The Difficult Challenge Of Ghosting: Living With Doubt
One of the biggest challenges for victims of ghosting is interpreting the meaning of cutting off all contact, without any clue as to what to expect.
Ghosting (“disappear like a ghost”) is an Anglo-Saxon term, popularized in recent years, that colloquially describes the practice of breaking up a relationship. using technology as a means to cut off all types of contact suddenly, without prior notice and without explanation
The person who ghosts abruptly disappears and does not answer a single call or message again, blocking all communication channels (Whatsapp, Instagram, Tinder, etc.) or ignoring any attempt to approach him (he leaves you “in sight”; he connects, but does not respond, etc.) and, assuming that it is the other party who in this way must acknowledge the end of the relationship.
Although disappearing without a word is not an invention of modern times, the anonymity and physical distance that technology offers are a huge facilitator for those people who prefer to get rid of the discomfort that an explicit or face-to-face closure produces. Ghosting is a way to break up a relationship without having to clearly break it off
As with any breakup, the person who is left will have to go through a grieving process. Grief is an instinctive tool that human beings have to face the consequences of a significant loss (the death of a loved one, a dismissal or a breakup). Nevertheless, Being a victim of ghosting has a whole series of implications that aggravate the impact of the breakup and delay the proper processing of grief over time
This is fundamentally due to the fact that, since there is no explicit closure, the person who ghosts transfers to the victim the task of interpreting the meaning of this sudden cessation of contact. For many this signal is as clear as any other form of rejection, however, The ambiguity inherent in ghosting prevents the victim from knowing with certainty what they are facing
At first, given that the interruption of communication is usually sudden and unexpected, the victim of ghosting, confused, looks for answers that justify the other’s action: “he must have blocked me accidentally”, “he must have lost his cell phone”, “he must have an emergency occurred”, etc.
Later, the lack of certainty transfers doubts to the relationship itself and to oneself: “Have I done something wrong?”, “Are you going to stop talking to me until it goes away or is this final?”, “Are we still together?” or not anymore?”, “Can I do something to reverse the situation?”, “Could it be that he never liked me?”, etc. These are questions that are not resolved and that leave the victim of ghosting without explanations helpless and with the feeling of not being able to do anything about it (lack of control) and not knowing which way to go.
What can be done in the absence of information?
These are the main measures to consider.
1. Understand that ignoring is also a way of acting
Ghosting is an act in itself Disappearing and ignoring someone means deciding to do so. Ghosting is an avoidant and very belligerent way of behaving when you want to leave a relationship.
Not knowing the reasons that lead someone to act in this way does not mean that objective facts cannot be observed that allow the victim to understand that whoever was their partner (or friend) has chosen, within all the options. that I had, do it this way. That’s when it’s convenient ask yourself if you want to have someone at your side who faces difficulties in that way
2. Ask yourself: Who is better off doing things this way?
There are reasons to ghost. Sometimes they are based on a worrying lack of empathy. Others are due to a question of cowardice, comfort or lack of social skills. Be that as it may, whoever does ghosting has preferred to opt for the route that was easiest for him
3. Release guilt
No one can stop being ghosted Choosing to do so is the other’s task. Our Western society has educated people in a kind of meritocratic thinking in which they believe that effort and merit guarantee reward. This is nothing more than a mirage, since in reality there is no predictable order. A person can dedicate themselves to their relationship and gladly strive to be a good life partner, but this does not have to ensure that the other party behaves the same.
Dedication and effort can increase the chances of some reciprocity occurring, but under no circumstances are they guarantees of a good result. You can be a good partner and still receive ghosting. Or, on the contrary, you can be a bad partner and never receive ghosting. The decision to break up in this way, within the entire spectrum of possibilities, is the other’s and it is important to understand it so as not to fall into irrational justifications or self-blame.
Human beings are, by nature, much more comfortable in explanation (certainty) than in doubt (uncertainty). Understanding why what happens helps you anticipate the eventuality and better prepare for the future. Many victims of ghosting believe that if they found out the real reasons why they were subjected to it, they could reverse the situation or prevent it in the future.
The problem is that it is not always possible to clear up the doubt Sometimes, when there is no other option, people have to live with it, tolerate it and accept it.
Not doing so implies fighting to know what cannot be known and this will only make one feel guilty, frustrated and, even more despised by the other person, for not being able to respond to what they want despite their efforts and will prevent them from focusing. the focus on recovering and moving forward. In order not to fall into stagnation and false hope, it is essential to actively renounce an explanation and learn to live with the discomfort of not knowing One must remember what they value in life and take action in that regard.
Doubt is annoying, but the incessant search for an explanation that may not come is doomed to be paralyzing.
