Knowing the patterns we impose in our relationships helps us take responsibility for our shortcomings and allows us to get to know ourselves and grow in the relationship.
Life is relationship. We need to relate to other people to be able to live and yet how difficult it is, sometimes, for these relationships to occur in a harmonious way and for us not to fall into conflict.
Relationships are especially complicated, since in them we deposit a series of expectations that will be the ones that mark future disappointments that are often the origin of couple conflict and many separations.
These expectations are what are called: relationship schemesthat is, a series of ideas, beliefs or stories that we have built about ourselves and our relationships, about what our partner “should” give us so that we feel loved and protected. We have programmed these ideas or beliefs, often distorted, about relationships since childhood based on our lived experiences, education received, culture,…
- For example: A child who grows up in an unstable and unsafe environment may develop an abandonment/instability schema (belief that others are not stable and reliable and that he or she will end up being abandoned).
These schemas are firmly rooted in us and are the filter under which we interpret reality
- Thus, a person with an abandonment/instability schema will more easily interpret the slightest sign of disagreement on the part of their partner as rejection or abandonment.
So, although these schemes were forged in childhood, They continue to be activated throughout our lives in our adult relationships and once activated they entail strong emotional pain (shame, sadness, frustration, rage, disappointment, fear, anger,…).
As a consequence, and in order to avoid this pain, the person performs coping behaviors that truly maintain the conflict and also reinforce the scheme.
- For example: Someone with an abandonment schema may behave by being very dependent, acting jealously and possessively, blaming or accusing, which can increase the possibility that others will avoid or abandon them.
Through the Transpersonal Couple Therapy we start with identify what the schemes are of each member of the couple and what are the behaviors that each one performs to avoid feeling the pain that their scheme produces? (attack, blame, demand, avoid, punish,…). Likewise, I help you relate these points to childhood experiences where emotional needs were not met.
This allows us a deep understanding of the reasons for the needs and behaviors of each one, which favors greater mutual empathy between the members of the couple and, in turn, each one taking responsibility for their own pain.
The next phase of treatment will consist of learn the necessary strategies and tools to manage the emotions derived from the schemas and new, healthier forms of interaction that allow better communication and a more mature relationship and in which you can GROW as a couple
Learn more about relationship schemas in my upcoming articles
