Self-sabotage: What It Is And How To Avoid It

Self-sabotage is made up of those behaviors that appear when faced with events that represent a great change in people’s lives. These behaviors with unconscious self-manipulations that prevent that great change from happening.

They are part of a self-defense mechanism that makes the person stay in their comfort zone where everything is more predictable and it is less likely to be subjected to stressful situations or suffering. The person begins to feel intense fear and a feeling of lack of control and security and allows themselves to be dominated by these sensations, failing to achieve or sabotaging the achievement of an achievement due to these fears.

This self-sabotage can appear in one or more areas of the person’s life. That is, a person can self-sabotage when it comes to relationships, but not do so when it comes to the workplace, or they can do it in both situations.

For example, him self sabotage in relationships. It is quite common for a person to constantly sabotage themselves in relationships. Some examples of said self-sabotage are attacks on one’s partner, jealousy, being emotionally cold, committing infidelities, victimizing oneself…

This is due to self-esteem issues along with an insecure attachment style. The fear of abandonment, of being hurt, makes us prefer to be the one to do it. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to learn to be independent when managing our emotions, lose the fear of being alone, raise self-esteem and develop assertiveness so that we express what we need in a healthy way as a couple.

There are different ways to sabotage yourself depending on the way you act.

Zeigarnik effect

The Zeigarnik effect is leaving things unfinished. Despite dedicating a lot of effort to a project at first, the person does not finish it. This way, he doesn’t have to face the possibility of failure.

Procrastination

It consists of postponing what we must do and, instead, carrying out other types of less important or less interesting activities. Almost everyone has procrastinated at some point in their lives and it is usually because they do not like the task at hand. However, other times, it is due to fear of failure. By postponing it, I will not be able to complete the activity so the person will have the excuse of having procrastinated as a reason for not achieving his goals and does not risk seeing himself as incompetent.

Perfectionism

Some people never finish something as they seek constant improvement. They subject the project to constant changes and revisions, which is why it is the perfect excuse to never deliver it and, therefore, not submit to the possibility of failure since they do not deliver the project because they consider it not finished. In this article we explain how to overcome perfectionism.

Excuses

These people put a lot of barriers and excuses on themselves and their mind goes into tunnel vision through which they only see the negative side and obstacles of the situation. Therefore, they never find the time to deliver the project, for example, because there is no time, there are not enough financial resources, age, time, etc.

The causes of self-sabotage range from the parent’s educational style to the state of one’s own self-esteem.

• Critical parents. It may be that when you were little your parents were excessively critical or perfectionist with both themselves and you or that they did not value your achievements.
• Furthermore, having some rigid values ​​about success humility, sacrifice or power can lead to self-sabotage.
• Demanding parents. It is also common among the causes that your parents pushed your abilities too hard when they were not yet sufficiently developed, and that they asked you for more than they can do or be.
• Another cause is having excessively high expectations and compare yourself with others.
• having suffered bullying It can also cause it.

These experiences make you have an internal voice that tells you “you are not enough”, “you are going to fail again”, “that other person is better than you”, etc. generating a fear to fail that prevents you from moving. It would be important to correct these irrational beliefs and make the internal discourse healthier. Changing these messages to “you may fail but you may not, and if you do, nothing happens or it says anything about you as a person” is a much healthier attitude. In any case, it is important to do deep self-esteem work with the help of a professional. Below we will see how to avoid and overcome self-sabotage with 10 basic guidelines.

What to do about self-sabotage?

1. Write your goals and objectives

When we write down what we have set out to do, it becomes more real. A self-commitment is generated that is painful for us to fail. It is an internal pressure.

2. Tell others

By telling others we are creating not only external pressure, but we are also generating it internally, since if we do not achieve our goal our pride in the eyes of others would be affected.

3. Plan

Write down not only the objective, but the way you achieve it. Design instructions for achieving it, with each step detailed and with marked times, so that we leave no room for improvisation.

4. Take small steps

Many times failure comes with wanting to do everything at once. It’s better to get small Short-term goals in order to focus on them and not give up because the end is too far away. Accomplishing each step are small motivations that accompany us along the way.

5. Review the way you talk to yourself

Surely, your thoughts are full of “I won’t be able to do it”, “I’m giving up”, “it’s too much for me”… Try to change this type of thinking for healthier and more motivating ones such as “look at everything you’ve already done.” achieved”, “you are doing well”, “you can do it”…

6. Be realistic

Understand that some days everything will go very well and other days it will go badly, you will even feel like you are going backwards. He understands that it is part of the process and that it is common for many days to feel like we can’t take it anymore, even so, we have to keep trying.

7. Surround yourself with a good environment

If your environment has the same goals it is great, since you motivate each other. A family or friends who support you and who do not allow you to throw in the towel and who make the path much easier for you can also be very useful.

8. Balance

While it is important to have some discipline, also be flexible with yourself. If one day you fail, nothing happens, don’t punish yourself. Be understanding with yourself and allow yourself to fail, it’s okay to do so, just try again the next day.

9. Don’t procrastinate

Stop thinking about starting the diet on Monday, start it with the next meal, for example. Start now, not on the 1st of next month, remember that that is just one more excuse you are making for yourself. In this article we explain how to stop procrastinating.

10. Take responsibility

Be clear that whether you achieve the goal or not depends on you, stop thinking that it depends on time, what others do or other things. Remember that control is in you and that you will achieve your goal when you decide to achieve it.

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

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