Most couples consider fidelity as one of the foundations on which a loving relationship is built. Therefore, it is not surprising that One of the main reasons why couples go to psychological therapy is to overcome infidelity
The opinion of psychologists: questions and answers about infidelity
Today we have the collaboration of Rosario Linares and Irene Gómez, both psychologists from El Prado Psychologists, one of the most important Psychology centers in Madrid, to help us understand why infidelities occur, what consequence this act has on the relationship. couple and its members, and what psychological treatment consists of in these cases. We will explore this topic from questions and answers about infidelity
1. For what reasons are people unfaithful?
Behind infidelity it always usually denotes that there is a weak point in the relationship, either due to dissatisfaction with the partner (conflicts, lack of communication, not feeling loved, lack of passion, fear of commitment, etc.), although there are also cases where that the problem is not with the couple themselves, but with the person who is unfaithful.
There are people who are compulsively unfaithful, whoever they are with, due to a personal problem, whether it is a lack of self-esteem (they may seek to reaffirm themselves through conquest) or they may be sex addicts or people who present paraphilias (strange sexual behaviors) that they try to satisfy outside of the couple. There are also people with narcissistic personalities for whom the concept of betrayal does not exist, since they do not feel empathy for their partner or people who, due to their emotional immaturity, do not want to give up anything, and put their own pleasure before commitment to their partner.
Among unfaithful people there are two types, those who feel guilty, and those who do not, the degree of awareness of why they have been unfaithful varies from one person to another, but what happens to those who feel guilty is that they Despite knowing the reason why they have been unfaithful, they wonder why, since they do not understand how they could have put their relationship in danger.
There is a part of them that has wanted to be unfaithful and another that has not, the part that does not want to be unfaithful is the one that asks itself, why did I do it? In the second case they justify themselves and they are clear about their reasons, and it does not cause them guilt, they only worry that their partner does not discover them. In the latter case, guilt may appear when they are discovered, when they become aware of the consequences of their actions and the damage they have caused to the other person.
3. How does a relationship change after learning of infidelity?
After knowing about infidelity there is a before and after. At first there is an emotional tsunami, after this the relationship can end in a breakup or the person can decide to continue with the other person, but if the relationship continues without forgiving the other, it is most likely that sooner or later the relationship will end. deteriorates so much that it ends up breaking. Knowing about infidelity It mainly affects the confidence you have from then on in the other person, and in the image one has of them, and many times the person who has discovered the infidelity, even if they decide to continue, distances themselves emotionally from the other person. Jealousy and control over the couple can also be established from this moment on.
94% of couples therapists believe that couples can overcome infidelity according to a survey carried out in the United Kingdom. Many couples can overcome infidelity, although not all, it depends on the attitude taken after learning of the infidelity. If after going through a first phase of anger we cling to the pain and what we do is use infidelity as a throwing weapon and resentment towards the other person is established the relationship deteriorates and it is easy to end in a breakup
There are many couples who overcome infidelity, although many times the infidelity does not transcend outside the couple and we do not know this fact, but there are more couples than we think. Although most people think that they would not forgive infidelity, when it happens they change their mind, since they value the positive aspects of the relationship and the love they have for the other person or the children they have in common, for example, weighs more.
5. What do couples who, after discovering infidelity, decide to go to a therapist to overcome it have in common?
The majority of couples who come for infidelity They come to consultation with a very deteriorated emotional state In many cases, one or both partners have doubts about whether a possible separation would be best and see therapy as a last resort or as a decision-making process about whether to continue the relationship or not.
6. What does the process consist of to regain trust in the other?
In order to restore trust, you first need to sincerely ask for forgiveness. The process of asking for forgiveness involves recognizing that what you did caused harm or offended the other, truly feeling the pain of the other, analyzing your own behavior, defining an action plan so that it does not happen again, commit to rebuilding the couple, explicitly asking for forgiveness from the other and making restitution for the damage caused In therapy, it is important to have a deep understanding of the history of the couple’s relationship in order to analyze all the factors that influenced the infidelity to occur. It is essential that the couple reach agreements on changes in order to prevent possible risk situations for the couple.
7. What dynamics are worked on in the different sessions?
In couples therapy we work a lot on empathy. One of the techniques, for example, would be role reversal where both members make the effort to put themselves in the other’s shoes. In all couples therapy, communication, positive exchanges and negotiations are very important aspects.
In the particular case of infidelity, when both members of the couple have suffered disappointments, it is useful to make a list of grievances in which each member of the couple makes a list of the situations in which they have felt wronged by the other. Next to each grievance, You write what specific act of reparation by your partner would serve to turn the page during the following session the two lists are discussed and how to carry out the grievances is planned.
8. What issues does each person have to work on/reinforce, both the one who has been unfaithful and the one who has been deceived?
It is important that both members commit to doing their part to overcome the situation. It is important for the person who has been deceived to let the other person be able to repair the damage and initiate changes. The person who has deceived must commit. in following the process to regain the trust of the other mentioned above.
9. Is going through this process as a couple equally complex for both of you?
It is usually hard for both, for the person who has been deceived. It is difficult to get away from reproach and accusation and trust again while it may be difficult for the person who has cheated to repair the relationship and cope with the guilt.
10. Can you really forgive and “forget” infidelity?
Forgetting is never possible, forgiving the damage and repairing it is possible, but it is a process that requires time, effort and the commitment of both members of the couple.
