Jealousy is often a difficult emotion for the person experiencing it and, if not managed properly, can damage the partner and the relationship. When jealousy becomes unhealthy, it can include behaviors such as controlling your partner, distrusting your partner for no good reason, insistently demanding your partner’s attention and time, or constantly acting possessively.
Unhealthy or pathological jealousy can be very harmful, so it is important to know how to recognize it, manage it, know what consequences it has and how to treat it. In this PsychologyFor article we explain all the information you need to know about how to overcome unhealthy jealousy in a couple
Jealousy is often considered a “negative emotion”, however, there are no positive or negative emotions because, even when accompanied by discomfort and suffering, they have purpose and meaning. Emotions, including jealousy, are affective states that all people experience and are inherent to human nature.
Thus, although jealousy is experienced with great pain, it makes sense, since it arises when the person perceives that there is a threat whether real or not, in your relationship However, emotions can become pathological when they manifest disproportionately in intensity or duration, in relation to what triggered them in the first place.
We speak of pathological or unhealthy jealousy to refer to a extreme and disproportionate form of jealousy that can seriously damage a relationship. How does a person with unhealthy jealousy act? The most common signs of unhealthy jealousy are the following:
Constantly check on your partner: check your mobile phone, email or social networks without your permission.
Always have your partner located and know where you are and what you are doing at all times.
Distrust your partner without reason: Unhealthy jealousy can lead you to suspect your partner even when there is no reason to do so. You can imagine infidelities or lies without the person having behaved in a way that makes you think that way.
Acting possessively and trying to isolate the partner from other people: prohibit you from talking to anyone who is considered a threat, including friends and even family.
Feeling threatened by anyone or activity that requires the couple’s attention or time and try to prevent them from having interests outside the relationship.
Excessive jealousy in intensity and frequency: Unhealthy jealousy is an extreme and disproportionate form of jealousy that is experienced when there is no reason for it. Jealousy can be irrational and disproportionate.
In these types of situations, we recommend reading this article on how to stop being jealous.
Consequences of unhealthy jealousy in a couple
Unhealthy jealousy can have serious consequences on a relationship. Some of the possible consequences of unhealthy jealousy in a couple are:
Damage to trust and relationship
Unhealthy jealousy can erode trust in a partner. Jealousy can make a person feel insecure and vulnerable. Furthermore, it is difficult to build and maintain a healthy relationship if one or both partners do not feel safe and trust each other, as this is an essential element in a healthy relationship.
Reduced intimacy and emotional bond
Jealousy can damage a relationship by reducing the intimacy and emotional bond between the couple. If a person feels jealous excessively or constantly, It may be difficult for your partner to approach and show affection, which can reduce intimacy in the relationship. In this article you will find more information about jealousy in a couple: why it occurs and how to eliminate it.
Unhealthy jealousy can also reduce the level of commitment and sustainability of a relationship and can exacerbate certain problematic characteristics in it. Jealousy can make a person feel insecure and less willing to commit to the relationship, for fear that their partner will hurt them and/or abandon them.
As a consequence of the distrust and emotional distance unhealthy jealousy decreases commitment in the relationship.
Dissatisfaction in the relationship
sick jealousy can reduce communication between couples, making it difficult to resolve problems in the relationship. According to Ayala Malach Pines(1), jealousy brings with it dramatic and conflictive situations and causes dissatisfaction in the relationship. He also argues that unsatisfying relationships make people more likely to experience jealousy, due to the instability of the relationship itself.
Lack of communication and greater secrecy
Jealousy in a relationship can erode communication between the couple and cause greater secrecy, since if a person anticipates jealousy on the part of their partner, they may begin to hide things out of fear to his reaction.
When a person keeps secrets, it may indicate that they are hiding something or that they do not want to share certain information with their partner. This can cause problems in the relationship as it can lead to mistrust and lack of communication. It is important be open and honest to avoid keeping secrets
Conflicts in the relationship
Connolly and McIsaac(2) They affirm that for any relationship to prosper, the couple must seek trust, communication, emotional closeness and understanding. These features help avoid unnecessary or recurring conflicts that can damage the quality of the relationship and even lead to a breakup.
