Empathy is the invisible glue of human relationships. It’s what allows us to feel seen, heard, and emotionally safe. So when you find yourself dealing with someone who lacks empathy, the relationship can quickly become confusing, frustrating, and emotionally exhausting.
Whether it’s a parent, coworker, partner, or friend, interacting with a person who seems incapable of truly understanding or caring about your emotional experience often leads to cycles of conflict, invalidation, and even self-doubt.
But here’s the truth: not everyone has the same capacity for empathy, and not everyone values emotional connection in the way you might. That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate mistreatment—but it does mean you’ll need a new framework for how to relate to these individuals.
In this article, we’ll explore how to identify someone with low or absent empathy, what psychological patterns are at play, and most importantly, how to protect your energy while maintaining your integrity.
Empathy is the ability to understand and emotionally resonate with another person’s feelings. Someone with healthy empathy can:
Recognize when you’re upset—even if you don’t say it
Care about how their behavior affects you
Validate your emotions without needing to fix or dismiss them
A person who lacks empathy may consistently:
Invalidate your emotions (“You’re too sensitive.”)
Shift blame when confronted
Dismiss or minimize your pain
Show little to no concern for how their actions impact others
React with indifference—or even amusement—to your distress
Lack of empathy is often associated with traits seen in narcissistic, sociopathic, or emotionally immature personalities, but it can also arise from trauma, certain neurological conditions (like autism or alexithymia), or simply a lack of emotional education.
It’s important to note: A lack of empathy doesn’t always mean malicious intent. Some people genuinely don’t understand emotional nuance or aren’t wired to connect on that level.
But regardless of the cause, the impact on you is real—and worthy of attention.
Recognize the Red Flags Without Diagnosing
It’s tempting to slap a label—“narcissist,” “sociopath,” or “toxic”—on someone who repeatedly invalidates you. While labels can help us make sense of behavior, they can also backfire by keeping us stuck in judgment rather than action.
Instead, focus on observable patterns:
Do you feel worse after emotional conversations with them?
Are they incapable of comforting you when you’re in pain?
Do they mock vulnerability or see emotions as weakness?
Do they refuse to take accountability for hurtful behavior?
If the answer is yes to most of the above, it’s not your job to fix them—but it is your job to adapt your strategy.
Stop Expecting Emotional Reciprocity
This is one of the hardest but most freeing shifts you can make. When dealing with someone who lacks empathy, stop expecting them to respond as you would. They probably won’t.
You may show kindness, hoping they’ll be kind in return. You might share your hurt, hoping they’ll apologize. But these expectations are based on the assumption that they feel and process emotions like you do—and they don’t.
Instead, practice what psychologists call “radical acceptance”:
“This person does not have the emotional capacity to respond to me in the way I need. I may wish they did, but wishing doesn’t make it true.”
This doesn’t mean excusing their behavior—it means strategically accepting their limitations so you can stop being emotionally whiplashed by unmet hopes.
Protect Yourself with Boundaries, Not War
People without empathy often violate boundaries because they don’t recognize or respect emotional limits. So you’ll need to set boundaries that are:
Clear: Be specific (“I’m not available for conversations where I’m being insulted.”)
Firm: Follow through with consequences when the boundary is crossed
Consistent: Don’t waffle based on their moods or reactions
Examples of boundaries include:
Leaving the room when they escalate emotionally
Limiting the topics you’ll discuss with them
Saying “I’m not going to continue this conversation if you keep interrupting me”
Refusing to explain yourself over and over again
Boundaries aren’t about changing them—they’re about protecting you.
Trying to change someone who lacks empathy through emotional appeals rarely works. But setting limits teaches you to stay grounded, even when they stay difficult.
Detach Emotionally Without Becoming Cold
When you’re dealing with someone who lacks empathy, it’s essential to practice emotional detachment—but not emotional shutdown.
It doesn’t mean becoming cold, spiteful, or distant. It’s about protecting your emotional bandwidth by remembering that you cannot teach someone to care if they don’t want to learn.
