Sometimes children change their character for no apparent reason. We suspect something is up, and we don’t know exactly what it is.
Sometimes children change their character for no apparent reason. We suspect something is up, and we don’t know exactly what it is. They are quieter than normal, more irascible, they lose their appetite, they don’t rest well… Many times this just goes away. Others persist.
It is not a matter of alarming you, but of asking yourself if there may be someone who is bothering him, in whatever way. A very common place is “the playground.”
We encounter many children who do not know how to deal with the situation. Inside his little head, in one way or another, what to do arises: “I defend myself, I move away, I tell an older person… I don’t know… Telling it to a teacher is snitching, and then it’s going to be worse…”
It is therefore necessary to teach children formulas to better handle these situations. And you as a father or mother can introduce it naturally into the conversation with him.
Conflict resolution skills in a peaceful and assertive manner include a broad set of competencies. We intend to provide below a simplified framework so that children know in a schematic way what comes before and what comes after. Simplifying things helps them remember, and at the same time maintains an acceptable psychological and pedagogical chronology to be taught by adults.
First: Ignore and avoid the conflict Sometimes giving little importance to something minor is the best solution. Ignore it and go somewhere else. Surely the problematic student in question, having no response or feeling a reaction from his victim, will stop bothering him. It’s about ignoring and also conveying that he wants you to leave him alone and that he doesn’t want trouble.
After: Cope proportionately or defend yourself Children must be taught and transmitted the importance that defending themselves is something that only has to be done after having put in place mechanisms to ignore or peacefully avoid the conflict. When the time comes, this coping message is important, as it gives value to the need to figure things out for yourself, and at the same time gives you control over the situation. That is, it does not leave you in a position of disability, lack of protection, or where everything else has to be resolved immediately. It should be said that responding promptly to aggression must always be proportional, both verbally and physically. Teaching your child to minimally defend himself in a complex situation, to get away or free himself from an aggressive situation (not to attack) is one more element that contemplates assertiveness within the teaching of social skills that will be useful for life. , and tries to ensure that they are able to defend their most basic rights and freedoms.
Finally: Ask for help. It is important to clarify to children that when someone bothers them on a recurring basis, they have already put into practice all the conflict resolution strategies mentioned and the situation continues to persist, it is essential to inform the adult (teachers and parents) of what is happening. to give us a hand in solving a clearly unequal situation, in which he has already done everything in his power to solve it in an assertive and autonomous manner. And this “is not snitching, but rather asking for help.” It can be done, and it must be done. We must make this clear to children, since “they may feel guilty for accusing their bully”, at the same time as “unprotected and helpless” if they are not properly supported in this process. Think that they can also experience it in a sad and ashamed way, to begin with because they reveal that they are the object of ridicule, that whatever they do does not work. We must talk to them to clarify that it is legitimate and appropriate to talk about this situation of abuse by another child who has no complex being that, a bully who resorts to verbal and physical aggression, and disqualification in its multiple manifestations. You can also clarify to them that it is normal for them to feel this way, that it is not pleasant to feel attacked by another person and let someone know that things are not going well, but that feeling will soon pass when they understand that they have not done anything wrong, and that “the bully was the one who didn’t do it right.” If we do not do it this way and do not explain it adequately, the most defenseless child may feel bad “asking for help” and ultimately may not put into action this mechanism which, given the moment, is important for him to do. And perhaps what is most relevant; It is essential that the child captures our most sincere empathy, not so much anger or concern, but understanding, acceptance and affection, because if he cannot associate that telling things generates anger and worry in the adult, and possibly it will not be comfortable for him tell nothing more.
Generate mechanisms in your child to ignore or ignore some of the first behaviors towards him, as well as to warn him of wanting to avoid a conflict
Firstly, ignoring, ignoring a minor disqualification may be appropriate, because this profile of the aggressor student targets easily reactive victims. Also to let the aggressor know that you do not want problems and to leave him alone.
Generate self-defense mechanisms in your child
When aggressive behaviors are repeated, the child must defend himself. Do not start aggression, but at least remove it and show self-defense resources. It is legitimate, and it should be done.
It ensures that, if the behavior towards him persists, your child feels confident, calm and has the least feeling of guilt in transmitting it to adults asking for help
It must be clarified that the culprit is the child who messes with them, that he is not doing anything wrong. It is called asking for help, not telling, and children, after having exhausted other resources of avoidance, peaceful autonomous coping and assertiveness, must turn to the adult to “not normalize a situation that is not normal”, since if it continues to occur with impunity it can have very destructive effects on children’s self-esteem and their psychological development in general.
Sergio Algar Villa | Psychologist Col. No. M-22702
