When You Are In A Relationship And You Fall In Love With Another Person

Be in couple It generates a certain tranquility, a feeling that things are going as they should, according to what society dictates. But that tranquility can also cause a certain routine, stagnation and boredom which sometimes makes you wonder if he is the right person or if you are still in love.

I have already talked before about the phases of a relationship, but generally we do not fall in love with other people when we are in the middle. falling in love phase That first phase that I call “fireworks” is idyllic, you don’t see the other person’s flaws, and if you see them, you deny them, so it is very difficult for you to notice another person. When this interest can appear is when the relationship is stable, it has become routine and there are few innovations between you.

I have had several patients in therapy, both men and women, with and without children, who have fallen in love with other people while in a relationship. I recently visited a woman who had a partner of more than 20 years with whom she had three children in common and the relationship between them was one of great communication, few arguments and in general it could be said that the relationship was easy and comfortable. But the woman began to notice a colleague in the office, an attractive man who showed interest in her. Finally the woman ended up being unfaithful to her husband for a while despite resisting her wishes for a while, until she realized that she had fallen in love with her. She was clear that she wanted to be with him, but this man was also married and was not very keen on leaving his wife, so she left the lover and continued with her husband in the stagnant and now totally out of love but comfortable relationship.

Another case is that of a man who had been married to his wife for many years, with a daughter in common. The relationship between them was one of submission on his part and she was the one who directed the relationship. He didn’t feel comfortable but he was afraid to leave the relationship for his daughter. He signed up for English classes to get out of the routine, and in that situation he met a woman who began to attract him. One day the woman told him that she had fallen in love with him and that she was going to leave her husband and he, even though she had also fallen in love with her, continued with both women for two years, lying to them. two. Finally, he plucked up the courage, partly due to pressure from the new couple who asked him to move forward and move in together, and decided to break up with his wife.

What can you do if you fall in love with someone else?

1. Assess if you feel well: Sometimes we think that it is the relationship that is not working and that you have fallen in love with another person when in reality what is happening is that you do not feel good about yourself. You may think that you are falling in love with someone but in reality what may happen is that you need a change in your life (such as work) or you are not having a good emotional time (you are depressed, you lead a monotonous life). and you think that what is failing is the relationship. Analyze yourself, listen to yourself and make sure that everything is going well in your life before taking into account that the problem is how you feel towards your partner.
2. Make sure it’s love you feel: Sometimes noticing another person is temporary. Simply the result of stagnation or routine in the relationship. If what happens to you is that you miss the feeling of falling in love, appreciate what you would lose just for those months (it doesn’t last longer) of falling in love. Then you would return to a new routine, but a routine nonetheless. However, if you think you have fallen in love, then you should consider taking the step of breaking up with the current relationship.
3. Analyze what you feel for your partner: Sometimes relationships become loving and affectionate but the love is over. If you see your partner more as a friend than as a couple, you are comfortable but you do not miss him/her, you think about your life without him/her and it does not hurt you beyond the loss of comfort that it would entail, then the relationship is dying and it is better to make a decision. However, if you feel that you still love him/her, then fight to resolve the dissatisfactions and generate a spark.
4. Work on your relationship: Perhaps that hookup you are feeling is the result of dissatisfaction in the relationship. If there are things you don’t like about your relationship, tell him/her, work on it and resolve it. You can resort to couples therapy to improve the quality of the relationship but above all, it is important to be honest with your partner. Tell him that you are stuck, that you see the relationship in danger and that you are starting to focus on other people. Communication is a very important pillar in relationships, so go ahead.
5. Avoid infidelity: No one likes to be unfaithful and even less likes to lead parallel lives. If you start to like someone, take the bull by the horns and leave your current relationship, try and take risks, but don’t betray a person who is being faithful to you and showing you respect. It is cowardly to not let go of one vine until you have the other secured. In life you have to take risks, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but at least you will be honest with yourself and with the other person.

To finish, I would like to say that we cannot control who we fall in love with, what we can do is assess whether what we feel is love or not and act accordingly.

Encarni Muñoz Silva

Health psychologist, member number 16918