How To Overcome Disappointments And Emerge Stronger From Them
Who has not experienced that knot in the stomach when feeling that a person we trusted has let us down? Why do many people end up closing themselves off and not believing in people? Is it true that you can’t trust anyone?
For disappointment to happen, we must have previously built an expectation. “I didn’t expect this from you”, “I thought you would do this for me”, etc.
We value people’s behavior to the extent that it fits with our beliefs about how someone has to behave within that role: our mother has to be loving and understanding, our father protective and strong, our partner can only have eyes for us and our friends always have to “be there.” If this behavior goes beyond what we consider appropriate, we get angry, disappointed, sad, and we even get the feeling that we don’t know the person in front of us.
Because? Because we do not relate to people as they are, but as we believe they are, or worse yet, just the way we want them to be. We idealize, project, devalue and therefore we do not relate in a real way, but in a fantasized way. However, there are useful strategies to overcome disappointments in the best possible way.
The first step to protect ourselves from the unpleasant sensation of feeling disappointed is not to generate too many expectations regarding the people with whom we interact. Not expecting too much from people has nothing to do with the pessimistic idea that “everyone is going to fail us,” but rather with trying to see the person as they are and not as we want them to be, and accepting that certain decisions or behaviors that you adopt as a free person that you are, we may not like them.
In second place We must avoid projections and overgeneralizations regarding our past experiences The disappointments and breaches of trust that we have suffered some time ago have nothing to do with our present reality, and putting up a wall as a defensive mechanism in the face of future disappointments will only serve to distance us from society and consequently feel alone and live through fear. .
Even so, it is likely that throughout our lives we will suffer from betrayal, lies, or damage caused by a loved one or a person we considered trustworthy. What to do if we find ourselves in this situation?
1. Regulate the emotions that arise as a result of disappointment
When faced with disappointment, emotions related to sadness, fear, anger or frustration appear. It is important to learn to identify them, experience them, and regulate them in a healthy way so that they do not become chronic or turn against us. It is also necessary to give ourselves space to cry and release anger. that has occurred in the unexpected situation.
2. Talk about our feelings
We should also verbalize our feelings to a trusted person and if necessary, with the person who has committed the “offense” so that they understand our emotions.
We have to assess and weigh whether we want that person to continue being part of our life, or if, on the contrary, we prefer to continue our path without them. In both options, it is important to work on forgiveness so that the emotion does not lead to resentment that only poisons us.
Once the whirlwind of emotions that we have felt due to the disappointment has passed, it is important that we carry out a self-examination or introspection to check if the image we had built of that person was distorted and if we have a tendency to idealize our interpersonal relationships.
Disappointment also reminds us that relationships are constantly changing and that we have to accept the uncontrollability of them, as well as the behavior of those around us.
4. Trust people again
There are disappointments that are so painful to us that we feel that we will never be able to place our trust in anyone again, and as protection we run the risk of becoming inaccessible, distrustful, paranoid or unfair to the people around us
No one can assure us that our loved ones will not “fail us,” but accepting the possibility and enjoying the relationship in the present is the smartest option.
“We need people in our lives with whom we can be as honest as possible. Having real conversations with people seems like such a simple and obvious proposition, but it involves courage and risk” Thomas Moore.
