Many people associate the concept of limits simply with being able to say no Over time, for others it has acquired a meaning associated with rudeness or selfishness.
The truth is that in any type of human relationship and fruitful life experience, good negotiation between the parties is usually a fundamental element. Contrary to what one might think, Setting boundaries actually allows you to shape a relationship rather than limit it
According to Salvador Minuchin’s family structural theory, there are a series of aspects that determine the way in which the different types of human relationships are articulated. Among the above are the distribution of hierarchies, alliances or coalitions, triangles, and of course, limits. According to the author, there are at least 3 types of structures if we base ourselves only on their analysis.
The first type are the so-called “disconnected relationships.” These are defined by having excessively rigid and poorly permeable boundaries between their members, so there are few interactive elements that define them and an excessive defense of the independence of each member. In them it is difficult to find elements that define the relationship as a common project.
The second form is defined as “agglutinated relationships” They are characterized by having particularly permeable limits, so their members find it difficult to manifest aspects that individualize them greatly in comparison to others or elements of differentiation: these are usually associated (as mentioned above) with selfishness or guilt. According to my experience in consultation, due to certain cultural elements, many families and couples in Latin America meet under these types of limits.
Finally, Minuchin recognizes a third type of functioning, which is known as relationships “with clear boundaries” These are differentiated by having minimum agreements for the functioning of the relationship negotiated in an appropriate manner, the possibility of harmoniously complementing common and personal projects or visions, as well as a nourishing acceptance and resolution of conflicts.
Balance is key
A metaphor can help understand what has been explained so far. If we imagine the constitution of human experience and interpersonal relationships as the construction of different homes, we can establish that it is necessary for them to have walls, windows or a roof.
A home is not a safe or useful space if, without clear boundaries, anyone can enter at all times. A house from which it is impossible or very difficult to get in and out, or allow guests to enter, is also not very useful.
As can be seen, the negotiation and establishment of limits is a very complex aspect, but its correct resolution can also lead to more flexible and free life experiences in our social interactions. Clear boundaries allow you to build relationships in which joint enjoyment in interaction and the development of individual meanings of life can coexist in an excellent way It might seem that this occurs only at the level of interpersonal space, but it also radically impacts the most individual level of our way of living.
For a person who develops the ability to negotiate clear limits with others, it is likely that it will also be easier and more beneficial to recognize their own ways of seeing things, emotions, actions and, ultimately, their own emotional and developmental needs. The above, in simple terms, occurs since having clarity of where one person’s perspectives and ways of seeing end and where those of the other begin, it is more likely to be able to recognize what is one’s own
All this undoubtedly favors clearer and more fruitful communication modalities. If we are able to recognize what we think, what we feel, how we act and what we need, etc. in a differentiated way from the perspective of others (through the establishment of the aforementioned clear limits), it is more likely that we will know what to ask for, what accept and what not, what to ask and what we are willing to answer, without the above necessarily straining our loyalties with the person or people in charge.
In short, establishing limits is an act of deep respect and is psychologically desirable, since it allows us to respect each other and meet each other as different people.
