Problems in the Couple Due to Power Struggles

When there is a rivalry for power in the couple, the problems stop focusing on solutions and usually lead to conflicts.

The problem in managing conflicts in relationships arises when we do not adequately manage power; when we confuse it with goals.

Let’s take a simple example. Let’s imagine that a couple is arguing about what they are going to do on the weekend. Suppose one of you wants to go dancing while the other wants to stay home watching a television show. They have different motivations and each wants to persuade the other to achieve their goal, but at some point during the discussion they forget what they supposedly wanted (to dance/stay at home) and begin to blame each other for the sacrifices that each makes for the other. Behaviors such as victimhood, blackmail or threats may appear. Little by little, dancing or watching the TV show stops being important. The important thing is to win, to come out on top. In this case, we say that they have gone from competing for goals to doing so to hold power. Surely this vignette is familiar to you, as it is common: we all compete for power on occasion.

The problem arises when a couple constantly competes due to their ability to influence and what is at stake is not achieving an objective, but getting their way.

There are couples who argue constantly, they get hooked for what apparentlye are aspects of everyday life, but where lies what Luis R. Guerra Cid calls affectopathology due to rivalry: “Practically every day there is a small argument or continuous tension, which frequently becomes a strong argument (…). The same microprocesses that occur daily reproduce the macroprocess that the relationship has become (…). Each of the members jealously guards their right to individuation, that is, their right to have their space and not have to give it up to the other or to the couple as a concept.”

This unresolved conflict is constantly reproduced in banal discussions that erode the relationship. Trust, intimacy and mutual recognition give way to reproach. The couple’s constant arguments often show the lack of intimacy and their fear of loneliness. The only thing that relates them is the discussion, in such a way that “if we argue it is because we maintain a relationship, that there is something between us.” Thus, rivalry is at the service of preserving the illusion of connecting with another human being.

When, on the contrary, couples are able to negotiate their goals without stagnating in positions of power, each of their members grows, as does the relationship conceived as an entity in itself. The relationship strengthens, each member of the couple discovers aspects of themselves unknown until now and the couple constitutes a safe place in which to grow.front the problems that inevitably arise in everyday life.

Main areas of conflict

• He can: Taking into account responsibilities: who is in charge of doing things and who decides what needs to be done. These decisions cover such fundamental aspects as: finances, childcare, social relationships, etc.
• The intimacy: It is built with a separation from the family of origin, giving priority to the other in self-revelation and decision making.
• Passion, affection, sexuality: Love replaces falling in love, the initial passion gives way to intimacy and affection, but that does not mean that the attraction that is felt for the other as a sexual object and subject cannot be lost.
• Communication: When conflicts occur and become entrenched, communication patterns occur that perpetuate the problem and ultimately lead to separation.

Triggers of conflicts

Under normal circumstances, couples, even if they are not happy, adapt and conflicts do not arise. These appear when important circumstances of change occur, that is, stressful situations such as:

Both negative and positive job changes:

• Unemployment, promotions
• The retirement.
• Diseases;
• Economic problems,
• paternity/maternity,
• The family of origin and currently, the other’s children.
• When our partner or ourselves have to accept the other’s children in our daily lives and their way of relating to them.
• When the children leave home or simply get older and leave the couple more free time.

All of them, positive and negative, are sources of stress that require the couple to put into practice their communication and conflict resolution skills, in addition to the motivation to stay together and the ability to recognize weaknesses in front of the other and that the other sees them. receive without punishing them.

Form of conflicts (Behaviors)

In conflicts, forms of behavior are established that become chronic and aggravate the problems, some of them are:

• Negative reciprocity: The most problematic is when a negative communication is generally responded to with another negative communication on the part of the other, establishing a reciprocity in negativity that can end in an escalation of violence. It is eye for eye justice.
• The relationship itself is discussed: One of the methods used to solve communication problems is the use of metacommunication, that is, reflecting on the way in which communication is occurring. For example, one says “you are not listening to me” to try to get someone to listen, but the aggressive non-verbal message is generally accompanied by an aggressive non-verbal component, and the one who responds does so to the aggressive component, which leads to to more arguments, getting into a vicious circle. In marriages without problems they respond to metacommunication and not to the emotional component
• The woman or man attacks and the man or woman avoids or remains silent: This pattern occurs when one gives hostile responses while another withdraws or does not respond, which increases their hostility because the problems are not solved.

****The four horsemen of the apocalypse

The Criticism which leads to Contempt which causes a Constant Defensive Attitude They are three of the couple’s four horsemen of the Apocalypse. The fourth is the Ability to Not Listen to Others either you let him talk without paying attention or you talk so much that you don’t let him get a word in.

Most of the time, all of these behavior patterns attempt to resolve the conflict, but not only do they not resolve it, but they perpetuate it and the interaction itself becomes the problem that leads to separation.

Conflicts do not always lead to a breakup A type of conflict has been reported in which one member of the couple becomes angry and starts an argument with the aim of resolving the problem. When successful, the relationship can be strengthened. In these cases, the conflict experienced by the children is not negative for them, it can even be an opportunity to learn to be assertive.