There are those who, when it comes to love, prefer not to leave their comfort zone and remain healthy single. But, sometimes, this vital option is seen not so much as the fruit of a freely made decision, but as an imposition; The world forces us not to bet on falling in love, but deep down we would like not to give up on that experience and delve deeper into it. The fear of love is something that limits our freedom.
So, how to stop being afraid of love? It is not an easy task, since this type of psychological problems and conflicts are based on emotions deeply rooted in preconceived beliefs both about the environment and about ourselves. However, it is possible to “train” ourselves in other ways of thinking and feeling that do serve our interests and improve our quality of life.
Falling in love is one of the phenomena that marks a before and after in our lives. The torrent of emotions that love produces fills practically every facet of everyday life to the point where recurring ideas and mental images can appear.
But, just as it happens in many other experiences, love also entails certain costs. Some of them have to do with the investment in time, efforts and resources necessary to maintain a functional love relationship, and therefore it is already known in advance that these kinds of sacrifices are going to have to be addressed. But others are probabilistic: they may or may not occur. Heartbreak is an example of the latter.
As a consequence, many people develop a fear of love or falling in love, so They deny themselves the ability to be with someone on a regular basis preserving that type of emotional bond.
But sometimes, the same person can have contradictory interests. That is why the concept of fear of love makes sense: where it appears, what happens is not that after reasoning it is reached the conclusion that starting a relationship is not worth it taking into account the objective situation in which one lives, but rather that, regardless of the moment and the context, one fears the possibility of falling in love or experiencing love with another person whatever it is.
Below we will review a series of tips on how to stop being afraid of love, in steps that we must try to adapt to each case.
1. Concrete what you fear
A fear can be broken down into a series of experiences or more specific consequences, which are those that we really want to avoid. To begin to stop being afraid of love, it is necessary to try to be very aware of the true causes of this phenomenon
To do this, you have to go through an initial stage of self-discovery. In this case, we must analyze what are the forecasts and mental images that we associate with what would happen if we did not renounce love, and write them down in a document that we will only use ourselves and that we do not have to share with anyone.
Once this is done, try to group these fears based on whether they meet these criteria.
Once this is done, you will have a directory or “map” of the problem. Possibly one of the previous categories will fit our case much more than the others, or at most two. With that, we will know where to direct our efforts : If you think the problem is sexual, it would be best to attend therapy with sexologists; If the problem is what they will say, the problem will be based on your relationship with the people around you or how you interpret those relationships.
Below we will focus on cases in which the fear of love arises from problems of self-esteem, self-concept or fear of loss, which are the most common.
2. Review your idea of love
It is very possible that, although it may sound paradoxical, you have idealized the experience of love. The image that other couples give is usually positive since due to social pressure they try not to show their imperfections, and in the same way the world of cinema has strived for years to normalize a type of love relationships that fit with the romantic ideal according to which even after going through serious problems caused by external circumstances, two lovers come to fit together perfectly.
Thus, self-esteem problems are capable of facilitating the emergence of the thought that we are not prepared to embark on a lifestyle so sublime and perfect that only totally self-realized people can afford that luxury.
But this is a mistake, since The most common thing is that there is a certain degree of conflict in all couples , for the simple fact that they are two individuals with different interests and points of view. Not even identical twins go through life without arguing even once with each other, so in relationships, in which intimate contact is more daily in adult life, it is more likely that these tensions will be there.
In this sense, to solve this we must modify our beliefs both about romantic relationships and about what we are and what we are capable of. Relationships, after all, only require very basic ingredients governed by the intuitive: empathy, love, and willingness to make an effort to live well with the other person and learn all the daily routines to do so.
It is very common that the fact of having gone through bad experiences in love generates a rejection of falling in love. When this happens, starting to feel those emotions for someone is seen as a problem that becomes obsessive, since there is no clear way to prevent the feelings from running their course, unless you try to avoid that person completely altering our quality of life and giving reasons for anxiety and a certain paranoia to appear in case we encounter it.
But it must be clear that the problems that occurred in previous heartbreaks are not “the essence” of love itself, but problems that occurred in a relational dynamic Each relationship is to some extent unique, and if an ex-boyfriend gave rise to problems, that does not mean that the next one will also have problems. Sometimes we forget that life is not long enough for us to have a realistic picture of what romantic relationships are like with most people.
4. Think that resignation is also a cost
Losing someone you love is a cost, but so is avoiding giving falling in love a chance by avoiding those experiences. Although it does not have key moments, the discomfort generated by that resignation stretches over time , and it’s something you pay for every day. Stopping self-imposed prohibition on having a love life brings instant victory, even if at that moment there is no one to love and start a life as a couple.
5. If you need it, go to psychologists
If the problem is so serious that it causes you constant concern, consider going to a psychologist. Through therapy it is possible to make great advances having a person who, from a professional and healthy distance perspective, can help us “train” a new philosophy of life.