Think of it like this: you don’t try to get water from a well that’s dry. Instead, you learn to get water somewhere else.
Use Tactical Communication, Not Emotional Appeals
People with low empathy often react poorly to vulnerability. If you cry, share hurt feelings, or try to explain your emotional needs, they may mock you, shut down, or twist your words.
So instead of using emotional language, try tactical communication:
Stick to facts: “You said you would be here at 5. It’s now 6:15.”
Use “I” statements: “I won’t engage when I feel attacked.”
Skip the drama: Don’t explain why it hurts—just state what won’t continue.
The less emotional fuel you provide, the less control they can exert over the situation. This doesn’t mean you suppress your feelings—it means you don’t hand them over to someone who can’t handle them responsibly.
Don’t Confuse Kindness with Compliance
Empathetic people often bend over backward to keep the peace, assuming that kindness will win cooperation. But with someone who lacks empathy, kindness is often interpreted as weakness.
Here’s the hard truth: If you consistently cater to their behavior, they will not feel grateful—they will feel entitled.
So be kind, yes. But also be:
Direct
Assertive
Unavailable to emotional manipulation
When you stop being endlessly flexible, you send a message: “I respect myself too much to keep tolerating this.”
Understand the Psychology Behind Their Behavior
While you’re not responsible for fixing someone’s empathy gap, understanding the psychology behind it can help you stop personalizing it.
Some common roots of low empathy include:
Narcissistic Personality Traits: An inflated sense of self and low emotional awareness
Attachment Trauma: Emotional neglect in childhood leading to emotional numbness
Alexithymia: A condition where people struggle to identify and describe emotions
Social Conditioning: Some cultures or families discourage emotional expression, especially in men
This doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior—but it helps you see that their lack of empathy is often a defense mechanism, not an attack on you personally.
Decide: Limit, Manage, or Leave?
At some point, you’ll need to make a choice: Is this relationship worth managing, or is it time to walk away?
Ask yourself:
Is this person willing to grow, even a little?
Are there other benefits to the relationship that make it tolerable?
Do I feel chronically drained, dismissed, or devalued?
If you choose to limit the relationship (like with a family member), focus on surface-level communication. If you choose to manage it (like with a boss), keep interactions professional and brief. If you choose to leave, do so with clarity—not drama.
You don’t need their validation to justify your exit.
FAQs about How to Treat a Person Without Empathy
Can a person without empathy change?
In some cases, yes—but only if they have the self-awareness and willingness to grow. Therapy can help, especially if the lack of empathy stems from trauma or emotional underdevelopment. However, true change is rare in those with narcissistic or sociopathic traits.
How can I tell if someone truly lacks empathy or is just emotionally unavailable?
Someone who is emotionally unavailable may want to connect but feel scared or overwhelmed, whereas someone who lacks empathy tends to be indifferent or dismissive of your emotional experience. Look at their actions, not just their words.
Is it toxic to stay in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy?
It depends. If the person is emotionally abusive, gaslighting, or manipulative, staying can be toxic to your self-esteem. But if they’re simply limited in their emotional capacity and you manage expectations and boundaries well, some relationships can be maintained with low emotional investment.
What should I do if I work with someone who lacks empathy?
Set professional boundaries. Stick to the task at hand. Avoid emotional disclosures. Document interactions when needed. Don’t expect understanding—just functional cooperation.
Why do I feel like I’m the problem?
People with low empathy often deflect responsibility, leading you to believe you’re too emotional, too needy, or too sensitive. This is a manipulation tactic. You are not too much—they are too little in their ability to connect. Don’t internalize their limits.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
Goleman, D. (2006). Emotional Intelligence Editorial Kairós.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself. William Morrow.
I’m Emily Williams Jones, a psychologist specializing in mental health with a focus on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness. With a Ph.D. in psychology, my career has spanned research, clinical practice and private counseling. I’m dedicated to helping individuals overcome anxiety, depression and trauma by offering a personalized, evidence-based approach that combines the latest research with compassionate care.
