At Clínica Garoz we want to make a brief approach to a fact that we are encountering in consultation very often, which is emotional dependence on one’s partner.
We often find couples in love who are a source of continuous conflicts. It is already known, “that the dearest loves are the closest.” Who said that? We imagine it would be said by a person who, faced with the fear of leaving her partner, justified her behavior.
Love is a very great feeling that among its qualities is letting the other person grow, develop their full potential, make them feel good, have a common project that excites them and makes difficulties faced better. But what happens if my partner limits me, controls, nullifies, humiliates me, causes me pain but I remain emotionally attached? What makes me, even though I am aware, justify it or “understand” it?
We would have to review what the family we were born into was like, how we were raised, what quality of affection I had, how I felt, what values or beliefs they fostered in me, how they worked on my self-esteem or my security. Not all families are a model of affection and respect, we do not always know how to transmit or work with our children about internal discomfort and conflict resolution. In this society, we need to work more with emotional intelligence and all these shortcomings will be reflected in the relationships we will form in the future.
It is important to know yourself, what personality traits do I have? What qualities or things do I need to improve in myself? What are my fears and insecurities? If we are aware of our deficits such as the fear of loneliness, I will be able to work on my attachment to anyone who gives me company without considering other alternatives.
You have to analyze what reasons make you be with the other person. Assess whether they are economic, family, children, professional reasons, etc. In this assessment we will have to take into account the extent to which these difficulties are real or unreal (fear of leaving my safety zone).
There are toxic couples that do a lot of damage. Each style of loving, loving, the type of affectivity is learned and if we are not aware of it, it is maintained over time. You will love as you see yourself. If you feel that you are an insecure person with a great emotional void, your relationships will be based on that and that is not love but rather the use that is given to that relationship. When we “need” someone it stops being love and becomes dependency and obsession, that is, like a drug. We need the other person to reduce our anxiety, it doesn’t matter if we relate through conflict or pain, what removes “abstinence” is that they are there with us.
There is no ideal partner, the important thing is to know what I want from a partner and what I am willing to offer, that will make me feel good about the relationship I form. Sometimes it seems that society tells us that good relationships last over time, but this is not a dogma of faith. The fundamental thing is the well-being of the members of the couple, happiness and how being together makes us grow as people. If we achieve this, we will not take into account time but rather the experiences and moments.
I’m Emily Williams Jones, a psychologist specializing in mental health with a focus on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness. With a Ph.D. in psychology, my career has spanned research, clinical practice and private counseling. I’m dedicated to helping individuals overcome anxiety, depression and trauma by offering a personalized, evidence-based approach that combines the latest research with compassionate care.
