Why Do I Always Choose The Wrong Person? Relational Patterns Are Also Learned

Have you ever wondered why you find certain people irresistibly attractive, even when you know they’re not good for you? Or maybe the opposite has happened to you: meeting someone who seems perfect “on paper” but not feeling that connection.

If this sounds familiar, what you’re experiencing may not just be a matter of “bad luck,” but rather a reflection of relational patterns that your nervous system has learned to be “normal.”

This article will not only help you understand what is going on, but it will also show you How you can start building more conscious and satisfying relationships.

What do we learn about relationships from a young age?

From the time we are children, our experiences with others—especially those who care for us—teach us what to expect from relationships. If those experiences were healthy, we are more likely to see relationships today as a safe place where we can trust, connect, and express our needs without fear.

But what if those first experiences were unhealthy? Maybe you learned to associate affection with the need to work hard to obtain it, or perhaps with emotional distance or unpredictability. These dynamics are not only recorded as memories, but influence what your body—your nervous system—interprets as “familiar.”.

The familiar, although difficult to understand due to the discomfort it generates, usually feels “comfortable.” This is not something you consciously seek, but rather an automatic response based on what your body has learned to interpret as habitual.

Why are we attracted to what hurts us?

Our nervous system acts as an emotional radar that tends to look for what is familiar. If your early relationship experiences were unstable, conflicted, or emotionally distant, you may unconsciously find familiarity in similar dynamics, even if they aren’t the healthiest.

This can lead us to unconsciously choose partners who reinforce relationship patterns we know well, even if they hurt us. For example:

How we work on these patterns in therapy

The good news is that these patterns are not permanent. With time and the right work, it is possible to understand them, question them, and choose relationships more aligned with what you really need. In therapy, we explore several aspects to help you achieve this:

1. Identify your relational patterns

We begin by exploring your current and past relationships, observing what dynamics repeat themselves and how you respond emotionally to them. For example, have you been attracted to people who made you feel insecure or who were emotionally unavailable? This gives us clarity about what is happening and how to begin to break those dynamics that no longer serve you.

2. Understand how your body responds in relationships

Your nervous system gives us important clues. How do you feel physically when you are around someone who is emotionally available? Do you notice tension or discomfort in a calmer relationship? These automatic responses help us understand where your choices come from and how to regulate them.

3. Reconnect with your emotional needs

Many times we do not choose healthy relationships because we have not learned to identify our own needs or they have been denied to us. In therapy, we work to help you recognize what you really need and how those needs can guide you toward more satisfying relationships. This process allows you to start making decisions that truly bring you closer to more fulfilling relationships.

4. Learn to tolerate the new

Healthy relationships can feel uncomfortable at first, simply because they are different from what you know. We work so that these new dynamics, although initially disconcerting, become your new normal.

Choose differently, from a healthier place

If you have always felt that you repeat the same patterns in your relationships and you don’t know how to change it, you are not alone. Those choices are not a “failure” of yours, but rather learned responses that we can explore and transform together.

At SAFE Psychology, we help you understand your relational patternsidentify your needs and build a stronger emotional foundation to choose partners who are truly in line with what you want and deserve. Changing those patterns is not easy, but it is possible. By reconnecting with yourself, you can begin to create relationships that not only feel familiar, but that make you grow and feel at peace.

Remember, what your nervous system interprets as familiar does not have to be your destiny. If you are ready to begin this process, schedule an informational call with us. We are here to accompany you on this path towards more conscious and fulfilling relationships.