Why Am I Defensive? 7 Reasons Behind Defensiveness
Do you tend to be defensive towards others? Do you tend to take things with a defensive attitude? Find out what this type of behavior may indicate and how to remedy it.
Defensiveness is a natural psychological response that emerges when we feel threatened, judged, or misunderstood. While occasional defensiveness is common, frequent or excessive defensiveness can strain relationships, hinder communication, and create barriers to self-improvement. Understanding the reasons behind defensiveness can help you address the underlying causes and respond more constructively to situations that challenge your emotions or beliefs.
Here are seven common reasons why people become defensive and how to recognize them.
We are all programmed to protect ourselves and this can lead to having a defensive attitude But being defensive can always be detrimental to both you and your relationships with others. So, what does it mean to be defensive according to psychology?
The defensive attitude It refers to both a feeling and a behavior that we can all adopt. The feeling occurs when you feel that someone can criticize, embarrass or hurt you with their attitudes and words. It is not necessary for what they say to be very incisive, simply a comment without bad intentions can make us jump. This involves having behavior as a result of these feelings that may involve being more critical of this person, among other responses.
How do I know if I’m defensive?
Normally, people who tend to be defensive They are not aware that they are having these types of attitudes. In fact, defensiveness can be difficult to recognize. Some of the signs that can help you identify this type of behavior are the following:
Stop listening to the other person.
You accuse people of having double intentions
You try to justify your actions
You bring up past things that the other person did wrong and avoid talking about the current topic.
Criticism, even when constructive, can feel like a personal attack for those who associate it with inadequacy or failure. Defensiveness in response to criticism often stems from a deep-seated fear of not meeting expectations or being judged harshly.
Signs: Reacting immediately to criticism with excuses or counterarguments, dismissing the feedback, or turning the focus onto the other person.
2. Low Self-Esteem
People with low self-esteem may perceive feedback or opposing viewpoints as affirmations of their insecurities. As a result, they become defensive to shield their sense of self-worth.
Signs: Feeling overly sensitive to comments, interpreting neutral statements as negative, or withdrawing emotionally when feeling criticized.
3. Perfectionism
Perfectionists often hold themselves to unrealistically high standards. When faced with situations that expose imperfections, they may react defensively to protect their image or avoid feeling like a failure.
Signs: Refusing to acknowledge mistakes, justifying errors excessively, or blaming external factors for shortcomings.
4. Fear of Vulnerability
Being open to feedback, admitting mistakes, or sharing emotions requires vulnerability. For some, this vulnerability can feel risky, leading them to respond defensively as a way to maintain emotional protection.
Signs: Avoiding deep conversations, deflecting questions about feelings, or quickly changing the subject when uncomfortable topics arise.
5. Past Trauma or Negative Experiences
Defensive behaviors can also be a learned response from past experiences where openness led to hurt, rejection, or criticism. These experiences create a heightened sensitivity to perceived threats in similar situations.
Signs: Overreacting to minor disagreements, feeling the need to defend oneself even in non-confrontational settings, or mistrusting others’ intentions.
6. Lack of Emotional Regulation
People who struggle to regulate their emotions may react defensively when they feel overwhelmed. This knee-jerk reaction often bypasses rational thinking, leading to impulsive responses.
Signs: Quick escalation of conflicts, difficulty calming down after an argument, or an inability to see the other person’s perspective.
7. Unresolved Internal Conflicts
Defensiveness can also stem from unresolved internal struggles or insecurities. When someone brings up a topic that touches on these issues, it can trigger a defensive reaction as a form of self-preservation.
Signs: Feeling attacked when someone mentions a sensitive topic, becoming overly defensive about certain aspects of your life, or projecting your insecurities onto others.
Types of defensive attitude
There are different types of defensiveness that we can adopt before others. Among the most common we find the following:
Ad hominem attack: Attack the other person in some way to discredit them.
