Recently, testimonies from mothers and fathers have increased in frequency who, despite loving their children above all else, today seriously question whether they would have made the same decision if they could go back in time.
What could this change in perspective be due to? What factors could be supporting such claims?
Being parents: what implications does it have today?
Parenthood becomes a set of experiences and strong character changes, both at a personal (individual) and family (systemic) level that take place in a specific period of time between the moment the future arrival of the baby is known and the two years following. at his birth, approximately.
During this relatively short stage, numerous events occur that can be a source of emotional stress for the future parent. For this reasonor there is talk of transition or crisis of the family cycle
Although, in a generic way, the satisfactions that this new role entails can compensate the balance derived from the stressors, the latter are of considerable relevance and imply adequate adaptive management that prevents the experience of the new stage as a parent. mother in a problematic way. Among these factors we can differentiate: the time and effort dedicated to caring for the baby, the change in the marital relationship, the difficulty of reconciling the different roles played by each individual (professional and/or personal), the change in schedules and daily routines, the increase in family economic expenses or the increase in the complexity of family relationships, which go from being understood as dyadic systems (relationship between the couple) to triadic systems (father-mother-child relationship).
Transition to parenthood: vital changes
Among the processes of change and continuity in the transition to parenthood/motherhood, adaptations can be distinguished both individually and at the marital level. Among the first, there are changes in daily habits (which refer to a restriction and alteration in sleeping patterns, individual free time and interpersonal relationships, sexual habits and economic availability), the consequences on identity of the subject, his or her self-concept and self-esteem derived from the emergence of the new role as father/mother and the management of the adoption of gender roles that tend to be emphasized with the arrival of a child (understanding the mother as the main caregiver figure and to the father as sole economic breadwinner).
On the other hand, changes also take place, although of moderate intensity, in marital relationships in terms of the establishment of new habits and shared activities (leisure and sexual relations fundamentally) tending to provide less satisfaction than previously; the organization of household tasks and the assumption of family roles (of relative impact); changes at a professional level (more pronounced for the mother than for the father) and the redistribution of time allocated for family relationships and friendships (increase in the former and decrease in the latter).
In order to achieve the ultimate objective of promoting satisfactory development of the progeny, the family educational scenario is attributed the main functions of:
The latter are of relevant importance, since they affect all areas of the child’s development; An adequate structuring translated into the establishment of norms, routines and adaptive habits influences both the learning and conceptual-cognitive understanding of the world around them, as well as the ability to remain in a balanced socio-emotional state in the face of the perception of control and stability of the world. environment where you interact on a daily basis.
There must, therefore, be a clear consensus between parents that allows for consistent and unitary transmission of all the aspects mentioned and that provides the child with a guide to behavior and a set of attitudes or values that enhance their future personal and social well-being.
Importance of the parental agreement in the transmission of values
The particularities available to the family nucleus place it in an advantageous position as a transmitting agent of values, referring to the expression and reception of affection, the volume and quality of time shared between parents and children, the constancy of the family system and the time and the will of the members of the family system to ensure the global development of each member.
So, Values are conceptualized as the set of ideals, both cognitive and behavioral to which the human being is oriented during the course of the life cycle, which have a more or less stable character and present a mainly subjective character. It could be said that this concept refers to the set of beliefs that guide the subject in achieving vital goals or objectives.
Types of securities
There are two types of fundamental values depending on the function assigned to each one.
The usefulness of values transmitted by the family
Values have a motivating nature that encourages the individual to enhance their self-esteem and positive self-concept and their social competence. The family, as a primary socializing agent, becomes a fundamental source for the internalization and achievement of values in the child since it has facilitating characteristics for this process such as proximity, emotional communication and cooperation between the different members of the family nucleus.
When learning values, the compatibility between them must be taken into account and, in case of conflict between some of them, the one that allows greater social adjustment must be selected based on the defining beliefs of the family in question.
Other factors to take into account
But it is not always the case that the values that parents wish to transmit to their offspring end up being transmitted directly, but rather multiple factors can interfere to complicate this initial will such as the influence of intergenerational family relationships (grandparents-parents-children) and interpersonal relationships in the peer or school context, the dynamic and changing nature of the family system itself depending on the experiences it assumes, the socioeconomic characteristics presented by the family nucleus or the educational style used by the parents with their children.
Thus, the originally adaptive values that parents intend to transmit are classified into those that enhance personal development (such as autonomy), interpersonal relationships (such as tolerance) and those that facilitate school or work achievement (such as perseverance). Although all of them are potentially beneficial, sometimes they are not transmitted correctly by parents and this means that children perceive them incorrectly and they cannot be internalized.
It seems that One of the previously mentioned factors, the educational style, plays a fundamental role in this aspect Thus, parents who put into practice a democratic style are those who manage to transmit values more faithfully than previously expected. This educational methodology is optimal for this objective since it encourages the interaction and participation of all family members, being more empathetic, understanding and more open to dialogue than other more distant educational styles.
The effects of constant disagreement
The agreement between both parents on the aforementioned points (the transmission of values and the educational guidelines applied) becomes a determining factor in the final behavior of the child. The existence of parental disagreement on these issues exacerbates the appearance of marital conflicts, which focus on disputes about which value or educational style to convey as a priority instead of focusing on teaching the child an appropriate pattern of behavior. The result of this is significantly detrimental to the family as a whole, since the child does not internalize how he should really act, since the criteria change depending on the situation.
On the other hand, a negative relationship dynamic is created between parents based on discussion or competitiveness over the criterion that is finally applied, equally maladaptive. All of this can contribute significantly to developing a feeling of dissatisfaction with the experience of fatherhood/motherhood.
In conclusion
The quality of the family “educational curriculum” (what and how it is taught) is a determining factor in child development since, given its implicit and relatively unconscious or indirect nature, the set of values, norms, skills and learning are transmitted in a automatic and involuntary in most cases. It is convenient, therefore, reflection on what type of values and educational guidelines are being transmitted assessing its suitability from a more conscious and rational perspective.
Due to the importance of the family’s function in the comprehensive development of the child, it seems essential that the parental nucleus assume the responsibility that comes with the decision of paternity/maternity. As has been proven, there are numerous changes to be experienced by future parents, both on a personal and social level. Therefore, both the emotional stability of each spouse separately, as well as the stability of the parental nucleus itself and the level of agreement between both parents on the educational guidelines to be transmitted are aspects to be considered extensively and deeply before making the determination. embarking on the exercise of parenthood.