From before our birth until the moment we die, we spend an entire life establishing and breaking bonds with the people in our daily environment. However, some of these relationships are so intense that their fading has strong psychological repercussions. What is the emotional impact of a couple breaking up?
As gregarious beings that we are, people relate and interact with others to communicate what we feel or what they transmit to us at a given moment, to make requests, to debate, to share activities, etc. In any case, Some of the relationships we establish involve greater emotional intensity than others as is the case with our parents, our closest friends, or our partner.
These types of ties are characterized because they provide (or we hope they do) a high degree of emotional security. In other words, there is a high level of trust in the other person, which means that we feel more able to share with him or her not only our strengths, but also our weaknesses. This is especially significant when we find a romantic partner, since this person will have the possibility of getting to know us in multiple facets of our lives, with the “pros” and “cons” of our way of being. For this reason, Robert Sternberg spoke of three elements that he considered crucial for a couple to be able to speak of full love: intimacy, passion and commitment.
Intimacy refers to communication in the relationship, what is said, the management of conflicts, and the activities that are shared, that is, the intention to spend quality time with the other person. Passion, on the other hand, refers to the more strictly sexual component, the physical contact that occurs in the couple due to the attraction that exists between them, and the search for said contact with the other as a moment of union that is not only physical. , but also psychological.
Lastly, the commitment It is a determining factor in that it is related to the will of both members to maintain the relationship over time. It is the joint life project, in which one is present for the other in any medium and long-term planning.
The wear and tear of the couple’s relationship
We have mentioned which three elements are key to the optimal functioning of a relationship, but we often find that one (or several of them) are not working properly in a couple.
Absent or unassertive communication, poor conflict management, little or no respect between the parties, lack of sexual activity, or a dubious commitment to the relationship are some of the most frequent problems in relationships. In fact, a “cascade effect” often occurs, which means that when one element fails, it is very likely that the others will be affected by it. For example, if communication has been inadequate in the relationship for some time, it is very likely that this will affect the sexual sphere and, therefore, the intention to continue as a couple in the medium or long term.
When difficulties appear in the relationship, the members of the couple or marriage can try to solve them with their own resources and strategies or, finding themselves very overwhelmed, with the help of a couple psychologist who can serve as guidance and offer them guidelines to improve those aspects that are marked as deficient. In those cases in which both members are willing to collaborate with what the psychologist can propose, The therapy process is very fast and effective
However, there are situations in which the resources of the relationship are exhausted, the search for help is too unilateral (by only one of the parties) or it arrives when the couple has been so engrossed in their problem that it has become emotionally draining. or both members. In these cases, the most common thing is for the couple or marriage (or one of them) to agree or propose a breakup/separation, so that each one can continue with their life independently and individually overcome some of the difficulties experienced. while they were united.
The emotional impact of the breakup
In those situations in which the existing bond has not been sufficient to resolve the relationship problems, the feeling of loss will lead to a process similar to grieving until the person comes to accept the breakup.
It is very likely that feelings of frustration, helplessness and anger will appear when the situation has not been resolved, especially when a notable effort has been put into it. In addition, The breakup involves a modification of habits and routines Since, most likely, there was a “habit” of functioning in relation to others, which requires an adaptation to change that not only involves emotional aspects, but also thought and behavior.
Furthermore, when there are minors involved, the separation or breakup extends the need to adapt to change also to them, who often find themselves fluctuating weekly between one parent and another and, frequently, also “dragged” by the power games that take place. they can establish.
How can psychologists work with these cases?
Although it is not common, it is possible for an ex-partner to go to a psychologist seeking advice to better manage their separation, that is, to facilitate the process for both of them. With a willing attitude on the part of both, the intervention once again becomes a much more agile process with good results.
However, the ex-partner/ex-marriage is most likely to seek psychological help when minors are involved, due to the need for external guidelines that allow them to handle the situation in the least conflictive way possible. In these cases, it is essential that the psychologist explores that with the ex-partner What was their functioning like in aspects of communication, interaction, coexistence and care of minors? when they were together, and what their goal is to achieve while they are apart.
It is important to define with both of you what you intend to achieve with the therapy process, since you will work to become a team of caregivers, even if you are separated. Listening and empathy must be encouraged, facilitating a safe environment in which respect for both parties prevails and the main goal of achieving an emotionally healthy environment for minors. When we achieve this, we are guaranteeing a very favorable evolution in parenting styles, and a higher level of well-being for both adults and their children.
