Unmet Couple Expectations: What to Do with Them?

Expectations in the couple, even in any area of ​​life, are very important for its positive development. Exploring mutual expectations is relevant.

It is essential to explore the mutual expectations about the couple to prevent hidden conflicts from arising. Most of the time a conflict is triggered it happens because each person’s intimate beliefs have not been satisfied.

Expectations play a fundamental role in the formation of a couple and are formed throughout life from the influence of the family of origin, the culture in which one lives and previous relationships. They can function as a driver of connection and intimacy with your partner, but also as a source of frustration.

There are three simple steps to handle them and thus avoid confrontations:

• Know what is expected of the other.
• Expectations have to be reasonable and realistic.
• Be clear when expressing what you expect from the other.

Many times it is assumed that the couple knows what the other wants and then one does not bother to explain. But it is very common that what you want often does not coincide with what the other person offers. It is common to hear couples say that when they have to ask it is because something is wrong in the relationship. The truth is that thought divination cannot be trusted. When you ask for something and the other responds, you are showing love and commitment.

When one’s expectations are not understood by the other, then the underlying conflicts emerge instantly. One feels misunderstood because the other did not know how to discover what he wanted or expected from the relationship.

I’m going to propose a exercise to work on expectations that I have extracted from the book “Fighting for your marriage “(Fighting for Your Marriage) by Markman, Stanley and Blumer. You need to think carefully about your expectations regarding your separation. Each of you should respond on a separate sheet of paper and reflect on these questions. Be sure to write down what you really you feel and not what seems to be right or less shameful.

• Is the duration of this relationship “till death do us part?”
• Sexual fidelity What is it for you? What position do you have on it?
• Love Do you expect to always love each other, or do you expect this to change as time goes by?
• Sexual relations. It is important that you talk about the frequency, habits and taboos of sex.
• Romance What is romantic to you?
• Children, do you want to have?
• Children from another relationship. Who will they live with? Can the part of the couple who is not a parent influence their education?
• Who will work? How will expenses be shared?
• To what degree do you expect to be supported by others in difficult times?
• Loyalty What does it mean to each one?
• How do you want to face problems?
• Household chores Who will be in charge? Will the tasks be divided?
• To what extent do they share their feelings? Are they satisfied?
• Little things in daily life Where do you squeeze the toothpaste? Do you lower the toilet lid? Who sends cards and letters?
• You can think about all those expectations that have been left out of these questions and work on them.

Once everyone has answered all the questions on their sheet, mark from 1 to 10 how realistic this expectation is and mark each aspect that you think you have not discussed as a couple.

Finally, read aloud what each person wrote and talk about your expectations. Take time to talk, there is no need to cover them in a discussion, since the objective is to understand each other better.

I hope you liked it!