beliefs).

Communication and social skills

The primary element on which a relationship is based is the information that is transmitted about related matters, which is why the way in which we communicate our ideas, express emotions, intentions and attitudes to the other party acquires great relevance (clarity, truthfulness, transparency ); and for this to be effective we must pay attention, in addition to the suitability of the content, to the appropriateness of the way in which this information is transmitted (an example is the difficulty of many people in communicating their emotions).

For a personal relationship to be stable and healthy, it must be supported by those issues that are related and leave aside those that are not, trying not to bring them to light during the relationship, in this way we will avoid disagreements and interpersonal conflicts.

Furthermore, the personal relationship is consolidated as the affinity increases quantitatively (many common aspects) or qualitatively (few but transcendent). At the same time, the experience of the relationship must be rewarding and generate satisfaction to the parties, and this is not achieved without the existence of a compensatory reciprocity between what is given and what is received (this requires commitment and fulfillment of expectations).

In this regard, it would be advisable to follow the advice of André Compte-Sponville : “expect a little less from the other and love a little more”.

In addition, Epicurus already proposed as an ethic of reciprocity the “minimize harm, to the few and the many, in order to maximize the happiness of all”.

Later the idea was transformed into the well-known universal moral principle called the golden rule, which can be expressed like this: “Treat others as you would want them to treat you” (in its positive form); either “don’t do to others what you don’t want them to do to you “(in its negative form).

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

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