Love Bombing: What It Is, Phases And Characteristics Of This Form Of Manipulation
Love is something that we all want in our lives. We not only talk about the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, but also that of a family member or a friend, since it is a feeling that we can express to anyone, going beyond the merely romantic and sexual.
However, sometimes love can be the perfect camouflage for toxic behaviors that trap us in a dynamic that causes us to sacrifice our other relationships by prioritizing just one.
One of these unhealthy strategies is love bombing, a form of bonding typical of psychological abuse relationships present both in toxic social relationships and in sects.
Love is a very strong emotion, sometimes so strong that it even becomes blinding and prevents us from identifying certain behaviors that, although initially beautiful, turn into manipulation, control and submission, behaviors that are certainly toxic, no matter how disguised they are. of devotion, friendship or romanticism that may exist. And this is what love bombing is all about.
But let’s get to the point: what is love bombing? Although the name of this practice is not well known, it is certainly very present, both in family relationships, with friends and as a couple. Sadly, toxic behaviors in social relationships are not something strange and all of us can be victims (or perpetrators) of these practices.
The term “love bombing” was first coined in the 1970s by members of the Unification Church to refer to the fact that its members were always smiling Ironically, it was popularized years later by several intellectuals, including the anthropologist Geri-Ann Galanti and the psychologist Margaret Singer to describe the manipulation strategies used by coercive sects to attract new followers by going after the weakest part of the individual, her low self-esteem, and feeding her with praise and nice words so that she feels bad for leaving the cult.
With the passage of time the expression was also transferred to the field of the most mundane interpersonal relationships among them those of partners and friends since coercive behavior can also occur in them.
In this case, love bombing is a manipulation strategy which consists of showing attention and affection very insistently, using praise, approval, details and even gifts as soon as you meet. The intention behind it is not different from that of sects: to conquer the person by gaining their trust
How does it develop?
To understand love bombing it is necessary to understand something that many of us do not take into account about social relationships. Our behavior is, to a large extent, controlled by the consequences it has on the environment and, of course, this also applies to our social environment.
If after behaving in a way we see that this gives us social and emotional benefits, such as words of encouragement or hugs, we will most likely continue doing this behavior. In other words, When the consequences of our behavior are appetitive or pleasant, they are more likely to function as reinforcers making the behavior that caused them repeat with greater probability.
And what does this have to do with love? Well, the truth is very much, both good and bad. Let’s imagine that we have just met someone and this person begins to bombard us with love, whether as a couple or as a friend. The person begins to throw all kinds of nice words, compliments and even gives us gifts, gifts even though we have not done anything significant to deserve it Whatever we do and whatever we say, we receive some kind of reward. We are victims of a seemingly sweet and pleasant bombardment.
Since it is pleasant to be with this person, we begin to dedicate more time to him. We all want to be treated well and if someone like that behaves towards us we will start to prioritize them. By dedicating more time to that person we subtract the time we had for others and, as time goes by, we will begin to enter a dynamic in which, seeking the emotional reward and recognition that it gives us, we will be more separated from our other loved ones. .
It may be gradual or it may happen all at once, but the truth is that the love bombing is going to stop at some point. The person who at the beginning of the relationship “rewarded” us with pleasant compliments for every word and every gesture he made now limits himself to responding with a brief “okay.” or, not even that, simply giving us a cold and distant silence.
The logical thing would be to think that, at this point, there will be an extinction of our behavior. If before we behaved because that person rewarded us with his nice words, now that he no longer does it, we are going to reduce those behaviors that always had a reward. The reinforcer, which was neither more nor less than nice words, is no longer there and, with it, the rewarded behavior would have to be reduced. But love doesn’t work like that.
Just like an addict to his drug, this will produce “cravings” in us, a desire for him to give us his love again. Instead of stopping talking to that person or moving away a little, it is likely that what we do is try by all means to get them to reward us. We will begin to interact more and more, dedicating even more time and spending more energy to make him pay us a little attention We talk to him more, we pay more attention to him and we try to do everything we can to make him comfortable. We want him to tell us again “you are special”, “I love you” or “you are the best” like he used to do before.
If right at this moment the other person rewards us again with a compliment or a nice word, what they will have achieved is reinforcing a very high rate of behavior. It will generate a certain insecurity in us and, as long as this does not happen again, what the person will achieve is that we will be interacting with them all the time at the expense, of course, of interacting with others. He has achieved it, he has us completely under control. We are yours.
