Couple Conflicts

Our interpersonal relationships are influenced by our past and present experiences. Consequently, we perceive new events in the same way as old ones: if I have failed in most of my relationships, if I have become attached to my partners, canceling me out as a person, if I have constant conflicts in my relationship… in these cases, when faced with a similar situation, the same fears as the previous times will appear again.

There are different variables that affect us both in choosing a partner and in coping with the problems that arise from it.

Sometimes, this information that determines the relationships a person may have and the way they deal with conflicts goes completely unnoticed. The first step in being able to effectively resolve a conflict situation is to Know each factor and realize to what extent it can influence the relationship Knowledge is the first step to change and conflict resolution.

Felix Lopez Sanchez tells us about the components of a loving relationship

Desire:

It is perceived as the need to seek sexual satisfaction, sexual fantasies, desire to hug and caress, desire to be hugged and caressed…

Attraction:

Attraction involves desire but basically oriented towards the object of desire. It implies that some specific person or stimulus (real or fantasized) has “erotic value”

Infatuation:

It is the sum of desire and attraction. Although falling in love is experienced and felt as a unique and individual experience, it is expressed in perceptions, feelings, fantasies and behaviors, which are often very similar in different people in love, even though there are also great individual differences.

Among other variables that influence couple relationships, it is necessary to talk about self-image or, in other words, the concept we have of ourselves:

When a person cannot support themselves, they may look for the other to support them, thus using them as the only point of support in their life. Without it it would fall, therefore, it needs it for its daily “survival”, generating then pathological or addictive relationships

Likewise, if our self-image is low, our ability to initiate relationships is diminished, causing us fear and insecurity With respect to couple relationships that are already consolidated but may have conflicts in communication, leisure, passion…, self-image is also related in the sense that if we do not see ourselves as acceptable as people, we will hardly be able to add strength to our relationship.

The importance of ATTACHMENT

Shaver and Hazan (1987) They consider that “the loving process can be understood from the attachment patterns that are formed in childhood and maintained throughout the life cycle.”

Attachment history and style are related to the love experience that adults have in this sense: more positive love experience in the case of people who have a more positive attachment history and more secure attachment style.

Attachment is a relatively stable relational pattern that ends up forming into one of these 3 fundamental types:

• SECURE ATTACHMENT : is associated with trusting and positive relationships. With more prior autonomy, better partner selection, more realistic and favorable ideas about love, easier intimacy and commitment, more satisfaction in the bond, better breakup.
• ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT: It is associated with dependent relationships and a continued need for confirmation that one is loved, difficulties with autonomy, hasty search and selection, fear of not being loved, fear of loss and frequent jealousy, contradictory ideas about love, difficulty breaking up.
• AVOIDENT ATTACHMENT: It is associated with distrustful and distant relationships. With pseudo emotional autonomy, fear of intimacy, difficulty establishing relationships, relationships with little intimacy, difficulty in emotional expressions, pessimistic ideas about love, apparent easy breakup, camouflaged insecurity.

They appear when In both members there are two motivations for opposite character but of equal intensity They are the basis of misunderstandings in the couple’s relationship and are by far the cause of dissatisfaction, frustration and weakening and even loss of the couple if they are not well resolved.

There are some areas of conflict that appear more constantly, such as the division of household chores, which cause arguments and unpleasant situations but generally do not lead to a breakup.

There are other sources of conflict that are based on deeper aspects of the couple and it is these that can generate more serious problems. These derive from disagreement in the way intimacy, the degree of commitment and passion are perceived.

Maintaining satisfaction in the relationship requires great effort from both parties as well as the use of certain skills that help its proper functioning (communication, respect, complicity, passion…).

It is almost unnecessary to mention that Good communication is the basis of a satisfactory relationship. Communication is not always verbal since the couple also looks at each other, touches each other, smiles (non-verbal communication).

In a situation in which we want to communicate something, the way or form of issuing it, how the other receives it and the content of this message are fundamental. Thus, we find different ways of communicating and some of them They are not exactly positive

“The coercion ”: it is a way of communication where only our own needs are taken into account, making the other’s life very difficult in the sense that their needs are not taken into account and trying to achieve the submission or annulment of the other.

This is because the member of the couple who gives in does so not because he or she believes that the other is right but to avoid discussion and threats. In conclusion: to escape from a conflict.

“Negative emotional responses”: “are those words, gestures, actions, etc., that are experienced as unpleasant: shouting, threats, humiliation, sarcasm… and that on numerous occasions is what fundamentally keeps a couple together.”

