What To Do If My Partner Is Still In Contact With His Ex

Navigating a romantic relationship can be challenging, especially when past attachments unexpectedly become part of the present. One of the most delicate scenarios that can trigger confusion, insecurity, or even mistrust is discovering that your partner is still in contact with their ex. Whether it’s casual texting, social media interactions, or occasional in-person meetups, this behavior can raise complex emotional questions.

Why do some people maintain contact with ex-partners? Is it harmless nostalgia, or does it indicate unresolved feelings? For some, the continued bond is rooted in friendship, shared responsibilities, or simply a cordial farewell. For others, however, this connection might suggest emotional baggage that hasn’t been put to rest.

In this article, we will explore why partners stay in contact with exes, examine the emotional impact on the current relationship, and offer practical strategies to handle the situation. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Is this okay, or am I being too sensitive?”, you’re not alone. Understanding your feelings, setting healthy boundaries, and communicating openly are essential to protecting your emotional well-being and preserving your relationship’s integrity.

Understanding Why Your Partner Might Still Talk to Their Ex

Before jumping to conclusions, it’s crucial to explore the potential reasons behind the contact. Not all interactions with exes are threatening or inappropriate. Here are some common motives:

Co-parenting and Shared Responsibilities

One of the most legitimate reasons people stay in touch with an ex is shared custody or co-parenting. Children require ongoing communication between both parents for logistical and emotional support.

Shared Financial or Legal Ties

Exes who once shared a mortgage, loans, business ventures, or even pets may need to continue talking until all matters are resolved. Legal or financial obligations can require regular check-ins even after a breakup.

Old Friendship or Emotional Closure

Some relationships transition into platonic friendships. If both parties have emotionally moved on, staying friends may feel natural. Additionally, if the breakup was recent, they may be seeking closure through continued communication.

Professional Connection

In cases where your partner and their ex work together or share professional circles, contact may be unavoidable. The key difference is whether the contact remains appropriate and professional.

Unfinished Emotional Business

Sometimes, a partner remains in touch with an ex because of unresolved emotions. This is where things become complicated—especially if the communication is secretive or emotionally intense.

How Does This Affect the Current Relationship?

The impact largely depends on how the communication is handled and how it makes you feel. You might feel:

• Insecure or anxious
• Suspicious or excluded
• Disrespected or undervalued

These feelings are valid and should not be dismissed. Emotional safety is fundamental in any relationship. If your partner’s contact with their ex undermines your sense of security, it’s worth addressing.

Red Flags to Watch Out For

Some forms of contact with an ex can be clearly problematic. Be cautious if you notice:

• Secrecy around texts or calls
• Late-night conversations
• Defensive or evasive behavior when asked
• Deleting messages or hiding interactions
• Emotional comparisons between you and the ex

These behaviors may point to boundary issues or emotional confusion, and ignoring them can lead to deeper trust problems.

How to Approach the Situation Constructively

Rather than jumping into accusations or ultimatums, consider taking the following steps:

Reflect on Your Own Feelings First

Before confronting your partner, examine your emotions. Are you feeling jealous due to past experiences or is there something specific triggering your discomfort? Being aware of your own insecurities can help you approach the conversation more calmly.

Initiate an Honest and Respectful Conversation

Use non-confrontational language to express your thoughts:

“I noticed that you’ve been talking to your ex. I’d like to understand what that communication means for you, because I’ve been feeling a bit uneasy.”

Using “I” statements helps avoid blame and encourages dialogue.

Ask for Transparency, Not Control

You’re not trying to micromanage your partner’s life. You’re seeking clarity and respect. Ask questions like:

• “How often do you talk?”
• “What do you talk about?”
• “How does this connection affect our relationship?”

This helps you understand the nature and frequency of the contact.

Discuss and Establish Boundaries Together

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and trust. Discuss what feels acceptable and what doesn’t. For example:

• Avoiding emotional conversations with the ex
• Not communicating at night
• Informing each other when the contact occurs

Boundaries are not demands; they are agreements that support the well-being of both partners.

