Improve Communication As A Couple, In Search Of A More Effective Dialogue
Whenever psychologists and therapists talk about couples, it is essential to mention communication, since it becomes fundamental for a good or satisfactory relationship.
The communication connects us towards the other person, it links us, there is nothing more gratifying than feeling that we are heard, that the other is interested in what we feel, what happens to us, etc.
Well, at the beginning of relationships, communication is normally good and fluid, we are in love, part of the process of creating a couple, at this stage we see each other at certain times, we do not have common responsibilities, and we have to make ourselves known. : we express our best virtues, and we also have a lot of interest in getting to know the other person, therefore, we show interest in him/her, and we support him/her in what he/she says; As time goes by and if we manage to form a relationship, this type of communication is lost (on a general level).
As we progress in the relationship, other factors come into play, we believe that we know the person, there is no need to say or do anything, we think that things come by themselves and many times this is not the case , we stagnate, we ask less and less how are you? How was your day? Where are the off-color mobile messages? etc.
Many times We fall into recrimination, into the “tack”, we victimize ourselves and accuse the other member of being an executioner, and other times, we swallow our feelings, needs or thoughts, out of fear, abandonment, frustration, anger, disappointment Therefore, knowing how to communicate is essential, it is better to communicate a little and well, than a lot and badly.
Women and men have a lot to learn from each other, women have the tendency to communicate a lot, sometimes too much, and many times, It is necessary to learn to filter what we say and HOW we say it , and not regret it later; and on the other hand, men can learn from us to show their emotions and face difficulties in a way that is open to dialogue and negotiation, and not tend (in most cases, as in everything, there are people who don’t) , to avoid or evade conflict situations, which often generates a lot of anger and frustration in the other person, since they feel unattended.
Likewise, I am going to give some general guidelines for dealing with conflict as a couple, and to be able to emerge stronger from this:
1. Start with something positive : Emphasize a positive aspect of your partner related to the topic at hand, this creates a better disposition for dialogue.
2. Describe how you feel using ME messages we are going to emphasize that we take responsibility for our feelings and that is why we want to find a solution, the conflict is with the behavior that creates our feelings, not with the person themselves.
3. Specific and clear description of the situation : remember that you should not blame, criticize, blame, despise. Do not use terms that can be interpreted, we already know that this does not bring good results, because we tend to interpret things that are not and in a negative way. Don’t beat around the bush, if it’s easier for you, write it down first.
4. Admit your responsibility : with respect to the couple, we have responsibilities in situations, the couple is something of two, mutual, reciprocal and interactive, therefore, it is convenient to see what part we could change too to make things easier.
5. Generate alternatives, do not speak negatively and focus on a single problem : many times, without meaning to, we tend to bring up topics that have no relation to what is being raised, or we go back to things from the past, without realizing that this does not solve anything but rather aggravates it and we run the risk of entering into a negative spiral.
6. Offer help : after an agreement, we can offer our help and commitment. In the negotiations, both members must benefit.
In the event that you are the one who receives the message, I recommend that you breathe and think that the other person is doing it for the betterment of the couple, it is normal to feel attacked and tend to recriminate (we have all done it), open up and feel the moment as an opportunity to improve and grow the relationship.
Before finishing, I emphasize not forgetting the positive aspects of our partner, and telling them, when our relationship is deteriorated we tend to see everything in a negative way, it is difficult for us to appreciate the good things about the other; but you have to stop and enjoy them, remember, you give what you get.
Finally, if you find yourself stuck in your relationship, do not hesitate to consult me, and to go for a consultation, to promote positive learning both personally and as a couple.
