How To Say What You Want

There are several ways to make what you ask for sound. You can sound friendly or a little angry. Pleading or determined, forceful or weak, etc. These differences are difficult to manage. They are usually the consequences of how you feel. You must be a good actor to sound nice if you are angry. Your tone will spontaneously adapt to your meaning.

However, what you can send best are the words you use. Sometimes it’s not easy but your will makes it possible to say what you want regardless of what you feel. So you can always choose words that you think are fair when you ask someone for something. That’s important because people are usually very sensitive to the words they hear.

Words can irritate, hurt, caress or give pleasure. That’s why with words you can influence the other person’s tendency to do what you want. The way you verbalize your request when you ask for something is a powerful factor in determining success. Furthermore, with words that are almost univocal you can be very different in what you want.

In general you have to formulate your request in a way that leaves the other person freedom. The other person should not be forced no way. She should feel totally free to give what you have asked of her. In that case the possibility of her doing what you want is great. Any pressure will worsen the probability of success.

Freedom is not only important for humans. But for animals too. If you want an animal to back away, don’t pull its tail or push its head. Maybe that goes well with a trained horse but with almost all other animals you will feel resistance. Living beings do not like to be forced, they want to move on their own.

The formula for asking for something that I advise is: “I would like to…”, “I would like to……” or “I would like to…”. With those prayers you express a desire. Humans are social beings and have the tendency to do a favor for others. At least if they have the freedom to do so. They must be in control of the situation. That is why you must clearly show that you are the person who wants something.

So it is important that Express your sentence in the first person Asking for something in the second person in an interrogative sentence is also possible but worse because it is somewhat evasive and with that you are forcing it a bit. The other person may feel manipulated if he has to guess what you want and do it himself. This effect is even stronger with the use of the second person plural. In that case you say that the other person must want what you want.

With the exception of relationships in which you can demand unconditional obedience, such as with children, never use words like “you must” or “you have to do”. It is evident that with these words you are forcing the other person. Nobody likes that. Each person prefers to decide for themselves what they have to do and you can always expect resistance if you don’t give them that freedom.

A more subtle way of forcing is Give reasons for what you want With reasons you turn your desires into something logical as if they were laws of nature that must be respected. Reasons always have something imperative. Regardless of how you give your arguments, forcing is an inevitable effect of arguing and you can expect the other person to defend their freedom. Normally he does it with a reason against it, which there is always.

So you get an argument that was not what you wanted. Maybe you gave your explanations to help the other person understand what you want. Maybe because you would feel somewhat insecure or have doubts that the other person would be willing to give you what you want. It can be a personal style to give reasons in almost all situations. Several patients have told me this about themselves.

It is difficult for people who lack self-confidence to ask for something without giving explanations. They fear rejection and it is ironic that the consequences are the opposite of what they want to achieve. With their arguments they are limiting the freedom of the other and this does not help them get what they want but rather they are deteriorating it. This way the possibility will be greater that what they fear will happen.

The same events are common if what you want is very important to you. In this case you will also be inclined to give reasons with the aim of sending the other’s opinion and receiving understanding. However, with this there is a great risk that the other person will feel forced and react with rejection. Fortunately there is another way to make the prayer stronger.

If you want something very much, you can say that you love him very much With that you are only reinforcing your desire and not your request. Thus the freedom of the other person remains intact. But take care that do not exaggerate If you say that what you want is something you need, you are demanding again. Especially if you do it with explanations of suffering if you don’t receive what you want.

Only when the other person asks you to explain or say why you are asking for what you want is there another situation. So with a response you are not harming the freedom of the other but rather you are serving them. However, in this case, I advise you to be parsimonious with your argument because it will soon change into something imperative.

I never advise lying to anyone but I think it is often better not to say everything you could say and what you consider to be the truth. At least if your goal is to get what you want to get and not to say what you wanted to say. Be careful what you say It is important in any situation and that may mean that you shut up.

