What to Do When Your Partner Ignores You

When you fall in love, you hope that the way you love will be returned to you in the same way: to live a reciprocal and unconditional love, in which the person with whom you share your life takes care of you and worries about you, in the same way as you. However, this often does not happen, and there are situations in which our partner ignores us or does not give us the attention and interest that we deserve. Elie Wiesel coined the famous quote “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” In fact, being ignored can feel even worse than being rejected, making you feel like you don’t matter at all.

In this PsychologyFor article titled What to do when your partner ignores you? We will try to shed some light on it.

My partner ignores me, is it normal?

In all our relationships, whether family, romantic, friendly, work, etc. We all need nooks and crannies for ourselves. The fact that your partner gives you space to meet your friends, visit your family, do activities, etc. It can be something positive and necessary. However, if he uses this argument as an excuse to show little interest in knowing how your week went, not returning your calls, spending days without being able to reach him, among other examples, It is not a good sign

If you feel like your boyfriend is ignoring you, probably the first thing you think is that he doesn’t care about you. However, before jumping to premature conclusions, it is important to take other variables into account. In general, it is not a conscious process, since it largely consists of a biological reaction rooted in certain structures of the central nervous system, formed as a result of some parenting practices carried out in childhood.

Why does my partner ignore me?

When we establish a bond with someone, we are giving that person the possibility of harming us, if at some point they decide to end it. In this way, because intimacy in relationships creates vulnerability and increases the possibility of experiencing strong negative emotions, it is often avoided. This does not mean that people with avoidant tendencies do not have a partner or friends. They may even be perceived as popular, particularly because they tend to be successful in areas of competition and achievement.

However, these people are likely to have difficulties in establishing lasting and intense bonds and feel uncomfortable with close relationships.

On the other hand, to establish and maintain a relationship you need a certain maturity and emotional health, and there are many people who do not possess these qualities, either due to personal or past characteristics, lack of interest, erroneous beliefs, etc. However, if there is will, work can be done to advance in this aspect. If something similar happens to your partner, below we give you some tips to deal with the situation.

How to make your partner react when he ignores you

Below, we leave you some tips that you should keep in mind when your partner ignores you:

Admit your mistakes

Many people come to therapy with complaints about the way their partners relate to them. In many cases, the complaints are justified, after all, their partners are humans and, as such, imperfect.

However, it is necessary to take into account that relationships are bidirectional that is, they have two meanings, and, sometimes, we tend to notice the mistakes of others, without realizing it or justifying those we make ourselves.

Try not to take things personally

Psychologists call this tendency fundamental attribution error. In this way, if our partner is quieter than usual, we would tend to relate it to him being cold and distant, while, if it happened to us, we would attribute it to having had a bad day. If these are isolated events, try don’t take it personally Maybe he’s had a bad day too.

On the other hand, it may also be the case that your partner is more reserved, not everyone is equally expressive.

Avoid labeling him

On the other hand, avoid labeling him Phrases like “you never want to go out or make plans with me, you’re very boring” will only undermine him and generate reactivity. Put a positive spin on your arguments, talk to him about how much you want to go out with him and make new plans.

Show gratitude and appreciation

When he has a detail with you, shows interest in your interests, prepares dinner for you, etc. thank and appreciate his gestures This will not only encourage positivity in your partner, but will also encourage the repetition of these behaviors that go unnoticed.

Avoid getting defensive

When it comes to arguments, avoid getting defensive and invites more open and honest communication It’s not about you staying silent or agreeing with everything your partner says and does. If you expect that, through silence, your partner will intuit everything that is going through your mind, you will live in eternal disappointment.

On the other hand, if you talk about your feelings honestly, in a space free of blame and judgment, your partner will be more likely to empathize with you, while their reaction will also be more softened. In the following article, you will find how to improve communication between couples.

What do I do if my partner ignores me?

If your partner ignores you and you don’t know how to act, below we list 10 tips to put into practice:

1. Don’t pay him in the same coin: If it is painful that your partner does not dedicate time to you or show interest in you, do not do the same: not only will you not be able to reverse the situation, but you will perpetuate this dynamic.
2. Don’t rush to jump to premature conclusions: If he takes a long time to answer your messages or calls, maybe something happened to him. Approach the topic tactfully, starting with something like this: “Is everything okay? When I don’t hear from you for a long time, I worry that something might have happened to you.” This will allow him to understand you without becoming defensive.
3. Set clear boundaries of what is admissible or not. This does not mean being cold and inaccessible, but rather acting and asking for respect for yourself. Ask yourself which actions of your partner are reasonable and which are outside of what is permissible. Taking time to respond to a message is acceptable, but disappearing for five days without giving any explanation or sign is not so understandable.
4. Involve him in plans and decisions: If the greatest weight of the relationship falls on you, and your partner usually adopts passive attitudes, try to involve him in tasks or activities so that he adopts a more active posture. Ask him his opinion on a topic that is at stake, let him decide where you will go to dinner tonight.
5. Try to be as specific as possible as to the what and not the who. That is, it points out the problematic behavior and not the person. If it bothers you when you go days without being able to reach your partner, let them know that this makes you think that they don’t care about the relationship on the same level as you do. Avoid personal criticism, and if necessary, try to make it as constructive as possible. Try to be able to articulate them in two sentences: “I would like you to be more punctual when we meet.”
6. Couple time: It is vital that each partner has their own lives and maintains a substantial amount of time for themselves, but at the same time, it is essential to take time to cultivate the attention and intimacy necessary for the relationship to thrive. Look for moments in the week or month for yourself, that are immovable and cannot be postponed.
7. Remember that you are a team: Don’t try to stay above your partner or impose your arguments. Maybe there’s a reason he couldn’t meet with you or answer your calls, so listen to what he has to say before starting an argument.
8. If at any given moment, your boyfriend/girlfriend needs to “escape”, don’t chase him or he will run faster. On the contrary, offer him the space you need to calm down and connect with your emotions. If you don’t allow this to happen, your feelings of overwhelm will likely increase and you’ll need to distance yourself even further.
9. Never ignore how you really feel: If you know what you want and need in a relationship, never discard your feelings or settle for something that is not what you want to make the relationship work, or because you want to be in a relationship at all costs. Remember that you can’t turn your partner into someone they’re not, so if you feel disappointed, frustrated, and dissatisfied, don’t ignore it.
10. Finally, remember that you are the only person responsible for your happiness and that committing to another person is not the same as assigning all the weight of your well-being to them. Having a relationship can be a wonderful experience, but you should not run the risk of “merging” with your partner, since in the long term this is usually one of the main causes of dissatisfaction in relationships.

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to What to do when your partner ignores you we recommend that you enter our Couples Therapy category.

Bibliography

• Lerner, H. (2012). Marriage rules: A manual for the married and the couple up. Gotham.
• Firestone, R.W., Firestone, L.A., & Catlett, J. (2003). Creating a life of meaning and compassion: The wisdom of psychotherapy. American Psychological Association.
• Shorey, H.S., & Snyder, C.R. (2006). The role of adult attachment styles in psychopathology and psychotherapy outcomes. Review of general psychology, 10(1), 1-20.