An important aspect of infidelity is the fact that it usually occurs in secret. Therefore, usually implies a betrayal of the commitment agreed between the parties involved, the spouses This is a fundamental element when it comes to breaking the trust on which the relationship is established.
When infidelity occurs, the “aggrieved” person suffers a deep wound in their self-esteem that will need to be healed. One of the most difficult challenges he will have to face will be to forgive what happened, regardless of whether he wants to restore the relationship or not.
Forgiveness is a process that has healthy effects on the person who forgives, thus promoting their mental health. However, Forgiving is a complex matter that will take time desire to forgive, determination and commitment.
In this process we will have to change attitudes, thoughts and behaviors. Through this cognitive restructuring, we may be able to reconcile with those feelings that were violated, and return to normality.
The forgiveness process after infidelity
The first step will be to recognize the damage suffered It is important not to try to deceive yourself by minimizing what happened, on the contrary, it will be from the importance of the event that the “aggrieved” will give themselves the opportunity to forgive.
In the analysis of what happened, it is necessary to understand the circumstances in which the infidelity occurred. In this way, we know that external attributions (attributing responsibility to circumstances external to the person), unstable (which vary) and specific (concrete and specific) of infidelity facilitate forgiveness compared to internal attributions (attributing responsibility to the person’s character). of the person), stable (that does not change) and global (generalizable) that make it difficult.
The second step is to show interest in forgiving what happened at least as a possibility.
Misconceptions about the forgiveness process
To do this we will have to analyze and recognize what it means for us to forgive to detect possible thoughts or ideas that can negatively interfere with the forgiveness process. Some of these misconceptions may be:
1. “Forgiving means forgetting what happened”
Memory is a brain function that intervenes in all human learning processes. When we learn something, it is not deleted from our “store”, we cannot make it disappear. The goal is not to forget what happened, the goal will be to remember it without it hurting us.
2. “Forgiveness is synonymous with reconciliation”
This is one of the most widespread ideas in consultation: “If he doesn’t want to come back to me it’s because he hasn’t forgiven me, if he had we would be together.” Forgiveness does not necessarily include restoring the relationship with someone; It is necessary, but not sufficient. This is because forgiving someone does not imply reaching new commitments with them, and the latter is necessary to repair a relationship affected by this type of crisis.
3. “Forgiving is minimizing or justifying what happened”
How many times have we heard phrases like: “it’s not a big deal”, “try to see the positive”, “these things happen”,…? Forgiving does not imply changing the assessment of the fact; so it is very likely that this will always be valued in a negative and unjustifiable way. However, what will change will be that, even though the assessment of the fact is negative, the attitude towards the “offender” will not imply desire for revenge or the need to “return the damage caused” in search of justice.
4. “Forgiving is a sign of not valuing yourself or of weakness”
When we are hurt, we learn that it is necessary to protect ourselves from the person who has hurt us Anger is a defense mechanism that protects us from others (hate allows me to “control” part of what happened, makes you feel important and restores part of the lost confidence in oneself).
But seeking reconciliation is not simply throwing in the towel to stop living “against” and anticipating reproaches or arguments with the other person (although it is true that in some cases, this happens). It is also a way to explore possibilities to improve the quality of the relationship, learning from mistakes and taking advantage of that experience to connect better. That is, reconciliation after infidelity or another form of relationship crisis can arise from a positive mentality, not from the simple avoidance of immediate discomfort.
Changing our thoughts to forgive
The third step that leads us to forgive, and This involves changing our behavior (what we do) and accepting suffering and anger In the case of infidelity, it consists of stopping open and explicit destructive behavior (seeking revenge or justice, lashing out at the “aggressor”,…) or covert and implicit behavior (wishing bad at the aggressor, ruminating about the betrayal and the damage inflicted)…).
In addition, it is necessary to carry out repair work for the damage caused (as far as possible), since this is one of the best ways to demonstrate regret and, more importantly, interest in repairing the commitment to the other person.
The fourth stage involves establishing strategies aimed at self-protection Forgiveness does not mean “blind faith in the other”, it precisely implies recognizing that there is no certainty that it will not happen again and that risk is part of what it means to live and share life with another, even if one tries to reduce the probability that it will happen again. To happen again. It is important not to fall into excessive control that leads us to manifest jealous behavior.
Overcoming a complicated situation
Forgiving an infidelity, therefore, is possible However, this will not just mean resuming the relationship again; it is a necessary but not sufficient requirement. And this union must give rise to dynamics of coexistence and expression of affection; Living together for years detesting the other person or having an effective life as a couple may not be a way to officially break up, but it is not the solution.
On the other hand, it is important to give yourself time. Forgiveness is only possible once we have gone through the grieving process that will entail the loss of trust in both the partner and oneself, given the devastating effects it has on self-esteem.
