Your heart is so big that sometimes it weighs you down. It weighs on you because you want to offer your help and unconditional love to everyone, even if that means, on many occasions, forgetting about yourself. Does it sound familiar to you? So, probably, more than once you have felt tired of being the person everyone leans on.
It is normal for you to feel that way, and this feeling is very recurrent in so-called people pleasers. That is, those people who, for multiple reasons such as lack of assertiveness and limits, always put the needs of others before their own.
Is something similar happening to you? Today we will share with you some keys so that you can become your priority and set clear limits to start taking more care of yourself.
Wanting to be good with everyone will mark your sentence to being bad with you. It sounds harsh, we know, but we also know that the desire to please the entire world is neither sustainable nor viable in the end. On the contrary, you could end up hurting yourself a lot. We will share with you, then, some important keys to reduce this discomfort.
1. Cultivate assertiveness
When we talk about assertiveness we are referring to the ability to express feelings, emotions or points of view in a timely manner: at the right time, in the right tone and with the right words, ensuring that the other understands and also feels respected in the face of said expression. .
However, there are many reasons that can prevent someone from communicating assertively. From little confidence in their communication skills, low self-esteem, the need to flee from conflict or even the fear of being frowned upon or being classified as cruel when giving an opinion.
A simple way to start communicating more assertively is by communicating what you want express from your feelings, instead of from a statement. For example: “The comment you made about my work made me feel uncomfortable. I know it was not your intention, but it is important for me to tell you and I would like it not to be repeated.” There you would be practicing assertiveness and, at the same time, the skill of setting limits.
2. Work on self-esteem
The need to be the person that everyone likes is not always related to low self-esteem, but it is a variable that can influence. Once you begin the work of improving your self-perception of yourself, the desire to be liked at all costs can be greatly reduced.
When you recognize in yourself a person with unmatched values and talents, the opinions, feelings and needs of others begin to come down from the pedestal, because you understand that Yours are as valuable as anyone else’s.
An exercise: pay attention to how you speak to yourself. If you notice that many negative expressions arise from you, try to consciously change them for a virtue that you have.
3. Recognize your own needs
A healthy bond with others must begin with a healthy bond with you. Ask yourself what you need, what you want, what you aspire to and, of course, what you can never tolerate from others. For example, if you have identified that you have a clear need for rest, let that desire take precedence over the need to fulfill others. Of course, remember to communicate it assertively. It will feel strange at first, but over time you will thank yourself.
There are uncomfortable situations that many people find difficult to deal with: for example, conflict. To navigate this emotion it is important to reprogram the way we have been sold this concept. Disagreeing with someone does not mean the end of the world (or the relationship), but rather an opportunity to express our points of view, assert our opinion or establish a position from something that moves us. Not doing so, at the end of the day, generates more frustration In most cases.
5. Avoid getting ahead of others’ desires
A common characteristic of the aforementioned people pleasers is the need to anticipate the desire of others, so they end up doing more than necessary in order to feel appreciated, loved and useful to other people. If this happens excessively, the feeling that others are taking advantage of you increases, even if you are the one who -in principle- gives more than necessary.
How to learn to say no?
1. Pay attention to your fears
People who are afraid to say no are usually very afraid of being thought badly of. People who love and respect you will understand that sometimes you won’t be able to commit that in others you don’t feel like making certain plans, that you are simply putting yourself first for your own well-being.
2. Before you commit, breathe
If your problem is that you say more “yes” than you would like, try not to give immediate responses to requests, proposals and other important decisions. Take a few seconds, minutes (or however long it takes) for your body to process whether you really want to or are in a position to say “yes.”
When you do not want or can accept an invitation, proposal or challenge, try to express your response as briefly, kindly and clearly as possible. Use a firm tone, short sentences and express your refusal. Briefly explaining why you can’t accept it or do it is fine. But avoid giving excessive explanations because this could transmit insecurity.
Example: “I am very sorry that I cannot accompany you this Sunday, I have the day reserved for my family.” Or simply: “I am very sorry, but I will be busy this Sunday.”
4. Try the sandwich technique
This technique is simpler than you think. It is a feedback methodology that begins with a positive comment, continues with criticism (or denial) or closes with something positive or a proposal.
For example: “I also want to see you soon. I’m sorry that I will be busy this Sunday and won’t be able to accompany you to the movies, but I suggest we schedule it for next Thursday.”
5. Train your “no”s
It may seem crazy, but it works. You can make a list of situations in which you would like to say “no.” Try, above all, with some that are recurring. For example, work overload, family impositions or whatever is common and you generally have a hard time saying no.
Write a straight-to-the-point, friendly, and simple response. If it makes you feel comfortable, close your eyes or practice your response in front of a mirror and use it in real life when something similar happens again. Anyway, if you are tired of being the person everyone leans on, it is time to understand that saying “no” and treating yourself as your priority is also very healthy.
