Hate Between Mother-in-law And Daughter-in-law: What To Do To Manage It?

When we mention the word “mother-in-law” there are many negative stereotypes that come to mind. We imagine an older woman, specifically a woman who feels a great need to interfere in the affairs of her son and her partner.

It is true that this stereotypical image does not always have to be fulfilled but, let’s be honest, the relationship between most daughters-in-law and their mothers-in-law is not usually that of a deep friendship. It is not surprising since they are two women who are not friends or blood family, but rather people who have in common that they love the same man.

Although it is a long time since those times when our husband’s mother could compete in a broomstick flying contest, today there are many cases of profound hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law Below we will discover the reasons for this very common scuffle and we will see a couple of tips to de-escalate the situation.

Hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: where can it come from?

Many times, when we hear the word “mother-in-law” we cannot help but imagine a stereotypical vision of a female figure well into her years. Although we have had one in our lives, the media, our loved ones and popular culture itself They have instilled in us an image of the mother-in-law as an unpleasant person We may imagine her as the typical neighborhood maruja or as a well-dressed and somewhat posh lady, but her appearance does not matter, we imagine the figure of the mother-in-law as someone who, if we have her, will not have any qualms. in telling us how bad we are doing.

Although there are many jokes about mothers-in-law and they are often the butt of jokes, it is worth saying that the idea we have of them is still just that, an idea. We are aware that not all of them are like that and that what they have sold to us as authentic witches are nothing more than clichés and stereotypes like those we have of any individual. However, despite knowing all this, there are many women who, upon meeting the mother of their boyfriend or husband, discover someone who, more than a support, will become an obstacle.

Yes ok hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not widespread Although, as a general rule, there is a more or less pleasant relationship, it can be said that generally the relationship between them does not become as deep as that of a friendship. According to research carried out by Dr. Terri Apter, a psychologist specialized in family dynamics and relationships, about 60% of women see their partner’s mother as a hostile figure, difficult to relate to. On the other hand, 55% of mothers-in-law feel uncomfortable with their child’s partner.

Of course, the statistics confirm that the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is difficult, tense and may get worse, even coming to blows. However, these statistics simply confirm that there is a bad relationship, but not the reason for it. It is ironic that two people who want the best for the one they love, the child-husband, can come to hate each other so much. What makes this happen?

Why do they get along badly?

Although naturally not all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have a bad relationship, it is true that Their interactions can be some of the most tense Despite sharing wanting the best for the same man, the son of the mother-in-law and the boyfriend or husband of the daughter-in-law, this bond of love towards this person can become the reason for the bitterest hatred between these two women. When explaining why this happens, it is necessary to clarify that here we are going to talk about heterosexual relationships and the women involved. Talking about the relationship between father-in-law and son-in-law is different, although it also tends to be somewhat tense.

The main reason for the disagreements between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law is how the mother-in-law, that woman who has been taking care of her son for more than 20 years, whom she continues to see as her little man, is going to be replaced by another younger woman. . She feels displaced, often not being able to avoid the fact that her “useful life” has ended, that she is nothing more than an old woman who must make way for another woman who will be able to compensate for her son. This is something that, despite being part of life, does not tend to be very well accepted at first.

Related to this same reason, the mother-in-law cannot help but try to reintroduce herself into the life of her son and his partner. She needs to see how things are being done, whether the woman who has entered his son’s life is up to the task This is where the snooping behavior begins, the interference and the verification of how well and, above all, how badly that girl who does not trust anything is doing it. This in itself would not necessarily have to be a source of conflict, since if the daughter-in-law did everything well or did not give it importance, she would end up seeing the concern of her partner’s mother as something logical.

The problem is that in most cases this does not happen. Both women interpret the other’s presence as an invasion of their territory On the one hand we have the mother, who sees in her daughter-in-law a woman who is displacing her, her substitute, or someone who is going to take away her beloved son. On the other hand, we have the couple who sees her mother-in-law as an unpleasant interloper rather than simply a worried woman, a nuisance who has come here to hinder the relationship, to sabotage her happiness and that of her son. .

These thoughts, which in most cases are unfounded and a product of the bad idea we have of mothers-in-law in our culture, are a very bad start. Both become tense, ready to attack, prepared for what the other party says. A simple comment about whether the dishes are not completely clean or that one way of cooking is better than the other can be interpreted as the deepest of offenses. We should not think that this is part of the “female mentality” or anything like that but rather the culture and the situation itself awaken this type of behavior in these two people.

Another reason why this tension arises is the idea that the mother-in-law had of who was going to be her future daughter-in-law. Every father who loves his son wants her to come out with the best. On more than one occasion, mothers imagine the perfect woman, the one she really wants for her son (who is not the one who can make her son happy). Upon meeting her son’s new partner and seeing how she does not meet her expectations, she cannot help but be disappointed and even exaggerate her defects or try to change her. Trying to “improve” your son’s girlfriend is perceived as a personal attack by both the girlfriend and the son.

