Mindfulness For Couples: Secrets To Improve Your Relationship
These are difficult times right now; In the midst of the COVID-19 crisis, the tensions that affect us are reflected in all areas of our lives, and relationships are not immune to these tensions.
Luckily, Mindfulness (also called Full Attention) can be a great help to avoid this type of wear and tear in a romantic relationship.
How could Mindfulness help us improve our relationship?
When addressing any topic related to couples, the title of Philippe Caillé’s book comes to mind, One plus one is threein which he implies that when approaching the couple we have to talk about each of the members of the same but also about the relationship itself
Thus, the relationship is that third element that arises from the confluence of two minds, two brains, two bodies, two biographies, which come together, with the complexity that this entails.
Let’s continue Dan Siegel’s proposal, since it will help us see what aspects of the relationship can improve by incorporating the Mindfulness approach This author, in his book Mindsight, talks about integration as the way to unite differentiated elements of a system and is the direct path to harmony in the couple. The development of integration involves the following elements.
1. Pay attention to the difference
It is not about the other person being as I had thought, or as I would like, but rather respecting their ideas, beliefs and customs.
2. Harmony and flexibility versus rigidity or chaos
The author speaks of the river of integration as the flow of an integrated system; facing the two banks of the river, chaos and integration, the two extremes into which couples can fall.
Rigidity would mean the confinement of the couple, the loss of hope… and the chaos could be identified with the absence of a common story in the couple a continuous improvisation…
We can deduce that couples who let themselves be carried away by the river of integration are happier than those who fall into the two opposite poles…
3. Develop awareness of the couple
Through techniques derived from attention, we will be able to more accurately capture the state of the relationship, the reactions of the other person in the couple, and develop kindness in the relationship
4. Horizontal integration
If communication is based on dominance/submission schemes, it is evident that the couple will not flow, and that this power imbalance can seriously contaminate the relationship. Again, kindness or loving kindness, metta, is the perfect antidote to this dynamic.
5. Interpersonal integration
The development of “we” instead of “I” will provide meaning to the couple The scope of which is very valuable: developing our resonance circuits allows us to feel the inner world of other people, the couple in this case, and being incorporated into the world of another person makes us feel happy.
Guidelines for meditating
In our consultation we have been able to observe how if Mindfulness is developed properly and worked together with the couple, It is very useful in couples who are entrenched in conflicts or in couples who struggle against rigid defense patterns or others who are prone to chaotic outbursts of disappointment, since learning to detect the states of reactivity generated by the “flight or attack” system and bring the nervous system to the necessary receptive state for a true and lasting connection it will provide us with the necessary harmony.
Integrating the tools of Mindfulness, accepting the differences of each of the members, You can reduce the hostility that often characterizes dysfunctional relationships and begin a new life of passion and compassion since it promotes integration in the couple and of the couple.
Whether you have practiced Mindfulness meditation or are a newcomer to this field, we suggest that you develop attention; For this, the three-minute meditation is a wonderful resource that you can put into practice at any time of the day: for example, in situations in which you notice that you are upset or with emotions that take over you. This meditation has three distinct parts, as we will see below.
1. Welcome
We begin by surrendering our weight to gravity, paying attention to the parts where the body is in contact with the ground In this first part we will pay attention to any bodily sensations that we notice, we will pay attention to what emotion is acting in us and what thoughts are going through my head. Whatever happens, we accept what is.
2. Breathing
We bring our attention to the breath, without modifying anything Without expecting anything, we perceive how we breathe: if it is superficial, if it is more abdominal… we can make the exhalation last a little longer if this brings us calm. And we rest in the breath.
3. Return to normal
Little by little we are opening our consciousness to the sounds from outside we began to move some part of the body, to join what we were doing, but in a different way.
