Do you know what parental alienation is? Do you think your ex-partner is alienating your children against you? Discover what parental alienation syndrome is and how to combat it.
When parents have problems or have separated, children find themselves in a very difficult situation. In some cases in which the conflict between the parents is very serious, both the father and the mother can act under the so-called parental alienation syndrome where they try to influence their son or daughter to go against one of the parents.
Although this term was formulated by psychiatrist Richard Alan Gardner, the reality is that within the scientific community, the SAP or parental alienation lacks a scientific consensus, which means that this ‘condition’ is not recognized in terms of health and mental disorders. For this reason, neither the World Health Organization (WHO) nor the American Psychological Association (APA), nor manuals on psychological disorders recognize parental alienation syndrome. Despite this, we will tell you what this phenomenon pointed out by Gardner consists of. It is important above all to keep in mind that this condition is considered pseudoscientific.
The term parental alienation It was proposed by Richard A. Gardner in 1985, to classify a situation in which one of the parents, systematically and consciously, indoctrinates the children in the disqualification of the other parent. In simpler terms, alienation and its definition refers to the manipulation of children by one parent, be it the father or the mother, against the other parent. The reasons for carrying out parental alienation can be varied: from spite towards the other parent to obtaining benefits in the divorce process regarding custody of the children, etc.
Although the term or name given to this situation is relatively recent, the reality is that this type of situation has been occurring long before the term was coined. The novelty is related to the possibility of bringing this situation before the judge so that he can take action on the matter. He parental alienation syndrome has entered the courts. However, it is elusive because the subtlety of some situations is difficult to demonstrate. This is because judges tend not to consider arguments that may lend themselves to subjectivity of interpretation, and therefore SAP as a syndrome is difficult to prove.
What is parental alienation syndrome?
When parental alienation occurs very often, children can trigger this pathology. He Parental Alienation Syndrome It is the most serious disorder that a minor can present. It is also the term most used by one of the parents to discredit the other before the judge in order to obtain, in an unfair manner, custody of their child. It is a very difficult disorder to diagnose and is accompanied by controversy, false accusations and lack of scientific consensus. Therefore, neither the WHO (world health organization) nor the American Psychological Association have recognized it as a psychological disorder, which is why it does not appear in any of the two most important manuals of psychological disorders, ICD-10 and DSM. 5.
Symptoms of parental alienation syndrome
Some of the primary symptoms that Gardner described that could indicate the SAP presence:
Denigration campaign: The child is obsessed with hating one of the parents. In this way, the alienation towards one parent is because the other is designated as evil personified.
Weak, absurd or frivolous justifications for contempt: The minor raises irrational and/or ridiculous arguments for not wanting to be with the hated parent. This is one of the symptoms of parental alienation syndrome more evident than children show.
Absence of ambivalence: That is, everything is good in one parent and everything is bad in the other. This symptom of parental alienation it relates to the fact that there are no justifications for such hatred.
“Independent thinker” phenomenon: The minor assures that said rejection comes from him, it is his decision, he denies any type of influence or does not feel alienated by any parent.
Unconditional support for the “alienating” parent: Even though they are offered evidence that he is lying, they will continue to support him.
Indifference towards the hated parent’s feelings: The alienation can become so effective that it seems that the minor cannot have feelings towards the parent who receives the care. attacks of parental alienation
Presence of borrowed arguments: Each of the arguments that the alienated boy or alienated girl presents they usually look like the father or mother who uses them.
The quality of the arguments used seems rehearsed: They often use words that are not part of the child’s language.
Extension of hatred to the extended family and social network of the “alienated” parent: The people who were once an important part of his life, he now rejects.
When a boy or girl shows parental alienation It is vital to act quickly as this can wreak some havoc on your mindset. For this reason, it is advisable to go to a mental health specialist.
Types of Parental Alienation Syndrome
Gardner classified three types of SAP:
Light: The alienation It is superficial, and although the children are intermittently critical and upset, they are basically cooperative during visits when their behavior is usually quite normal.
Moderate: The alienation it’s more important. Minors are more negative and disrespectful, the denigration campaign can be continuous, especially in moments of transition, that is, when children appreciate that the disapproval of one of the parents is just what the other wants to hear. One of them is defined as totally good and the other as totally bad. During visits they usually have oppositional behavior, they can destroy the parent’s property. “alienated”. They defend that they are not influenced.