Between the positive ways or ways of communicating we meet according Liberman:

• Verbal expressions: compliments, flattery, affectionate words, compliments…
• Affectionate behaviors: caressing, holding hands, rubbing the cheek…
• Actions that make life easier or more pleasant for your partner: try not to make noise to wake them up, prepare a meal that they like, give a gift…

One of the most frequent conflicts in relationships is different perspective of both members to organize their free time and social activities

It could be that both of them have gotten carried away the daily routine, overwhelmed by their respective jobs and daily chores and who have forgotten how to have fun. Or because each person seeks their own fun independently of their partner and/or the other way around: they spend their lives together and do not interact with anyone else. It also often happens in young couples that when they have a child, the point of view on how to organize social activities is different, since one member of the couple may want to focus solely on caring for the child (leaving the social area aside) and The other requires trying to plan time for the couple.

Be that as it may, the person as an independent individual has his or her own needs and it is difficult to adapt them and combine them with your partner. For example: if I have the need to stay home on weekends because I really feel like it and I enjoy it, this does not cause me any problems, in fact, it makes me happy. But as an independent person. Now, if I maintain a relationship where the other needs and enjoys going out on weekends and I don’t feel like it, a conflict of interest appears.

The way to resolve this conflict and the importance or relevance that the couple gives it will depend on the emotional resources, communication, empathy …of each of the members

The ideas that each member of the couple has in reference to their life together to their coexistence, to their future prospects…sometimes they are a point of conflict since it may happen that the 2 members of the couple do not see it in the same way.

However, all of this refers to the ideas that each member has about what their relationship should be for it to be totally satisfactory. “what should be and what actually is” , being a source of numerous conflicts in the case in which the members do not perceive it in the same way. We will refer above all to how each member of the couple can interpret the problems that occur to them.

The interpretations of these motifs are what we call attributions When your partner, for example, does not clear the table after eating, you may think that: he is selfish who always thinks of himself and never takes you into account…….If you change this approach and think that it is not that It may not be selfishness but that at home no one taught him and it is really a lack of “learning”…., the reaction one has towards the other is completely different.

In a relationship, not only its internal factors influence it (communication skills, future expectations, commitment…), there are also external factors that directly influence it: work and personal stress of each of the members, routine, problems related to the environment such as family and friends…
In these moments where the relationship could be lower on an emotional level, due to this series of external and internal conflicts of the couple themselves, it is when the couple is most vulnerable (more likely for negative things to happen ).

It is this vulnerability that can trigger another person in the relationship to enter and then infidelity appears.

The pathological jealousy They are accompanied by intense feelings of insecurity, self-pity, hostility and depression and are often destructive to the relationship.

In the case of jealousy there is a lot to do with self-esteem. If I see myself strong and confident and I have high self-esteem, I will not depend on my partner to always be with me to feel good Since I support myself, I am full of many other things, however, if my relationship is low, I feel insecure and the only way to fill myself with security is for my partner to be only with me, I will choose to pressure them and depend of this exclusivity to feel full.

Jealousy They are based on irrational beliefs: If I think “my partner can never leave me because he knows that if he does, it will cause me a lot of pain, which is why he would be a bad person,” I am using irrational thinking.

In a relationship situation, a conflict (problem) can occur, causing the members of the couple to make 2 decisions: or work together to solve it or break the relationship (sometimes it is only one member of the couple who makes the decision to leave).

But it may happen that one of the members of the couple chooses to deny the evidence of this conflict, or constantly blames themselves every time there is a problem. If this situation of self-blame is perpetuated, then an inequality of roles occurs in the relationship, where one has more power than the other. The one who has less power remains hooked on the other, producing an addictive relationship since the latter “needs the other” in an unhealthy way and is capable of canceling himself and denying evidence just by being with him.

The end result is that the personality of the dependent is canceled out in that of the dominant, who may or may not be aware of what he is doing.

Among the dependent relationships we find:

1. LOVE ADDICTION: Pia Mellody tells us about this disease that consists of those affected assigning a disproportionate amount of time to their relationship and a value above themselves to the person to whom they are addicted, sometimes even obsessively. They maintain unrealistic expectations regarding the positive and unconditional regard of the person they are attached to. They neglect and undervalue themselves while they are in the relationship.
2. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE: Jorge Castello defines it as “a pattern of unsatisfied emotional needs since childhood, and that now as adults, we seek to satisfy through the search for very close interpersonal relationships.” It is a maladaptive disorder that only occurs with the subject on whom one depends, which is why it is less generalized than the previous one, although no less serious.
3. CODEPENDENCY: Sirvent, defines it as the special relationship established between a person who lives with a drug addict (usually an alcoholic but it can also be other drugs). These people overprotect and justify all the addict’s behaviors, no matter how aberrant they may be.
4. BIDEPENDENCY: According to Mª Cruz Ribas Reguero is “the set of attitudes, behaviors and affects that affect a person who is dependent on a drug and another person at the same time.

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to couple conflicts we recommend that you enter our Couples Therapy category.