Observe Their Reaction

Your partner’s response is crucial. Are they open, reassuring, and understanding? Or do they become angry, defensive, or dismissive?

A caring partner will take your concerns seriously, even if they disagree. A dismissive or secretive response could be a sign that your instincts are correct.

Trust Your Intuition

If something feels off despite all reassurances, trust your gut. You don’t need “proof” to justify how you feel. Your emotional comfort matters.

What to Avoid When Dealing With the Situation

Handling sensitive topics can backfire if not done carefully. Here’s what you should avoid:

Don’t Snoop or Spy

Checking your partner’s phone or social media may feel like the only way to find the truth, but it’s a violation of trust. Once trust is broken from either side, it’s hard to rebuild.

Don’t Suppress Your Feelings

Burying discomfort for the sake of avoiding conflict only leads to resentment and emotional distance. Speak up kindly and clearly.

Don’t Give Ultimatums Unless You Mean Them

Saying “It’s me or them” may come across as manipulative unless you are ready to follow through. Use clear communication instead.

Don’t Compare Yourself to the Ex

Comparison creates unnecessary self-doubt and damages your self-esteem. Remember, your worth isn’t diminished by someone else’s past.

How to Rebuild Trust if It’s Been Shaken

If the situation has already caused emotional damage or broken trust, healing is possible with effort and honesty.

Reinforce Emotional Safety

Talk regularly about what each of you needs to feel safe, seen, and respected. Emotional safety means being able to express yourself without fear of rejection or criticism.

Seek Therapy if Needed

A neutral third party can help you both navigate the emotional complexities. Couples therapy is especially helpful when communication becomes difficult.

Focus on Reconnecting

Spend time together, engage in meaningful conversations, and rebuild intimacy. Strengthening your emotional bond helps restore trust over time.

Is It Ever Okay to Ask for No Contact?

Yes, especially if the communication:

• Is frequent and emotionally charged
• Interferes with your relationship
• Makes you feel unsafe or secondary

Your emotional boundaries are valid, and it’s okay to request what you need to feel secure.

Reevaluating the Relationship

In some cases, your partner may refuse to respect your boundaries, dismiss your concerns, or continually prioritize their ex over you. These are serious red flags. A loving partner will take your needs into account.

If you constantly feel unheard, insecure, or disrespected, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship and consider whether it’s meeting your emotional needs.

FAQs about What to Do if My Partner is Still in Contact with His Ex

Is it normal for my partner to still talk to his ex?

Yes, it can be normal depending on the context. If the relationship is strictly platonic and transparent, there may be no reason for concern. However, it should not compromise your emotional security.

How can I tell if my partner has feelings for their ex?

Signs may include secrecy, emotional withdrawal from you, frequent comparisons, or excessive communication with the ex. Trust your intuition and look for behavioral patterns.

Should I demand they cut contact?

Rather than issuing demands, express your needs clearly and ask for mutual boundaries. If the contact makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay to ask for changes—just do so respectfully.

What if my partner hides the communication?

Secrecy is often a red flag. Hiding interactions suggests they know it would hurt you or that boundaries are being crossed. Address this directly and honestly.

Can relationships survive contact with exes?

Yes, many relationships thrive despite occasional contact with exes, as long as trust, transparency, and boundaries are firmly in place. The health of the current relationship depends on open communication and mutual respect.

Bibliography

• León, N., García-Rincón, L., Valencia, D., Barreto, S., Alfonso, A., Quintero, CAM, Roncancio, C., and Parra, A. (2016). Effect of a cognitive behavioral intervention for the management of jealousy in the relationship. Psychology, 10(1), 113-123. https://doi.org/10.21500/19002386.2472
• Montesano, A. (2015). Fundamental keys in couples therapy: A navigation guide for practice. Psychotherapy Magazine. https://dialnet.unirioja.es/servlet/articulo?codigo=5399362