Weighing your words like this is not easy and usually not so pleasant. Maybe talking without always being careful and reacting according to your feelings seems better to you. It would often be more attractive to say everything you think point blank. But these pleasures last short and in the longer term it will be more satisfying to get what you want.

To get what you want I have advised you to say what you want and I have given suggestions on how to phrase your request. It will be clear that this does not give you a guarantee of getting what you want but they are ways to improve the possibilities. Now I give another tip that may help. It’s when to place your order. The issue of when to ask means the “timing” and that deserves attention.

As I have written before, a major influencing factor in your success is the freedom you give to the person from whom you ask something. If the other person feels free to do you a favor for him it will be difficult not to do it. Humans are social beings who have a strong tendency to help if they can. But like all living beings, they will react with resistance if they feel forced.

Among other things the freedom of the other depends on time that remains after you have placed the order with him. That’s why the best time to ask someone for something is when the other person has enough time left to decide whether to give you or deny you what you want. The other person needs to have time to reflect on your request and needs the opportunity to think about an alternative or an amendment.

Perhaps in most cases the other person does not use that occasion and responds directly without giving any signs of reflecting on your request. But don’t think that means giving him the opportunity wasn’t important. On the contrary, it has been very important. What counts is not the freedom he uses but the freedom he has. The other must feel free.

Therefore, you have to avoid every form of pressure not only with what you say but also with the time you give to the other person. He must have time before responding That is why it is good to make your request as soon as possible and you have to do it without rushing so it is relaxing for the recipient. If you are in a hurry, you will need self-control to not show your anxiety.

Giving you the opportunity to reflect your request can be difficult. Especially if what you are asking for is a permit that is very important to you. You would want to not give the other person time to think because you know that could result in rejection. The best thing is not to give any time if you think that it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission and that can sometimes be a good strategy.

However, I think that normally the danger of not asking or not giving enough time is greater. If the other person feels rushed or manipulated, he will get angry and tend to deny your request. It will be better to ask in a good way that is add what is important to you and that the other can be of great help. If you want a response soon, tell him that too. This way you make an order within another order and the same principles apply to both.

If you place your order early, the other person has a lot of time left. That is beneficial for you because it is relatively easy for the other person to grant something that is in the distant future. Also, if you are the first to speak about an issue you can take advantage of the benefit of the initiative Your idea enters the other’s mind and because of that, their thoughts go in the direction of your request.

To prevent your order from being a robbery, you can prepare the other person with some general warnings Ordering something early is usually much better than ordering it too late. If you don’t give the other enough time you are greatly restricting her freedom. This often happens if you have delayed too long or waited with your order until the last hour. That’s a common tendency if you have difficulty asking.

Asking for something can be difficult because with that you run the risk of rejection, which there is always. That’s easier to bear if your request has been for your work or business rather than for your personal interests. A rejection of personal desires can easily be experienced as a rejection of yourself. Especially if you want something from another person with whom you would like to establish a more intense relationship. In these cases a postponement reaction is very common.

You are waiting for a fair opportunity. Maybe you want to make your request in the course of a conversation to make it seem more natural. But it is very dangerous to wait Chances are you could be waiting forever. The opportunity always doesn’t seem fair enough and you wait for a better moment. Meanwhile you are worsening your chances of success by limiting the time left for the other person.

Also, if you link your order to an occasion this seems like you haven’t done it intentionally. With that you pretend that the matter is of minor importance to you. Thus you are communicating something that is contrary to the truth. By making your request without waiting for an opportunity, you treat it more seriously and with that you are increasing the possibility that the other person will take it seriously as well.

So by making a special appointment for your order you are improving your chances. Just like giving the other person time to reflect on their response, the likely effect is opposite to what you would fear. That means it’s better do not let yourself be dominated by psychological feelings and fight them. With the success that you can experience later, you will overcome those anxieties.

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

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