The Couple: A Terrain Overloaded With Expectations

In contemporary society, relationships have acquired an overwhelming role, becoming the center of our affective, emotional and even existential expectations. What was once a network of collective support, supported by communities, families and networks of friends, has been reduced, in many cases, to a single link. This transformation raises a fundamental question: is it fair to place on a couple all the demands that were previously shared by a network of human relationships?

Psychotherapist Esther Perel addresses this question with incisive clarity. According to Perel, we have transferred to the couple the weight of being not only our lover, but also our best friend, spiritual companion, confidant and, in some cases, even our personal therapist. “We ask our partner to give us what an entire village previously gave us,” he says, pointing out how this phenomenon not only overloads the love bond, but also generates frustration and disappointment when expectations are not met.

“A love that is everything”

The romantic ideal, reinforced by literature, cinema and social networks, invites us to look for in our partner that person who completes us, who makes us feel complete and fulfilled. However, this idea can be deeply problematic. Perel argues that this narrative of completeness is not only unrealizable, but also stifles the relationship by imposing pressure on it that no human being could withstand. “Modern couples are dealing with a level of expectations unprecedented in the history of human relationships,” he notes in one of his talks, reminding us that expecting everything from one person is not only unrealistic, but also counterproductive to the bond..

When the couple becomes a “whole”, disagreements inevitably arise. The other person, no matter how much they love us, has limits: they cannot meet all our needs or fill all the voids we carry inside. In this sense, the frustrations that emerge do not speak so much about the other as about our own projections and unsatisfied demands. What part of that burden really corresponds to the partner and what part belongs to our personal history and our previous emotional shortcomings?

The cost of community disconnection

The transfer of so many expectations towards the couple does not occur in a vacuum. It is, in large part, a consequence of the individualization of contemporary society. With the weakening of communities and the accelerated pace of modern life, we have reduced our support network to a smaller and smaller circle. This not only affects relationships, but also our ability to sustain meaningful friendships or maintain close family ties.

Perel describes this phenomenon as a “disconnection from the social fabric” that leaves couples carrying a disproportionate burden. “We cannot be each other’s everything without losing ourselves,” he says, and this phrase contains a great truth: the imposition of such a broad and unlimited role on the couple can erode both the individuality of each member and the relationship itself.

An alternative: diversify our sources of support

Given this panorama, the proposal is not to renounce the love of a couple, but to rethink our expectations. Loving someone does not mean asking them to meet all our needs, but rather accepting their humanity and their limits. As Perel says, “the key is to maintain a diverse network of relationships that allows us to nourish ourselves from multiple sources.” Friends, family, colleagues and even personal activities can help us build more balanced and sustainable emotional support.

Diversifying our sources of support not only alleviates the burden we place on our partners, but also enriches our lives. It allows us to connect with other perspectives, develop new skills and feel accompanied from different places. This does not mean detracting from the value of the love relationship, but rather freeing it from a weight that does not belong to it and allowing it to flourish in a freer and more authentic terrain.

How does this impact our way of loving?

Rethinking our expectations towards our partner invites us to a deeper reflection on love. Instead of looking for a source of completeness in others, we can see them as a traveling companion, someone with whom we share a stretch of our existence, but without the demand that they be everything to us. This perspective allows us to love from a less demanding and more generous place, in which the bond is built from mutual acceptance and not from idealization.

Additionally, by reducing pressure on the partner, space is created for each individual to explore and cultivate their own autonomy. As Perel describes it, “intimacy is not losing yourself in the other, but finding yourself in the presence of the other.” This balance between connection and autonomy is essential to building healthier and more sustainable relationships.

A final thought

Ultimately, the couple cannot be the only place where we deposit our emotional needs. Although romantic love is an important pillar in the lives of many people, it cannot replace the richness and complexity of a diverse network of human ties. By freeing our relationships from this overload of expectations, we not only give them a break, but we also allow ourselves to live a more authentic, human and possible love.

Perhaps the key question is this: Are we willing to rethink our ideas about love to build more real and less ideal bonds? In that answer may lie the key to transforming our relationships and, ultimately, our way of living and connecting with others.