To Love or Depend?

When Love becomes dependence and places a person in a situation of suffering from which they are not able to get out without help. Entering, trapped, in a vicious circle.

The love addiction It can be considered as destructive and negative for those who suffer from it as in any other type of addiction.

The problem that occurs with love addiction is that today there is still no social awareness of its importance and severity, and therefore those who suffer from it are not – in many cases – aware of what is happening to them and do not know that they have a true psychological problem that must be resolved with professional help.

The socially shared concept of what love is does not help this either, since we are constantly bombarded on radio and television by advertising campaigns, song lyrics and movies that offer us a vision of love that is totally ideal, unreal and dependent. E.g. Amaral’s song “Without you I am nothing.”

We have been made to believe that suffering, attachment and dependence on our partner It is part of love and that merging with the other person until we lose ourselves in them is love when it is not, it is emotional dependence

A large part of my patients come to consultation because they want to find a solution to their relationship problems, their relationships torment them, they hurt them, they live totally focused on it, fighting day by day trying to make their relationship become everything they want in the end. They imagined it would be, all the energy is used in this direction, always with the hope that the couple will change and be the person that we one day saw, or rather, that we probably wanted to see.

Phases of love

Love, due to its function in itself, causes in its first phase known to all as de efalling in love, that the person in love projects onto the other attributes that make him unique and special, this fulfills an adaptive and vital function for the human being, procreation and therefore the perpetuation of the species. Therefore, when we fall in love we do not have eyes for anyone else, because we are convinced that the chosen one is the best option.

What is known as “the chemistry of love” occurs in our brain and, among other things, in this chemical process there is a segregation of a substance equal to that present in people with obsessive disorders, which leads us to overdo it. the day thinking about the loved one, going over in our heads and reliving their words, the moments together, their smell, etc.

We are making our movie full of hopes, a thousand future projects, and suddenly our lives are filled with color, pure happiness, energy and vitality, self-esteem…

When do the problems start?

So far so good. The problem begins when in the first place we are not the ones who choose our partner who is similar to us and according to our realistic expectations of what we want in a partner, but rather they choose us. This fact would not have greater importance in isolation except in the case in which the people who choose us and that we accept with open arms are not the right people for us or that the relationship they offer us does not do us good, but rather On the contrary, they harm us in the deepest depths and make the experience of love a true ordeal, assuming our own self-destruction, this is known as toxic relationships

When a person has not developed a healthy self-esteem In this area, he is not clear about what he wants and deserves and what he should receive from a partner is at the mercy of chance. One of the main characteristics of people addicted to love and emotionally dependent is their low self-esteem, self-respect and self-love.

The family circumstances, social support and the type of attachments developed during childhood are some of the main indicators why these people have not developed the necessary or sufficient resources to prevent and protect themselves from said toxic people and/or relationships. These people are vulnerable to emotional dependence due to their own emotional deficiencies, their drug is affection, they need it and they get hooked on the first person who offers it to them or who they believe offers it to them.

It does not matter the price to pay, it does not matter that whoever provides them with this pseudo-affection does not treat them well, does not provide them with what they need as a couple, everything is supported by the love addict since the reinforcement that comes with feeling accompanied, although in many cases this company is imaginary, and the reinforcement that someone tells them that they love them makes them give everything in exchange to the point of enduring – in the most serious cases – real humiliation and mistreatment, both physical and psychological.

How to recognize a love addict?

The person who suffers from this addiction is involved in a situation from which he does not know how to get out, he does not see himself capable of leaving the partner who makes him suffer, because although he is bad with her, he is also bad without her, without “his drug.” , producing withdrawal syndrome in the absence of the partner as in other addictions.

The addict constantly deceives himself and convinces himself that change will eventually occur and everything will become as it once was in the conquest phase or in most cases, as one imagined the person and life together would be. to her.

Of course, change never comes, and each day the addict goes a little deeper into a hole in which they feel trapped, their self-esteem becomes lower and lower, which makes them weaker and more vulnerable, feeding at the same time each time. plus their dependence, hence the vicious circle.

The irrational thoughts that the addict ends up believing make them resist the step of abandoning the partner, thoughts such as “I will not be happy without him/her”, “I will not find anyone better”, “I will be alone”, “in the bottom loves me”, “I love him despite everything”, etc.

What we really should be clear about is that whoever hurts us does not deserve us, just like that.

addiction treatment

The Love Addiction As with any other addiction, it requires specialized psychological treatment and must be taken with the seriousness and attention that it requires since, although covertly, it is one of the main problems currently treated in consultation.

Many people are ashamed, do not recognize it or are not able to ask for help because of their status, or because they are independent and secure in the other facets of their life. Unfortunately, this problem does not distinguish between handsome or ugly, smart or less smart, rich or poor. Someone can stand out in their profession due to their leadership and confidence, be physically attractive and be independent in the other areas of their life and be emotionally dependent and suffer from a toxic relationship from which they do not know how to escape.

If you feel identified in these lines and think that you may be going through an emotional addiction problem, do not hesitate to ask for professional help.

It is not an easy problem and overcoming it requires a lot of effort and constant work on personal development and growth. Living trapped in a destructive and unhealthy relationship enslaves us. It is worth facing it and giving ourselves the opportunity to be the masters of our lives. and be happy.