We have all heard more than once “If you loved me, you would do it”, “you will hurt me a lot if you leave me”, “yes… I always do everything wrong, oh, how unfortunate I am!” and other similar phrases, said by family, friends and partners.
If when a loved one wants us to do something we don’t want to do but makes us feel guilty for not doing it, perhaps we are facing a case of emotional blackmail, something that we must stop now.
Next we are going to understand a little more what emotional manipulators do to, thus, know how to deal with emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail can be defined as the act of more or less subtle control from one person to another done in the form of psychological violence Normally, the person who perpetrates this type of emotional violence is a loved one, such as a mother, brother, girlfriend, husband or even trusted friends. The emotional blackmailer uses different actions to try to control the behavior of his victim, without allowing him to choose an option that benefits both and, if he does not listen, there will be consequences.
Threats, intimidation, playing the victim, or harshly criticizing the person you are trying to manipulate These are just some of the techniques that emotional blackmailers use to achieve their goals, always at the cost of the mental health and emotional stability of their victims. Fortunately, there are all kinds of strategies that allow us to deal with these types of situations.
How to detect an emotional blackmailer?
The emotional blackmailer uses all kinds of tricks to get what he wants from his victim. He tries and insists on making his victim, be it a partner, a friend or a relative, do what he or she wants, although this puts the victim in a commitment. It leaves him no choice and, in an exercise of deep selfishness and lack of empathy, the manipulator only focuses on getting what he wants, without seeing the psychological abuse that he is exercising.
We cannot confront an emotional blackmailer without first detecting him, and below we will see some of the behaviors and situations that occur in an episode of emotional blackmail.
1. Unfair and insatiable demands
As we mentioned, emotional blackmailers usually have demands that violate the needs, desires and rights of their victim. They don’t care how many times the victim has satisfied their selfish demands: they are not satisfied
2. Heavy and insistent
If he wants us to do him a favor, the blackmailer will not stop insisting. He remains firm in his desires, even though it makes us waste our time and health, and if we tell him that we don’t think like him or her or that we don’t want to do what he tells us, he will give us real war until we get tired and give in to his wishes. wishes.
If we don’t obey what he tells us There are several emotional responses that can be expressed, although most will be disappointment and anger She will start crying, argue, complain and do all kinds of unpleasant actions so that we are the ones who get off the donkey.
The manipulator is a specialist in twist words when you don’t want to take responsibility If we want to defend our rights and we tell him that what he is asking us does not seem fair to us, he will automatically assume the role of victim” (the victims are us!) and will try to make us remember all the bad things we have done to him. What he criticizes us may be true, but it is certainly not an argument for us to violate our own rights to satisfy him.
4. Threat with consequences
Although They are not always direct threats, every emotional blackmailer warns that negative consequences will occur if we do not obey him. They can exaggerate the consequences of an exaggerated decision, threatening all the pain and suffering that you will feel or that we ourselves will also experience. He may even threaten not to speak to us because of a real banality.
5. They underestimate the problems of others
The manipulator is not interested in his victim’s problems, no matter how serious they may be. As it is considered the center of the world, its problems are ahead of ours. If we try to share with her any bad experience we are going through, she will ignore us and will try to divert attention to their supposed problems, no matter how banal and stupid they may be. Their problems are added to ours.
6. They know our weak points
The blackmailer is a skilled emotional reader, He knows his victim’s weak points and puts his finger on the sore spot He is not empathetic but he certainly knows how to use our emotions very well, using them for his own benefit and trying to manipulate us.
He can tell us things like that we are his saviors and that, if we do not listen to him, he will be condemning him to suffer a lot. He can also do the opposite, telling us that we are useless and bad people and that he already expected us not to help him. Any weak point is good for him to manipulate us.
7. Arrogant and rigid
They always want to be right and get very upset when they are advised or contradicted: they take it as a personal attack. In their mental world they are always the ones who are right and The slightest thing that someone contradicts them is that they interpret it as insulting their intelligence
As a counterattack, they make an effort to cancel the other’s opinion or they can even make comments insinuating that we are the wrong ones, for example “yes, I do everything wrong, I am not capable of doing anything, but you are the perfect one.” ” even though we have only criticized him in a respectful and polite way.
