5 Steps To Set Limits In A Fair And Responsible Way
Difficulties when setting limits or even lack of knowledge about personal limits is a topic that I come across many times in my professional practice.
However, it is inevitable that you will go through this unpleasant situation of having to say “no” at some point with your partner, your children, at work or with friends.
Your personal limits are the basis of your mental health, since Feeling that your limits are respected gives you a sense of security It is important that you can be sure that no one is going to force you to do or feel things that you do not want, just as it is important that you feel safe in your own home, where no one can enter without asking permission. In turn, you would never enter anyone’s house (even if they are very trustworthy) without first knocking on the door and asking permission.
Personal limits are like the door that protects us and allows us to choose what or who we let through, and just as you have your own limits, it is part of your responsibility to respect the limits of others and accept the “no” of the other as well. .
A limit can be something as simple as you don’t want to fill out a survey while you’re shopping at the supermarket, you don’t want to listen to a sales call being made to your personal phone, because you have the right to direct your time; and It is important to make use of this right to maintain autonomy and control over your own life
Apart from the justice that one does to oneself when setting limits, it is also fairer to others to be honest and admit when you really don’t want to, can’t or don’t know how to do something. It doesn’t help anyone to commit to tasks that then end badly. In fact, People who know how to set limits honestly are considered more trustworthy
Personal limits vary for each person, and it is important that you identify them according to your personality and through your life experience.
There are very obvious limits that are explicitly assured from our rights as humans. The right to dignified treatment, free of insults, contempt or violence, for example.
However, there are other limits that They depend more on the situation and your individuality Limits that are practically what mark your personal space, in an emotional, physical, social, spiritual, and work sense.
Types of limits
Your emotional limits are the own emotions that you experience at a certain moment, which you do not need to justify but they are what they are at the moment they arise.
Physical limits refer to your right to your own space and whether or not to consent to the contact and closeness that you want to allow to other people. For example, children who do not want to give a kiss to greet an untrustworthy family member set a limit and it is important that it be respected.
Social boundaries define our right to choose our own friends, hobbies and leisure activities.
Spiritual limits define your right to your own spiritual or religious life and not have beliefs imposed on you with which you do not identify.
How can we identify what our personal limits are?
Sometimes it is not so obvious that your personal boundaries have not been respected Many people are not very connected with their own limits and tastes, since for a long time they were too oriented towards the needs of others and seek to please indifferently (out of education or as a protective mechanism). This has the effect that they continue to fill a bottomless trunk, by not taking care of themselves and constantly depending on the approval of others.
In this sense, There are some aspects to take into account to identify personal limits:
Why is it so difficult for us to set limits?
If setting limits contributes so much to our well-being… Why is it so difficult for us?
Obviously the limit implies a “no”, and the “no” means that someone may feel disappointed or that you may look bad, which many people find very difficult to tolerate. We think that when another person is angry or resentful toward us, it must be because we have done something wrong, although that is not necessarily the case.
May your limits be respected, unfortunately, It still depends a lot on ethnic, economic, gender and cultural factors For example, it is socially more accepted for a man to set a limit than for a woman to do so, who is still expected to be “the good one” who pleases her. In individualistic cultures like North America, it is very common and respected to set limits, in exchange for more collectivist cultures, like South America, where the good of the group always comes before the good of the individual. Your misgivings or difficulty setting limits may be linked to these conditions.
How to overcome the fear of setting limits
The interesting thing is that, in most cases, the other person understands you and appreciates your honesty and it is important to practice it to make this experience. You have to see boundaries more as an important guide for your social relationships.
As soon as your friend, partner, family member or colleague is someone who respects your limits and who sets their own limits, you have a person to trust, someone who does not depend on you and who takes charge of their own well-being. People who easily resent your limits They can use blame as a form of manipulation
That is why it is so important to know one’s own limits and know why I choose “no” in one situation or another, so that one can communicate with authenticity and coherence.
5 steps to set limits
Keep these guidelines in mind.
1. Know your personal limits
Think about your current life, think about each area (partner, children, family, friends, work, spirituality, hobbies). Use the reflection questions previously shared in this article and detect situations where your limits were not respected or, on the contrary, where you were very clear in communicating them. If that is difficult for you, it is time to train your senses to learn more about what you really want.
3. Talk about yourself
When you have identified a specific situation and you know that it is time to talk and communicate your limit, follow the following rules: Talk only about yourself, avoid resentments or accusations Share with the other person what you see and what you feel about it.
For example, with your partner: “I see that you are excited that we spent this holiday with your family, at the same time I feel confused because you didn’t ask me if I wanted to go too.”
3. Talk about what you ask for
If you stick to simply expressing your feelings, it’s like voting the other person dead. It is important state clearly what you expect what you ask for or what alternatives you propose.
For example: “It’s okay that we go, but next time I want you to ask me first. For me it is important to feel that you care about my opinion and that we decide together.”
4. Be aware of what negative feelings may follow
Even though you communicate your point of view as clearly as possible and use the most appropriate words to set a limit, there is a possibility that the other person will resent, become sad, or even reject your proposal and perhaps you will feel guilty.
Anyway, keep in mind that You are always fairer by being honest In the long term, avoiding “no” so as not to be disliked or make someone else feel bad aggravates the situation, because you will not be able to endure an uncomfortable situation forever.
5. Be consistent and be clear about what will happen if your limits are not respected
As soon as you are sure about your limit and you have communicated it clearly, the fairest thing is to be constant and not fall back into old patterns as is very common and despite the fact that they talked about it, the same thing continues to happen.
Example: You asked your partner for time apart and no contact after a crisis situation, yet he or she keeps calling you and insisting that you see each other.
When you give in, even if you don’t want to, not only will you be more confused, but he/she too. Although it is lazy and uncomfortable to repeat “no” and thus be even more sharp, if you know what you want, it is still fairer with everyone by being consistent.
In case your limits are simply not respected, it is very important that you think of a consequence.