Not trusting your romantic partner can foster a problematic relationship. Unhealthy jealousy can generate great stress and anxiety in the couple. It can be difficult to relax and enjoy the relationship if one or both partners are constantly worried and on guard.
Problematic situations
Unhealthy jealousy can cause mental health problems, both in the person experiencing it and in the partner. They can increase depression, anxiety and other mental disorders. In some cases, unhealthy jealousy can lead to violence and abuse in the relationship. In this article, we tell you how to prevent dating violence.
If the person with unhealthy jealousy feels threatened or challenged, they may resort to violence to control their partner and keep them by their side. This situation is in no way justified and it is important that you seek help if you are experiencing violence in your relationship. You can talk to a family member or trusted friend and seek professional help
There are organizations that offer support and counseling for people who are experiencing intimate partner violence. You can also call a helpline or attend a support group. The most important thing is to make sure you are safe and find the help you need.
How to treat unhealthy jealousy in a couple
It is normal to feel overwhelmed or not know how to deal with unhealthy jealousy in your relationship. Below, we offer you 10 tips so that you and your partner can approach it more effectively.
1. Talk openly and honestly with your partner about your jealousy
Accept your feelings. It’s normal to feel jealousy in a relationship, but it’s important to accept that it’s a natural emotion and not something you should be ashamed of. Accept your feelings It will help you understand them better and manage them in a healthier way.
Expressing your worries and fears can help you better understand why you feel jealous and how your partner can help you. When you talk to your partner, be sure to use clear, direct language to express your feelings. Listen carefully to your partner It is important that you let him explain his perspective to you and that you pay attention without interrupting. This way, you can better understand how you both feel about jealousy. Discover how to improve communication between couples in this article.
Accusing your partner can be damaging to the relationship and can make them feel attacked and defensive. If you want to avoid accusing your partner, these tips can help you:
Start sentences in first person: Use “I” instead of “you.” Instead of saying things like “You always cheat on me” or “You don’t love me,” try expressing your feelings using the word “I.” For example, you can say, “It hurts me when I feel like you’re not paying attention to me.” This way, you will be talking about how you feel instead of accusing your partner.
Avoid judgments and generalizations: Judgments and generalizations are statements made about a person or situation without sufficient evidence. For example, saying “you’re a liar” or “you always do the same thing” can make your partner feel attacked and won’t help you resolve the problem.
Focus on your feelings and needs: Instead of focusing on what your partner is doing wrong, try talking about how you feel and what you need to feel more secure. For example, you can say, “I need to know that I can trust you.” This way, you will be able to express your feelings and needs clearly and directly, without accusing your partner.
3. Work on trust and communication in the relationship
One of the most effective ways to overcome unhealthy jealousy in jealous couples is to work on trust and communication in the relationship. This implies talk openly about feelings of jealousy and try to understand the underlying causes.
Trust and open communication are essential to any healthy relationship. Make a conscious effort to communicate better with your partner and foster trust in the relationship.
4. Improve your self-esteem and self-confidence
Self-esteem can affect how a person relates to their partner and how they handle their jealousy. Low self-esteem can increase jealousy and make a person feel insecure and vulnerable. Therefore, improving self-esteem can be helpful in managing jealousy in a healthy way.
Do things that make you feel good about yourself and remember your own merits. Make a list of your accomplishments and strengths and read it when you feel insecure or vulnerable. This will help you remember that you are a valid person who has a lot to offer. Other ways to improve your self-esteem and overcome jealousy are:
Practice self-affirmation.
Talk to yourself in a positive and constructive way.
Exercise and take care of your health.
Improve your physical and mental health.
5. Focus on the positive aspects of the relationship
Focus on the positive aspects of the relationship to overcome unhealthy jealousy in your partner. This will allow you to see the bigger picture in a more balanced and positive way. Additionally, focusing on the positive will help you appreciate your partner more and to see things from their perspective.
When you feel jealous, try to remember why you are with your partner, the happy times you have had, the things you like about your partner and focus on that instead of your jealousy.
6. Set clear boundaries
How to overcome jealousy? Setting boundaries can be an effective way to manage them in a healthy way. Boundaries are rules or norms that are established in a relationship to protect the rights and needs of each person By setting limits on your partner’s jealousy, acceptable expectations and boundaries in the relationship can be clearly communicated.