Bring up the past: remind the other person when they made a mistake in the past.
silent treatment: not to talk to a person to get revenge on them. This can also end up being typical of a passive-aggressive attitude.
To blame: Blame the other person for whatever they criticize you for.
Righteous indignation: Acting as if they should not make any comments on a specific topic, thinking that it is a direct attack.
Innocent victim: agree with the criticism, but exaggerate the reaction such as crying or feeling very hurt to make the other person feel guilty.
If you think you adopt a defensive attitude towards others, you can do the following to avoid this type of attitude:
Become aware of the defensive attitude: In order to stop a defensive behavior. It’s realizing when it’s happening. In those moments it is crucial to pay attention to how you feel and how you are reacting to others.
Validate your feelings: To the get defensive It is important to validate your feelings, that is, recognize why you feel hurt, ashamed, worried, etc., in order to calm these feelings.
Avoid acting on your feelings: As you validate your feelings, you should try not to act on the impulse to become defensive.
Anticipate your defensive attitude: Maybe you’ll start be defensive when you are around a person or in a certain situation. In these cases, the best thing you can do is anticipate it and plan how you would like to react to it.
Increase your self-esteem: There are many occasions when the defensive attitude It is related to low self-esteem or personal insecurities. Therefore, a good way to avoid this type of emotional reactions is precisely by working on our self-esteem.
Go to therapy: If you fight against a defensive attitude and you can’t seem to control it, you may need to invest in therapy to work with this problem. Going to a psychologist is very useful when you are experiencing obstacles in your relationships due to this.
How to treat a person who is always on the defensive?
If a person around you is always with a defensive attitude there are a series of tips that you can follow to deal with this situation:
Ignore defensiveness: Instead of focusing on the mistakes this person makes because of their attitude, focus on solving the problems and having good communication with this person.
Accept criticism: We can agree with the part of the criticism that we believe the other is telling the truth and refute the part that we consider to be unfair.
Keep calm: Also get to the defensive It will make things worse, so you should try to maintain a calm attitude.
Find common ground: To calm someone who has a defensive attitude, it is important to try to find common ground that calms these types of feelings.
There are many occasions in which we can be defensive with others, but having this attitude constantly in our relationships can indicate a psychological problem beyond this feeling.
How to Address Defensiveness
While defensiveness is a protective mechanism, it can often do more harm than good in personal and professional relationships. Here are some strategies to manage and reduce defensiveness:
Pause Before Reacting: Take a moment to breathe and reflect before responding. This can help you assess whether your reaction is constructive.
Practice Self-Awareness: Identify your triggers and explore the underlying beliefs or emotions that lead to defensiveness.
Embrace Feedback: View feedback as an opportunity for growth rather than a personal attack.
Cultivate Empathy: Try to understand the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
Work on Self-Esteem: Strengthen your self-worth by focusing on your strengths and achievements.
Seek Professional Help: If defensiveness stems from deep-seated issues like trauma or unresolved conflicts, consider working with a therapist to address them.
FAQs About Defensiveness
What causes defensiveness in relationships?
Defensiveness in relationships often arises from fear of rejection, misunderstandings, or feeling unfairly blamed. It can also stem from unresolved insecurities or past experiences of being hurt in similar situations.
Is being defensive a bad thing?
Being defensive isn’t inherently bad—it’s a natural response to protect oneself. However, excessive defensiveness can hinder communication, damage relationships, and prevent personal growth.
How can I stop being so defensive?
To stop being defensive, focus on developing self-awareness, practicing active listening, and embracing constructive criticism. Taking deep breaths and pausing before responding can also help regulate impulsive reactions.
Why do I feel attacked so easily?
Feeling attacked easily may be linked to low self-esteem, past negative experiences, or heightened sensitivity to criticism. Identifying and addressing these underlying causes can reduce this tendency.
Can therapy help with defensiveness?
Yes, therapy can be highly effective in addressing defensiveness. A therapist can help you explore the root causes, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and improve communication skills.
