“I Love You, But I Don’t Like You Anymore”: About Heartbreak
Surely, after an age and with certain maturity and lived experiences, We can all talk about some love that is over without really knowing why. It is very easy to find articles on the Internet that talk about the suffering of heartbreak, but what is happening to us inside?
Let’s start from a fact that, even today, many people find difficult to accept: Love comes and goes in the brain; the heart only makes some rhythms, and heartbreak follows a logic that goes beyond whether we simply stop “liking” a person.
There are studies that affirm that love arises in the limbic system, which is the part of the brain from which our emotions are born A chemical called phenylethylamine is released, causing a feeling of euphoria, just as some drugs trigger.
Other substances secreted by the human body whose levels are altered with love are dopamine (related to the learning mechanism), norepinephrine (basically responsible for making our heart accelerate in the presence of our loved one) and serotonin (regulates the state of mind).
We understand then, from these alterations, that when we are in love we are entities that dance on the air, with a silly smile on our face and constant ups and downs of mood
Alterations have also been detected in the area of perception, which could clarify that we see our partner in an idealized way and whose apparent perfection makes them more special than any other person.
But from love to hate, there is only one step… Maybe less. The neurologist Semir Zeki discovered in one of his investigations how activation of the same brain regions during the process of falling in love and hate, provoking opposite reactions, yes.
And heartbreak comes… suddenly?
When it comes to investigating a little more about the process of heartbreak, it is difficult to find articles that explain what happens to us when we take the active role, that is, the decision to break up. Everyone seems to be focused on reviving the poor being that has been unilaterally abandoned (hint: it’s a matter of time and attitude).
By now you’ve probably already read that what we understand as “falling in love” lasts around two years (four for those who see the glass as half full). The process of heartbreak does not usually come suddenly ; It is almost always a gradual and painful process, and it is also the result, in part, of brain activity.
The brain, with the passage of time, causes less and less secretion of all the chemicals we mentioned above, such as dopamine. These substances made us feel alienated (sorry, in love) and see the other person as perfect. And, little by little, they remove the handkerchief from our eyes and we are capable of being more “objective” about our partner seeing defects more easily and feeling negative emotions.
suffer that heartbreak does not always lead to a breakup ; It can evolve into another type of more solid and objective relationship. To see the other person as they really are, and not as we want them to be, we need sufficient emotional maturity to be able to live love without wrong expectations, unattainable requirements and uncontrolled emotions. A key in this process is communication as a couple.
For this evolution of love, there are also studies that show how certain hormones intervene at the brain level. This is the case of oxytocin, which works like alcohol, giving us well-being when it is secreted in situations linked to affection such as a hug, and that is why the couple enjoys intimate moments not so linked to sexuality
In the event that the heartbreak does not come to fruition and we opt for a breakup, the brain also undergoes certain changes. Brain scans have been done that show that the person with a broken heart shows more activity in the prefrontal area, which is related to personality, decision making and planning, as long as it is not a case of depression. This suggests that the brain is trying to help us overcome the bad situation and balance our behavior and emotions.
Likewise, it has been shown that you suffer a withdrawal syndrome similar to what you suffer from any other drug; The brain misses those chemical reward circuits that are set in motion when “consuming” the presence and affection of the other person and, although over time it assimilates it, in principle what it does is ask for it out loud.
It must be understood that people who break up the relationship because they do not feel what they think they should feel, suffer this entire process equally, only that all of this happens during the relationship instead of after the breakup.
What to do when faced with heartbreak?
Both falling in love and falling out of love seem to be out of our control What we can manage is whether that heartbreak is worth taking to another stage of love, or if it is not worth it and we have to let it go. No decision will be completely clear or easy, people are creatures of habit, but in the game of love, we must not forget that not everything goes and that we must become active subjects of our own lives and make the decisions that we believe are correct.
So fall in love, be loved, break up, come back, repent, be happy, cry and love again, without fear, because as Winston Churchill said: “Success is overcoming failure with enthusiasm intact.”
