‘My Partner Only Sees The Bad Things About Me’: Change Your Partner Or Accept Them As They Are?
It happens to some couples that over time they begin to feel rejection by certain aspects of their partner’s personality and begin to try to “change” them for others. Why it happens?
At the beginning of the relationship, the other person seems to be the perfect being, nothing bothers you about him, and it even seems that his “defects” make it more desirable and attractive. However, over time, we begin to put our feet on the ground, and begin to see it more realistically, perceiving both its qualities and its limitations. But, when a person expresses that ‘my partner only sees the bad in me ‘This implies a series of complications that can end the relationship.
These limitations, “defects” or behaviors contrary to what we think are “adequate” can make us desperate, worry us and even provoke passive-aggressive behavior in us that will be detrimental to our relationship, poisoning it little by little. Thus, when your partner doesn’t value you and only sees this negative part in you, it is that there are certain problems that can end your bond.
These “annoying” behaviors can be the person’s gestures, expressions, ways of speaking or dealing with problems, ways of acting at a social, work or family level, priorities established by the person, hobbies, social protocol or assimilated education, forms of think about different areas of life, etc. These “positions” or beliefs regarding life were learned as children in our family, in our social group and through different forms of direct or vicarious learning, and they differ greatly from one person to another.
Beliefs about life are very subjective, there are no universal rules, neither good nor evil, nor right or wrong, but only ways of socializing that can lead to better or worse coexistence (called prosocial behaviors, necessary to live in society), but these norms of coexistence, depending on the circumstances, are changing and abstract. So when you think ‘my partner only sees the bad in me’ they are actually looking at this person’s beliefs towards an attitude that he or she considers ‘correct’.
‘My partner speaks badly to me’: When should it not be tolerated?
Obviously, by defects we are not referring to lack of respect or verbal or physical violent/aggressive behavior against one’s partner or oneself, since under no circumstances should these have a place within a relationship, be it love, friendship, family, work or academic, having to be reconsidered immediately, concluding in its rupture if these violent or aggressive behaviors do not change or are eliminated. According to psychologists some signs that your partner does not value you What you should keep in mind are the following.
‘My partner doesn’t talk to me’
When there are problems and one of the two parties in the relationship adopts a silent attitude, this is called a passive-aggressive reaction. In these cases, these types of responses should not be tolerated because they harm your integrity and mental health. It is always good to allow breaks if the situation ends badly, but in many cases you must stop this type of behavior or signs that your partner does not value you
‘My partner insults me’
When there are insults, this is a red flag. The disrespect It cannot be tolerated, no matter the moment. When your partner insults you, you should call his or her attention and warn that this should not be allowed.
Use contemptuous phrases
The phrases of contempt They can be a subtle way to insult a person indirectly. Therefore, it is another line that should not be crossed within a relationship.
‘My partner doesn’t value me and blames me for everything’
Value is something that must be present in any type of relationship. For this reason, if you think that someone around you, or your partner, does not value you, it is time to tell them and take action on the matter.
These may be some of the lack of respect that you should not tolerate within a relationship. If you think that they are repeated in your partner, perhaps you should go to a professional psychologist to solve these contempts.
Why is it bad that your partner only sees the bad in you?
When we do not accept the beliefs, priorities, behaviors or expressions of the other person, they feel “rejected” by their own partner, even though they remain committed on a relational level. On a sentimental and intimacy level, this person is not being accepted.
Let’s remember that a couple can have three variables:
Passion (the feeling of the first moments, more identified with sexual desire and attraction)
Intimacy (mutual knowledge, understanding, acceptance of the other person’s way of being)
The privacy It is a very important part of a relationship, since it involves curiosity to know what beliefs the person with whom we have decided to share our life has: their priorities, interests, opinions, needs, principles, etc. and accepting them as they are, that is, it entails unconditional acceptance of that person as they are, and not conditional on how the other partner wants them to be. It is not necessary to share their beliefs, otherwise we would not be true to ourselves, but we do need to understand and accept them (we can understand a position or opinion, but not agree with it).
When we decide to make a person our partner, our life partner, it is because we liked him just the way he is, but sometimes, when the passion begins to diminish, we begin to reject those characteristics of our partner that we had initially disliked. result even attractive or neutral. The consequences can be disastrous for the relationship, and this boredom can be repeated from couple to couple without end, unconsciously “boycotting” all the relationships we undertake. Instead of suggesting how we would like a certain thing to be done, we end up attacking it for its way of being or doing, concluding in a negative atmosphere and loaded with tension and boredom within the relationship.
How to stop seeing the bad things about our partner?
But how not to fall into this vicious circle? Accepting that each person has the right to have their own vision of life, which may be different from ours, respecting their individuality and their way of being, without describing it as “bad” or “good”, “inadequate” or “adequate”. “. We end up forgetting the positive aspects that attracted us to that person, so we would have to remember them again.
1. Focus on the positive
For a week, look at the things that you consider positive about that person and write them down. Whether you are the one who says that ‘My partner only sees the bad in me’ as if you are the one who sees that your partner does not value you as much as you would like, the best thing you can do is focus on what is positive.
2. Gestures dear
Affection is the best way to make these signs that your partner does not value you they leave. Through these caresses you can make the person react and begin to change your adverse attitude towards you.
3. Create new experiences together
Routine can be the great enemy in a relationship, as it usually leads to tedium and boredom for the other person. In many cases, not doing something new with your partner can lead the person to say phrases of contempt sometimes. Therefore, leaving your comfort zone can be a good idea during these moments.
You don’t need big gestures, but try to do small everyday gestures: like preparing breakfast for your partner, or giving them a kiss when they get home, winking at them in a way of complicity, asking them and being interested in how things went for them. the day, etc. Great romantic gestures are those carried out by the passion of the moment, but they do not mean “love”, and can sometimes even be used as emotional blackmail against the other or as “compensation” for inappropriate behavior. The small details of everyday life entail a daily sacrifice, “being aware of the well-being of the other”, empathy for your partner, taking them into account in your life, and this is how the other member perceives it, it is commitment and intimacy.
5. Praise
Praise is a very important part within a relationship As time passes, members think that the other person already knows them, but that is not true, since feelings for each other can change in a matter of months, weeks, or even days or hours. It is best to frequently remind the other partner how much you love them through praise or flattery (as long as it is not exaggerated or false). These act as reinforcement, promoting a positive and accepting atmosphere within the couple. Who doesn’t feel better with praise? We will tend to associate our partner with an increase in endorphins, we will desire their company.
6. Talk of what bothers us
If some behavior of the other person bothers you a lot, instead of attacking him, try to tell him how you would like or how you would prefer him to act next time, informing him of the benefits for both of you that you see by acting in a different way, always explained in a kind way. and without sarcasm or irony, being frank, honest and empathetic. Of course, you have to respect the other person’s refusal to not wanting to act in the way you say is appropriate.
7. Say what we really want
If you would like me to do something, don’t think I would have to know. if I really knew you It is enough of a burden knowing what you want without trying to guess what others want, even if this is your partner. It is best to tell him openly what you would like, over and over again. This promotes knowledge of the other couple’s preferences and interests, and there will come a time when the other will know, with more certainty, what exactly you like.
We must remember that having a partner is share life with your best friend with your experience partner, with your unconditional support, with a person who accepts you just as you are.