The example we just saw is a prototypical case of love bombing. In it we can see the first two phases of this phenomenon (idealization and disapproval). We can truly say that love bombing can be divided into three phases.
1. Idealization of the relationship
In this first stage everything seems to be idyllic, making the victim think that they have met someone perfect, someone who knows how to value everything they do, no matter how unimportant it may be. The relationship flows and is easy. Everything is too good to be true, but he likes to believe it, and this naivety is a risk for him to fall into the “love bomber” trap.
2. Disapproval and punishment
Once the dynamics are established The manipulator begins to resort to another technique in case his victim promptly deviates from the behavior that the manipulator desires If the victim meets up with her friends, sees other people or shows some autonomous behavior, a small glimpse of freedom, the love bomber begins to appear upset. This is where love transforms into control and the phase of disapproval and punishment begins.
The manipulator is responsible for showing his victim what behaviors he does not like and induces him to feel guilty. He can say victimizing phrases such as “with everything I am doing for you and you go and do this to me” and other toxic pearls or, simply, silence as we have mentioned in the extensive example.
The manipulated person, already addicted to the “love” of his emotional jailer, feels this display of disdain and disapproval as something very painful, you feel a lot of guilt because you really believe you have done something wrong, even though rationally that is not the case. This is why the manipulated person rectifies and, once he does so, the manipulator rewards him by returning the affection.
3. Exhaustion and discard
For better or worse, it is common that, after some time has passed, a third stage appears: exhaustion. In this The manipulated person can free himself from this toxic dynamic or, on the contrary, fall back into a loop formed by the other two phases. It all depends on whether you allow yourself to be cajoled again by the manipulator, who will use both the techniques of the first phase, such as extreme flattery, and the second, using emotional blackmail.
How to detect and break this dynamic in personal relationships
Breaking a love bombing dynamic is not easy because the victim may feel very bad by saying or doing things that may upset the “lovebomber.” Everyone likes to be told “you are incredible, you are the best” or “you are great and perfect”, we all like it when someone seems to appreciate and love everything we do, but in case we become addicted to that person we give them a very great power over our lives, even running the risk that our self-esteem depends exclusively on what he or she tells us.
As we have mentioned, this strategy is quite common, but This does not mean that the majority of people who do this do so by plotting a refined and evil plan to control the will of others There are people who, without wanting to and without being aware of it, are very toxic and they do it because it is the way they have learned to relate and they have seen that they are good at it. For them, love means extreme idolatry, and if someone doesn’t pay attention to them, they can interpret it as not loving them anymore, they get angry and hyperpolarized, in the sense that everything is black or white: either you idolize me or don’t talk to me.
On the other hand, we have the fact that Although we do not live in a perfect society, we should not distrust everyone There are people who, luckily, flatter their loved ones without ulterior motives or manipulations. If we have a friend, a boyfriend or a family member who is very attentive, affectionate and kind, who flatters us without asking us for anything in return, we should be grateful because we have in him a treasure of a person.
Taking this into account, we may find it a bit difficult to differentiate people with genuinely good feelings from those toxic beings that we should unfortunately keep away from our circle. It is not easy, especially at the beginning of the relationship since we would find ourselves in the idealization phase of the relationship. In fact, if it were easy to identify a person who is love bombing us, toxicity in human relationships would not be so common. It’s easy to confuse the love bombing of a manipulative person with the details and flattery of a genuinely nice person
However, there are some aspects of the love bomber that can serve as a warning signal and keep us cautious. Among them is the exaggerated presence of praise, gifts, details and undeserved attention, which can imply a level of commitment that is too high compared to the time we have known that person.
Since these are frequent, exaggerated and sudden compliments and gifts, it is not difficult for the victim to feel that they owe you something, who can’t say no to someone who is behaving so generously. This is why we must not lose our way. If we have been with that person for a very short time, it makes no sense for them to be so giving. Although being guided by the principle “think wrong and you will be right” is a bit sad, in these cases it is better to avoid risking falling into such a toxic dynamic.
As a final recommendation, it is best to have a group of varied friends, friends who, if they see that we are moving away because our boyfriend, another friend or even a family member is asking us, can give us a touch of attention. If they are a critical group they will make us value our freedom and individuality. Good friends are those who are there through thick and thin, but also those who make us see our mistakes and who value us for what we do really well. Sincerity and growth are better than lies and submission.
