One of the first lessons we learn as we enter adulthood is that justice is something created by humans, not a principle that governs nature. Beyond some religious and clearly metaphysical concepts such as karma, we assume that the normal thing is that we have to fight to do justice, instead of letting it do itself.
But knowing this does not make certain personal relationship problems become less frustrating. The appearance in our lives of people who fail us when we believe they should be able to be there for us is one of those unsettling experiences to which we do not always know how to respond.
It has happened to all of us; There are people with whom, despite having shared good moments and conversations full of sincerity, we end up distancing ourselves when we see that they are not there when we need them most. Even after we have done them important favors.
The disappointment experienced in these cases is not usually the cause of the distancing, but another of the consequences of that little betrayal However, in those moments we often remember that, technically, others don’t have to fit our expectations. For some reason they are beings completely independent of us, they do not exist to satisfy our needs. Just because as children we had parents who encouraged some actions and penalized others does not mean that nature automatically distributes rewards and punishments. It is a fact that favors do not have to be returned.
But… should we settle for that explanation? When we realize that The people who fail us are beginning to be suspiciously numerous Aren’t there more possible explanations besides simple chance?
Why is almost no one there for me?
It is important to understand that in practically any personal problem there are causes (not necessarily blame) in ourselves and in the context in which we live. Since to understand the second factor it is necessary to study case by case, below we will see two possible explanations related to the second factor. Both indicate a possibility of improving the situation
A bias toward toxic relationships
We may have a bias to especially appreciate the company of a profile of people who simply has very little commitment to relationships or friendships. People with a superficial charm, for example, who appear very friendly but always keep their distance so as not to get involved in other people’s problems. Or simply extremely individualistic and not solitary people who, due to their rebellious appearance, seem attractive to us.
If we dedicate a good part of the time and effort of creating friendships to establishing contact with these people, we will possibly become more frustrated in the medium and long term, when a good part of the people we interact with begin to fail us.
That’s why it’s good reflect on the possible existence of these biases and reorient the mission of meeting people towards other people or social circles. Perhaps prejudices and the limited variety of places through which we interact with others are limiting our possibilities of meeting people who fit well with us.
Good and evil are not two elements totally separate from each other. Both depend largely on the context of the person who reproduces them through his or her actions. For example, stealing while part of the middle class is not the same as stealing while begging. Taking this into account, it is understood that the same people who totally ignore our needs or care about us They can become very good friends of ours in a somewhat different context
And what could be causing that potential friendship to only be experienced as something totally superficial? Among other things, it may have to do with a self-esteem and assertiveness problem
If others perceive that we do not value ourselves, they tend to imitate our behavior, because we are the best experts on ourselves. Part of the absence of people who are there to accompany us and support us may be because we send the signal that doing so is unnecessary.
For example, if we systematically renounce defending our points of view, or defending ourselves against unfair criticism, the idea we communicate is that renunciation is our way of life and that, consequently, no one should sacrifice time and effort to support us, because in the first place place neither do we.
In any case, we must be clear that although the responsibility for improving our self-esteem and assertiveness is ours, that does not mean that it is also our fault for what others do to us. In fact, it is possible that the self-esteem problem originated from the unfair behavior of others towards us and that, from there, a vicious circle of self-fulfilling prophecies was created (others take us little seriously because we anticipate that they will). will do).
