How To Set Limits In Relationships To Create Stable Bonds
Boundaries are essential in any interpersonal relationship. Within the relationship, they help us feel comfortable and safe, to be ourselves, and to have our expectations and needs met. This increases our self-esteem and makes the relationship stable and healthy.
However, Many people are incapable of setting limits, and others find it terrible that other people set limits with them If you identify with either of the two parties, we encourage you to continue reading and discover why limits are so important to have a healthy relationship, and how to set and respect them.
In all the interpersonal relationships we have, whether friends, family, partners or work/study colleagues, limits are necessary for the relationship to be healthy. As soon as one of the two parties does not set limits, the stability and health of the relationship is in danger Because?
Imagine a horizontal line, and in the middle a small vertical line that cuts it perpendicularly. On each side of the line there is a person: let’s call them Carla and María. That would be the mental image of a healthy relationship: each member of the relationship is on one side of the line, both having the same amount of space, giving as well as receiving, and staying balanced thanks to the boundaries in between.
If there are no limits, there is free way to invade the other person’s space María (the one who manipulates) may even push Carla (the one who gives in) over the edge of the line and occupy the entire line. This would be the case of an unhealthy relationship. Many toxic behaviors can occur in these types of relationships.
For now, María takes advantage of the fact that Carla continually gives in to do whatever she wants. Consequently, when Carla does not give in, María loses the space that she had been occupying until that moment. She then gets angry, because she is losing something that she counted on, and she is even afraid of not being able to get it back and the fierceness with which she responds to Carla increases. Carla then fears losing the relationship and gives in again, showing that if Maria reacts badly, Carla’s boundary will easily disappear.
In this way, Carla is not free in the relationship. She does not respect what she wants, she cannot express herself freely, she is manipulated and constantly fears that if she imposes herself, she would lose the relationship with María. What Carla learns is that what she wants is worth less than other people and that in a relationship, she can only expect to give and receive nothing. Thus, Carla feels alone and burned by the relationship she has with María.
How to set limits?
Luckily, setting limits is something that can be learned. Even though we haven’t been taught since we were little, we still have time. If you are in Carla’s situation, we encourage you to follow our advice to achieve healthy and stable relationships.
1. Be clear about which ones, with whom and when
A common difficulty when setting limits is not knowing how to define which ones we want to set. It may be because you are not clear about what you need, and you no longer know how to distinguish what the other person wants and what you really want; or you may not know how to define it in words. If the boundaries are not clear, it is much easier for them to collapse.
We strongly recommend that before talking to the other person, you calmly consider what you want to achieve in the conversation and ask yourself what exactly you need in the relationship. Do it in writing, it can help you organize your ideas and by having a visual representation you can see it more clearly.
Keep in mind that not all relationships are the same nor do we behave the same with everyone, in the same way that we do not expect or need the same thing from all relationships. So take a review of all the relationships you have and ask yourself who you are most comfortable with and who you are not.
And the million dollar question: when do I know that it is necessary to set a limit? Very easy, simply when you feel bad about a person. If he has made you feel bad, it means that that person has crossed a limit that you would like to set.
2. Say no little by little
You have already seen it in the example of Carla and María: the main difficulty we have in setting limits is fear. The fear can be of multiple factors, such as change, confrontation and anger from the other person, showing ourselves vulnerable, being judged, being rejected or losing the relationship.
If you go little by little, and focus on small goals first, it will be less overwhelming and the fear will be less Even once you manage to set the first limit, it will give you the courage to keep moving forward and put more. If you want, order the list of limits from least to most difficult and work your way up in that order.
3. Be assertive
It may also happen that you don’t know how to express yourself, either to stand firm or to try to set the limit without harming the other person. To find the middle ground, practice assertiveness. For example, we recommend that you use techniques like the sandwich: say something positive about the person, then say what you really want and end with something else positive.
Also, try to criticize their actions, not the person themselves ; Try to express yourself using expressions like “My opinion is…”, “I feel this way about this…” and “I think…” instead of speaking as if they were absolute truths. To do this, avoid absolutist words like always or never.
Remember that being assertive, unfortunately, does not guarantee you getting what you want 100%, especially if the other person is not willing to have healthy communication in the relationship. Yes, we can confirm that it increases the chances of making yourself understood better, without harming anyone, at the same time that you defend what you want.
4. Assume that you are going to have a bad time
Setting limits is uncomfortable, especially at first. No matter how much you follow our guidelines, you will not be able to avoid feeling a minimum of unpleasant emotions, such as fear or guilt. Don’t let short-term emotions take control of your life, set limits and maintain them despite feeling that way. The more limits you set, the fewer unpleasant emotions these situations will cause.
We cannot say the same about the other person. It’s quite likely that people will take the limits you set on them the wrong way. Keep in mind that you are taking away something that they took for granted that they had, that they could count on. The natural reaction that this provokes is anger. Give them time to assimilate it, make your position clear and stand firm, don’t be put off by their reaction. And remember: once red is better than a hundred yellow.
5. Now don’t overdo it
Some people take refuge (in a bad way) in self-care and how important it is to set limits to manipulate others and always do what they want, with a face lift. Don’t be that person, please don’t become Mary.
The key is to keep in mind that relationships have to be balanced: you have to give the same as you receive. This also encompasses giving in and setting limits. When setting limits, keep this in mind and make sure that both parties feel comfortable and safe together, enough to be able to express themselves and act freely with each other.