However, sooner or later you will have to accept that your son is dating this woman, no matter how far she is from your expectations of the perfect woman. Once they are dating or even having married and had children, Other reasons arise why the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can get worse if they have had the very bad luck that they have not come closer in positions Among these causes we can find:

How damaging is a very bad relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?

As we mentioned, a tense relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not uncommon nor is it necessarily a bad thing. It is normal for two people who are neither friends nor blood family to feel uncomfortable having to share the life of someone they love, his partner and son. However, if the relationship is very bad, both the marriage and the husband’s family relationships will be harmed.

Both parties, the couple, represented in the figure of the girlfriend or wife, and the family, represented with the mother, will reproach him for not having taken a position.

Although son-husband, partner and mother make up a triangular structure, many more people can be involved in the conflict, Children being especially vulnerable if there are any. These will find themselves in the dilemma of giving support to their mother or their paternal grandmother, a situation in which no child should be involved. Children are children and they need solid support figures, the more the better. Making them choose and reduce their family circle means depriving them of the experiences and love of people who love them, harming them as well as those same people.

No matter how right the daughter-in-law may be in some aspects, the fact that she has confronted her husband against his own mother will make her feel frustrated with her marriage, which she will see as a separate element from the woman who brought her into the world and gave her birth. child. As for his mother, if she is making him distance himself from his partner, he will see in her a woman who does not let him breathe, who cuts his wings of independence and who, more than wanting him to be happy, what she does is only think about herself. her almost pathological fear of losing him.

Be that as it may, everyone’s mental health suffers, and really the only person who has a little room for maneuver is the partner She is the one who decides if she prefers to continue living in a bad relationship with her partner’s mother or, otherwise, run away from her. At the end of the day, a couple is the decision of two people and, seeing that it is very difficult for a man to get rid of an overprotective mother, it is a matter of time before the woman decides to leave. The mother, as a general rule, will try to be on top of her child. She will rarely stop talking to you for dating that woman, although she will tell you to do so.

What can be done about this conflict?

What we first want to highlight about the hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is that, if it has reached such an extreme, You should go to a professional, specifically a psychologist specialized in family dynamics and that offers family therapy. The situation is serious and expert help is required before it gets worse and a marriage ends up breaking up because both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law have not wanted to put an end to their disagreements and think about the well-being of the person they supposedly love.

However, if such an extreme has not yet been reached, the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law can follow a series of tips that will prevent this unpleasant situation from occurring.

What to do from the role of daughter-in-law

As a daughter-in-law, the first thing to do is practice empathy with our boyfriend’s mother, especially if we want to have children or already have them. In general, mothers tend to be afraid that something bad may happen to their children and that they will leave their side. The feelings of many people who have reached old age have to do with fear of being alone, longing for the past and jealousy Far from criticizing her desire to spend time with her son, we should accept her with open arms, showing her that she has support in us.

Another fundamental aspect is, clearly, avoiding conflicts caused by simple ego struggles. Our mother-in-law may make us somewhat acidic comments about what we do, but far from seeing her as a meddler and critic, we should value her experience, which she undoubtedly has since she has known how to raise and move forward a family. Many times they are lessons that can be useful to us.

Naturally, we can’t help but compare our relationship with our parents to the one our man has with his mother. At first it may seem somewhat childish to us, that this woman treats her son as if she were still a child. This does not have to be a negative thing, since In each family the way in which love is shown is different and, therefore, comparisons cannot be made under the same criteria. This is why we must avoid comparing ourselves, since we are going to see more bad things than good.

It is also very important to understand that the tone and vocabulary with which things are said can be interpreted in multiple ways. It is possible that there are attitudes of our mother-in-law that bother us but, even so, we cannot respond to her with disrespect or even with a mocking tone. There may even be a time when the situation becomes tense. If so It is best to wait for the air to calm down and talk about it more calmly commenting that we appreciate their observations but that we are also free to make our own decisions as adults.

What to do from the role of mother-in-law

It is essential that if we are the mother-in-law we understand that our son has grown up As much as it hurts us, he is no longer 10 years old, but he is a full-fledged adult who is free to make his own decisions. Unless the woman he is dating is very unpleasant we should not interfere in his love life. If he is happy with her, we should be happy for him.

If they already have children, we can offer our daughter-in-law our experience as we are mothers and have raised children. We must understand that they are recommendations, not impositions. Our daughter-in-law will see in these proposals something applicable or not based on her own criteria, which may be worse or better but, at the end of the day, we may also have made mistakes in the past, and yet our son has come to life. adult. There is no perfect and infallible educational method, what matters is that it helps create responsible and functional adults.

It is also very important to understand that Our daughter-in-law is a flesh and blood person, not the perfect, idealized idea we once made out Perfection does not exist in the mortal world and, as long as it gives happiness to our son, our daughter-in-law is the closest thing to that perfection. It is true that she will have her flaws, but we cannot wait for her to change if we pressure her or remind her of the bad things we see in her. We can recommend doing a couple of things to improve, but always with respect and tolerance.