How To Act In The Face Of Infidelity: 7 Effective Tips
One of the most serious and also most common crises that a couple faces throughout their life cycle is what happens from infidelity.
Statistics on its frequency vary greatly, ranging from 20% (Institute of Family Studies 2017, Fincham 2016) to 70% (Rodrigues 2016), since it is not easy to discriminate what is infidelity and what is not.
So that… How to act in the face of infidelity? In this article we will see a series of recommendations.
It is important to assume that the widespread use of social networks has expanded the opportunity and definition of infidelity, in addition to blurring the boundary between flirting and going one step further. The virtual component of a cyber adventure can also affect our assessment of whether we are facing infidelity or not.
In any case, In approximately half of couples therapies, the infidelity of one of the members is the origin of the demand (Glass 2003, Field 2007). That is, secret contact with a third person, whether physical or virtual, is considered a betrayal by the other party.
The questions posed below are a classic of psychotherapy: is it possible to forgive infidelity? Is it necessarily the end of the couple? Can you regain trust in the other person? How to act in the face of infidelity?
In the case of couples who go to therapy, at least a desire to find a solution for the relationship to continue can be assumed, which is why they seem to harbor some hope about the possibility of rebuilding the relationship. Contrary to the most common opinion, it is not only feasible to overcome infidelity, but, Properly managed, it can strengthen the bond between the couple and be the starting point of a closer and better established relationship.
Obviously, the process to get there It is very emotionally demanding for both members of the couple, and even having the intention to repair the serious damage committed, it is possible to realize that ultimately the deception cannot be forgiven. And it will depend on multiple factors, such as its characteristics, motivations (no, infidelities are not only committed within relationships that are going badly) or the implications it may have on the future of the relationship.
Also, obviously, the strength of the relationship and the beliefs and values of each member of the couple influences.
How does the person who feels betrayed experience it?
The deceived person comes to the consultation (invariably, regardless of the magnitude of the affair) in an acute state of pain and rage, much greater if there was no degree of suspicion or there were no signs of problems in the relationship; The surprise factor can leave the deceived person in a state of bewilderment.
In these conditions, furthermore, the social and moral pressure in the sense that the right thing to do is to break the relationship can be very strong if we do not want to leave the person who has been unfaithful to us, and become another factor of anxiety and emotional conflict.
Here It is important to work to avoid the appearance of resentment, a chronification of the feeling of rage that easily leads down the path of revenge and eternal punishment. The famous phrase “forgive, but do not forget” is the prelude to this phenomenon and it goes without saying that it is a way of closing falsely and not really overcoming the problem (Campo, 2007).
The experience of the person who has committed infidelity
For its part, The person who has committed infidelity usually presents varying degrees of guilt: he knows that what he has done is morally reprehensible and he is facing the real consequences of his behavior, which on many occasions are unexpected (a common protection mechanism while maintaining infidelity is to minimize them).
The attitude in therapy is usually defensive, since you expect the professional to side against you and anticipate that you will not be listened to and that your reasons will not be taken into account.
Since to sustain infidelity it is essential to lie, It is also common for them to present some type of internal conflict about their own self-esteem Obviously, he is the most likely to hide important information out of fear.
How to act in the face of infidelity
If the intention is to overcome infidelity, the recommendation is to go to couples therapy: although it may not be essential, the appearance of an external figure who can help guide the process greatly facilitates things.
The couples psychologist is a professional trained to deal with these issues. without interference from their own moral codes and of course, without allying with any of the two members of the couple. A fairly common situation on the first visit, where people usually go looking for a condemnatory “sentence” rather than a solution.
Some of the important keys to knowing how to act in the face of infidelity and face such a complicated situation are the following.
1. Clarify demand and adjust expectations
It is possible that there was some structural imbalance in the couple that neither has known or wanted to face. Also, there are individual desires and needs that the relationship did not satisfy. Or that the couple’s project is incompatible.
In all these circumstances it is essential clarify what is expected from the relationship in the future and, of course, avoid basing it on revenge or submission.
2. Promote a climate of sincerity
In this sense and continuing with what was mentioned in the previous point, it is important to avoid having hidden agendas; It is not uncommon, for example, to approach couples therapy with the secret intention of breaking up the relationship, using it as an excuse to demonstrate the impossibility of a solution. It is important to be honest with yourself and with others no matter how painful it may be.
3. Listen to and sustain the pain of those who have been deceived
The fundamental need of someone who has suffered infidelity is to feel listened to, understood, and to have their discomfort recognized. This coexists in many cases with a logical hostility towards the other party, who can react by avoiding exposure to the consequences.
It is essential, however, recognize the damage caused in its exact dimension accept that it has been committed and commit to repairing it.
4. Replace guilt with responsibility
To do this, feelings of guilt must be replaced by a sense of responsibility. For the transgressor, recognize it and assume that it has been acted unilaterally and without leaving the couple any room for decision, being willing to initiate reparative actions. For the deceived, overcome the state of victim and explore if there has been some type of intervention (by action or omission) in favoring the conditions to reach this point.
When both become co-responsible for the relationship it is possible to transform it for the better.
5. Delve into the meaning of the experience for those who deceive
Like your partner, the unfaithful person needs to be listened to It is not an easy task to explore your personal motivations, your own doubts, needs, aspirations or weaknesses in front of someone damaged by your actions, but it is necessary to put into context what has led us there.
Infidelity can be related to individual or relationship shortcomings, but also to desires to explore and search for a new identity (or an old one lost who knows when) (Perel, 2017).
6. Avoid diving into unnecessary details
Although understanding the meaning of the adventure is essential for reconstruction, The tendency to want to know even the smallest details is pernicious, since it only provides a perpetuation of pain, anger and resentment. A common form of self-punishment that is very detrimental to repairing the damage.
7. The unfaithful must appear as a protector of trust
The person who has broken the couple’s agreement is the main person in charge of rebuilding that broken trust A task in which she will be monitored very critically, but no one said it would be easy.
Giving up contact with the third person involved, to the extent possible, should be a requirement. Be loyal and trustworthy at all times as well.
On the other hand, any sign of loyalty and willingness to regain intimacy is important to be recognized positively, even if it is not yet enough to fully trust. It won’t be restored in a week.
