The 5 Protective Strategies Typical Of People With Avoidant Attachment
Protective strategies are ways of reacting or coping with situations that are difficult for us to bear ; They are at the service of repressing an event or sensation.
It is a basic need of every human being not to be constantly confronted with all the pain in the world, or in life itself. That is why we apply certain strategies that allow us not to see, not to feel or, on the contrary, to feel control, calm anxiety, etc.
Protective strategies allow us to be functional on a daily basis; however, We can reach a point where we “overdo it” and act in a protective mode even though there is no real threat
What type of protective strategies a person uses depends on patterns learned in childhood and their tendency toward more anxious or avoidant attachment. That is, the concrete experiences they lived and the related beliefs.
People with an avoidant attachment tend to demarcate and fight for their space. For them it is important to have autonomy and be able to make their own decisions. They do not like to create commitments but they want to direct and maintain their own style. They find it difficult to trust others and delegate activities, and they feel safer when they take charge themselves.
Subconsciously, they are worried and uncomfortable that in a relationship (as a couple, for example), they lose their autonomy and freedom. They feel safer when they are alone and can decide and act in their own way. That doesn’t mean they always want to be alone or prefer not to be in a relationship; People with an avoidant attachment often start a relationship with the desire to have a long-term partner, but after a short time they feel uncomfortable and because of their own schemas and fears. They interpret the couple as very invasive and intense and again they distance themselves.
These patterns of distancing and struggle for autonomy, according to attachment theory, develop in childhood and often arise because precisely at that stage those people were not respected. That is, the child had to take on too many responsibilities for her age, or her space was constantly invaded. For example, it happens a lot with someone who took care of her younger siblings from a young age or who had the “mission” to make mom happy or dad proud.
Avoidant attachment commonly arises in girls and boys who From a young age they learned that relationships involve sacrifices in their own autonomy and who were not allowed to set limits. That is why in their adult lives they suffer anxiety when being in a relationship, because in their experience relationships are invasive, and as adults they come to perceive small demands or requests from their partner as criticisms and serious invasions of their own space, which trigger the fear of losing one’s autonomy.
This tendency can also develop in people who suffered many humiliations and criticisms in their childhood, and assimilated an inferiority that they need to compensate for in adult life.
Protective strategies for avoidant attachment
These are the main protective strategies associated with this type of attachment.
1. Power struggle to maintain control
We all need a minimal sense of control and power over our lives, and also in relationships with others. Having the ability to set limits and assert oneself in certain contexts, also in the relationship, is vital and significant for our mental health.
However, there are people who seek to constantly maintain themselves in the position of power and control because they unconsciously they see others as potential invaders and threats to their freedom In this sense, they seek to protect themselves in ways that give them a feeling of superiority and control. In front of others, this is expressed, for example, by not making commitments and always seeking to ensure that things are carried out in their own way.
This is how the power struggle arises for a high level of self-discipline, daily routines that cannot vary and an inner judge or controller who supervises that everything in your life is kept in order (your body, your home, your children’s education, etc.). ). That is to say, here there is also a tendency to perfectionism, but not as in anxious, to please and avoid criticism, but more in a sense of keeping everything under control and in accordance with one’s own convictions.
2. Deny or “create a wall”
These people always seek to be right in discussions; Communication or agreements between everyone do not matter, but that the avoidant is correct To do this, they tend to filter the information (only listen to what is convenient for them), simply deny what the other says (answers like: “It’s not like that.”, “You’re wrong there, you’re wrong.”) in such a way that the conversation it simply does not advance unless the other submerges into the avoidant stance.
In extreme cases it can be the famous “Gaslighting”, where the other person hits a wall and is confused because it is not listened to, but ridiculed or denied in its position and in its feelings.
Walls can also be created passive-aggressively, for example by denial through sabotage. When the avoidant says that he is going to attend an event and then “falls asleep,” or “completely forgot.” Or when an agreement is reached that is then not fulfilled and finally after multiple conversations and agreements, things remain the same.
Behind these very drastic reactions, the avoidant often hides the fear of having to meet expectations and that others may control their life if they do not create this solid wall that protects their autonomy.
3. Attack and sue
The opposite of the struggle for harmony of anxious attachment is active resistance When a fly is constantly turned into an elephant and the person is always and above all on the defensive, because everything is interpreted as a personal attack.
Deep down there is often a feeling of inferiority and fear of the other, who is perceived as an oppressor. It is noticed in people who easily feel offended and react impulsively and out of anger.
Another related strategy is constant demand and demand, which arises from the fear of being left behind with one’s own needs. When the avoidant perceives everything under the principle of “the law of the jungle”, where the strongest (and the one who shouts and demands the loudest) survives. He developed this posture in his childhood, when he felt that others were stronger and he/she was left with his/her needs always behind. Therefore, in adult life he thinks that he must fight for himself all the time. To a certain extent it is a very useful and important position, but it can go to the extreme, where the person thinks that he will always and in everything lose if he does not forcefully demand what he wants.
4. Rationalize and intellectualize
He who does not feel, cannot suffer. Rationalization is the confrontation of all conflict, focusing solely on logical argumentation Above all, it blocks weak feelings such as fear and sadness, finding a logical explanation or justification for everything that is done. It sounds, as the name itself says, rational and appropriate, but it turns out that many of our actions and reactions are not so logical, but arise precisely from these “weak” feelings such as fear, guilt or shame.
Justifications or rational explanations of the situation cover these feelings and with it our vulnerability. If I say that I acted out of fear, guilt or because I feel sad, they can attack me, know my weaknesses and I lose control over the situation. While an intellectual analysis of the situation puts me in an external position of observer, not responsible and not questionable. But this posture also creates a wall that does not allow access to the emotions and wounds that may be deep down and ultimately sabotage a real understanding or connection to the situation, as well as the acceptance of one’s own responsibility in an issue.
People who speak badly of or to others and constantly have the need to put others down. Bullying or mobbing is ultimately a protective strategy that seeks ensure a position of superiority in the perpetrator This strategy may be related to experiences of humiliation in childhood and often arises in people who really have inferiority complexes. For example, the child who is humiliated at home by her parents or siblings, looks at school for a victim to humiliate that will allow him to recover her ego.
It happens to all of us that we feel less than others in X situations (the other is more beautiful, intelligent, efficient, etc.). As a natural reaction, we like to look for weaknesses and shortcomings in these people that give us a feeling of inferiority, which is where gossip, jokes and ridicule come from. It is a form of self-protection and compensation that has developed stronger in some people, precisely because the fear of being discovered in their “inferiority” compared to others is perceived as a very strong and constant danger. In response to this fear, they direct the focus of attention towards other people and their mistakes and shortcomings.
Conclusion
The key is to strengthen self-knowledge and learn more about our childhood schemas and protective strategies You may identify with one or another of these strategies; or maybe you have realized that your partner or a family member is applying them.
As always, I want to point out that it is not a black and white dynamic, but there are many shades of gray. For more information on this topic, I invite you to review the other articles I wrote about “7 typical protective strategies of people with anxious attachment”, “Types of attachment and protective strategies in the relationship” and “What is the wounded child ”.