8. They change their mood easily
emotional manipulators change mood extremely quickly, since they use this expression of emotions according to the context, according to their interests. In one moment they can appear happy and satisfied and, in absolutely no time, they start crying, getting angry or yelling. If things don’t go their way, they make sure to be as disruptive as possible so that they can gain control of the situation.
If we resist the blackmailer’s demands It is very likely that he will do everything possible to make us feel guilty He will tell us that we never help him, that we are bad people, that because of something he asks of us we say no, and other falsehoods. They are all lies because it is not the first time that he asks us for something and, as manipulated people that we are, we have fallen into his trap.
How to protect ourselves from this type of manipulation?
When we enter a circle of emotional blackmail, it will be difficult for us to get out of it, but we must not give up because we can. Of course, we are going to need to keep things clear and make an effort to fall into the selfish and absurd demands of our manipulator. Only having a cool head and well focused In our goal of prioritizing our rights ahead of the whims of someone who claims to be a loved one, we will be able to free ourselves from their tyrannical insistence.
Before learning how to protect ourselves from emotional blackmail, we must be clear that the person who exercises it usually does so because they are afraid of losing something that, ironically, is spoiling the relationship. Emotional manipulation usually hides fear of abandonment, an expression of personal insecurity and little self-confidence. Taking this into account, we should not soften: no matter how bad it has been, this does not justify the damage it is doing to us.
We must avoid blaming ourselves, since it is the manipulator’s main weapon. The emotional blackmailer makes us feel guilty to exploit our weaknesses and get what he wants. It is in a certain way understandable that we feel guilty for not satisfying his desires, but before thinking about it further we must reflect: if we satisfy his demands, do we violate our rights? Is what he asks unjustified? If the answer to this is yes then we have no reason to feel bad for not paying attention to him.
Another way to cope is to focus attention on the manipulator It may seem counterproductive and, in fact, it gives the impression that we are falling into their blackmail, but it is the ideal weapon to turn the situation against them. By listening to what they ask of us and, little by little, shifting the focus of attention towards them, we can make them reflect on how fair their demands are. If he understands that he is going too far, he will probably reconsider and leave us alone.
We can use time to our advantage when the emotional blackmailer makes unreasonable requests of us. It is common for them to ask us for an immediate commitment because he knows that, if we reflect with a cool mind and with time, we will not give in to his request. That’s why a good strategy is to confuse him by saying that we’ll think about it. Let’s take our time to weigh the pros and cons and, if we can, trust that he will forget about his absurd request.
It is essential to learn is to be assertive and acquire the healthy ability to clearly say “No”. One of our fundamental rights is to put ourselves before others, as long as that does not mean harming them. If you ask us for something and we don’t want to do it, saying politely, kindly but clearly “No” is the best way. Naturally, at first he will do to us everything that an emotional blackmailer does in this situation, but if we repeat it on other occasions there will be a time when he will get tired and we will stop being his victim.
Finally, if he is one of those who threatens us with “don’t do it yourself, face the consequences” we are going to confuse him by telling him that we expect them. We must show him that we are not afraid of what may happen and that, if something has to happen, as long as it is not terribly serious, let it happen and that’s it.
Also, If he insists on the supposed negative consequences of not obeying him, just ask him what those consequences are On many occasions, not even they themselves know it and, when we put them against a rock and a hard place, they see that they have lost their power.
Summary
Emotional blackmail, no matter how slight, is psychological abuse We should not do it nor should we tolerate it being done to us. If our partner, friends or family ask us for things that, if we do not want to do them, make us feel guilty, threaten us with supposedly terrible consequences or highlight the bad things we have done before, they are harming us. We are victims of psychological abuse that we must put an end to.
It is through the different strategies that we have discussed that we will be able to break the vicious circle of emotional blackmail. With determination, having things clear and knowing how to say “no” we can make the person who has so insistently told us about her problems and ignored ours realize how abusive she has been. Others, unfortunately, will never realize it, either because they have a mental disorder that prevents them from doing so or because they are really bad people. In that case, the best thing would be to break the relationship and save yourself from their toxic influence.