Severe: In this case, alienation it’s bad. It may be impossible to carry out visits. The children’s hostility is so great that they may resort to physical violence. All the symptoms described above are present. If visits are forced, they may show constant oppositional, destructive behavior, they may escape or remain paralyzed.
The reasons that can lead a parent to distance their child or children from the other parent can be very diverse, such as: the inability to accept the breakup with their partner, an attempt to maintain the relationship through conflict, desires for revenge, self-protection, blame…
False accusations also exist and are more frequent than we think. One parent may accuse the other of being “alienating” for different reasons and which may coincide with those that lead children to be separated from a father: change of custody, revenge, inability to accept the new situation…
How does SAP appear?
He Parental Alienation Syndrome It can appear for various reasons, but in all of them a common factor occurs, the lack of empathy towards one’s own child:
Compete to be the best: Many times this syndrome appears as a response to the competition that occurs between parents to prove to the other that they are a better father or mother. The interest is not the benefit of the child, but the medal to the most beloved father/mother. Obviously in this fight they usually play dirty and cut off the heads that are necessary. This competition can be generated in response to low self-esteem. The parent feels that she may lose her son’s affection because he feels less important and that power struggle appears.
Bad management in the breakup: Breakups can be very complicated and in them it is common to find anger or even hatred towards the other. The problem is when that anger and hatred is transferred to children who have nothing to do with what happened.
Specific personality factors: Impulsivity, lack of emotional control and management, difficulties putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, lack of self-criticism, etc.
How to combat parental alienation syndrome?
Many parents do not know how to demonstrate parental alienation syndrome and this can wreak havoc on the mental health of both the children and the parent who is affected. According to psychologists, to try to counteract parental alienation, it is vital to try to follow the following advice.
Don’t try parental alienation with the other: It may seem logical that by suffering parental alienation The best counterattack is to try to attack the other parent in the same way. This is a real mistake since the only ones who are harmed by doing this are precisely the children. Despite the frustration that SAP as a syndrome can produce, we must put aside the aggressiveness that this type of attitude can give us.
Stay positive and avoid blaming your children: A positive attitude is vital for confront parental alienation The parentalization suffered by children who are exposed to this ends up causing them to end up addressing their parents poorly. Therefore, it is vital to understand what is happening and interact with our children normally.
Remember how he used manipulation: On many occasions, people who use an alienating attitude with their children usually have a manipulative personality. For this reason, it is essential to try to compensate for this type of behavior using the information we know about the way that person used blackmail. This way you can foresee how to compensate the alienation What your son or daughter suffers from.
Know your weaknesses: It is very likely that the person who does this parentification Try to use the weaknesses you have for your parental alienation. In this way, self-knowledge is a good weapon that will make you know how you can attack your weaknesses or defects. By recognizing them you can prevent this from affecting you.
Ask for help: Although there is no complaint for parental alienation Since it is not a crime in itself, the reality is that you can ask psychologists for help to deal with this type of situation. It is vital to consider one of these solutions to parental alienation syndrome as this can affect both you and your child.
What are the effects of parental alienation?
The possible effects that the use of a child who is used as a cloth for tears, as a confessor or simply as a witness to the gossip of one parent against the other can have can be multiple:
Unsafety: As the pillars on which he rests shake, the idealized perception of his father and mother as unconditional caregivers. Parents provide a stable and trusting foundation from which a healthy personality is shaped. In this situation of struggle and criticism, stability and emotional security are being denied.
Aggressiveness: Because of the contradictory feelings that the situation provokes in him compared to the genuine love that a child feels for each of his parents, with their virtues and defects. Children understand in absolute terms, black and white, their mind is not yet prepared to understand that gray exists, it catalogs according to good and bad.
Worry: Because of the threat it poses to its own security and stability.
Stress: By forcing his pace of development and forcing him to adopt points of view for which he is not yet ready.
Hate: Not only the criticized parent; When he gets older, this feeling will revert to the parent who has criticized the child.
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This article has been reviewed by our editorial team at PsychologyFor to ensure accuracy, clarity, and adherence to evidence-based research. The content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice.