For example, a reasonable boundary might be: “Do not monitor your partner’s phone or social media without their permission.” Another option could be: “If I feel jealous, I am going to talk about it with my partner in a calm and respectful way, instead of accusing him/her of being unfaithful and acting possessively towards him/her.”
Setting limits on your partner’s unhealthy jealousy can help improve communication and trust in the relationship. prevent destructive behavior However, it is important to remember that boundaries must be agreed upon by both parties and respected by both. If a boundary is not respected, it is important to talk about it and try to reach an agreement.
7. Build trust
A study published in Culture, Health & Sexuality(3)describes a lack of trust as something detrimental to the relationship. Trust is ultimately a essential component to establish any stable relationship and with purpose.
Trust is built through open and honest communication, keeping promises and agreements, mutual respect and understanding, and time and effort invested in the relationship. If something has happened that makes you doubt your relationship, we recommend reading this article on how to regain trust in your partner.
8. Identification of irrational thoughts
Some examples of common irrational thoughts in people with unhealthy jealousy may be the following:
“If my partner is unfaithful to me, I am not enough for him/her.”
“If my partner loves me, I wouldn’t have any contact with other people.”
“If my partner isn’t looking out for me all the time, it’s because he doesn’t love me.”
These thoughts may be irrational because They assume things without having proof, they exaggerate the situation or are based on meaningless assumptions. It is very important to be able to identify them in order to replace them with more adaptive ones that you will see in the next point.
9. Replace irrational thoughts with more positive and realistic ones
If you want to replace irrational thoughts, caused by unhealthy jealousy, with other more realistic and positive thoughts, you can use techniques such as cognitive distortion or the other’s perspective. Below, we show you some practical examples so you can put it into practice:
Example 1: try to replace the thought of “if my partner is unfaithful to me, I am not enough for him/her” with a more realistic and positive one, such as “if my partner is unfaithful to me, it is a problem in our relationship that we must work together to solve.” solve”.
Example 2: Instead of thinking “if my partner loves me, I wouldn’t have any contact with other people”, a more realistic and positive thought could be “everyone has friends and needs their personal space, also in a relationship.”
Example 3: Try to change the “if my partner is not looking out for me all the time, it’s because he or she doesn’t love me,” to “my partner loves and respects me, and trusts that I can take care of myself.”
Changing irrational thoughts with more realistic and positive ones can help reduce anxiety and discomfort caused by jealousy and to improve communication and trust in the relationship.
10. Seek professional help if necessary
If jealousy is causing serious problems in your relationship, or if you or your partner simply can’t handle it, talk to a therapist can be very useful. A professional can help you understand your jealousy and develop tools to manage it in a healthier way.
In addition, it can help you identify the causes of jealousy and offer strategies to manage it in a healthy way. For example, it can teach you how to control jealousy after infidelity.
This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to How to overcome unhealthy jealousy in a couple we recommend that you enter our Couples Therapy category.
References
Pines, A. M. (2016). Romantic jealousy: Causes, symptoms, cures. Routledge.
Connolly, J.A., & McIsaac, C. (2009). Romantic relationships in adolescence.
Mullinax, M., Sanders, S., Higgins, J., Dennis, B., Reece, M., & Fortenberry, J.D. (2016). Establishment of safety paradigms and trust in emerging adult relationships. Culture, health & sexuality, 18(8), 890-904.
Bibliography
Caballo, VE (1995). Manual of therapy and behavior modification techniques.
Christine Harris, The Evolution of Jealousy. American Scientist, Vol. 92, January–February 2004, pp. 62–71.
Esclapez, M. (2022). I love me, I love you. Bruguera
Simpson, J. A. (2007). Foundations of interpersonal trust. Social psychology: Handbook of basic principles, 2587-607.
I’m Emily Williams Jones, a psychologist specializing in mental health with a focus on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness. With a Ph.D. in psychology, my career has spanned research, clinical practice and private counseling. I’m dedicated to helping individuals overcome anxiety, depression and trauma by offering a personalized, evidence-based approach that combines the latest research with compassionate care.
